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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Cheated on DH

59 replies

Lostinthenoiseofitall · 03/08/2020 19:16

Hi all. Not really sure what I’m after here but I feel like I need to talk to someone about this.

So DH and I have been married for 8 years, together 10, and last night I came within a hairs breadth of having an affair. So background. Six years ago, me and OM started working for the same company, but in different offices so we didn’t see each other daily. There was an instant attraction and we both knew it (as did most of our co-workers) even though nothing was ever said. We’ve since both left the company but have kept in touch as we have a lot in common and a lot of common friends - friends that are mine and not really my husbands. I have also become quite close to a girl who has since become his step sister (we live in the country - it’s a very small world!). Over the years there have been quite a few drunken occasions where we have told each other how we feel, but other than heavy flirting, nothing physical has ever happened between us, although it came close a few times. Basically we both feel as though we met at the wrong time as I was already married (married young at 22 and didn’t really know what I wanted out of life back then), and had I not been married already then we would probably be married to each other by now.

Anyway, a couple of days ago we started some seriously heavy flirting over text message completely out of the blue, which lasted all day and ended with a very naughty late night snap chat session. Then DH went away for the weekend and OM came over last night. We did kiss, a lot, and both really wanted it to go further but I was wracked with guilt which he could see and so he left saying that he didn’t want me to wake up feeling awful as he couldn’t do that to me. I’ve since been feeling horrendous all day, but not because I did cheat (let’s face it I’ve been having an emotional affair for six years) but because I can’t stop thinking about OM. We have talked a lot today and decided we’ve done the right thing, but I don’t think either of us are convinced it’s over.

My marriage isn’t really unhappy. DH is a lovely man, and a great father to our DD, but I just don’t see him that way anymore. We never have sex as I just never want it with him, and I know he gets very frustrated with that. I feel like a terrible wife and mother right now but I’m so confused and have no idea what to do about any of it. To top it all off, DH and I (prior to this) were trying for another baby through IVF, 3 unsuccessful rounds so far, but now I feel like it would be ridiculous to bring another child into this mess. But how do I tell DH that?

OP posts:
gamerchick · 03/08/2020 23:11

You're being selfish and unfair to your husband. Let him go and find someone who does want him and isn't hankering after another man.

You know it's time.

Opentooffers · 03/08/2020 23:28

I'm interested to know how old your DD is, you were married 6 years ago when you met, but we're you a mother yet? It's odd that you've continued to progress your current relationship, whilst nurturing another one. Yes you married too young, but you could of got out sooner, get out now, your wasting yourself and your DH's life, can't believe you've done 3 cycles of IVF through this, that's very duplicitous of you.

Dery · 03/08/2020 23:58

@Lostinthenoiseofitall

As you have identified, you got married too young. Some people settle down very young and remain devoted to their partners throughout their lives but that is quite rare.

Furthermore, you have been interested in someone else for nearly the whole time you've been married to your DH. Your DH has never really had a chance because you've had the thrill of the attraction with the OM bubbling away very actively in the background all along. You should not have had drunken discussions with the OM about how you felt about each other; knowing the danger, you should never have got drunk with him; and you should certainly not have invited him to the family home.

You haven't been truly committed to your marriage since you were about 24. You're only 30 now. You could easily live another 50-60 years. Surely you're not planning to stay with your DH all that time while hankering after other men?

I should add - I think it's quite normal to be physically attracted to other men after marriage (after all, marriage vows would hardly be necessary if we all simply ceased to notice other people) - I've had some quite intense crushes but I would never have acted on them and I have never wanted to be with someone else instead of my DH.

It seems to have been a mistake for you to get married (except of course for your DD) and so it would probably be a mistake to remain married. Although your DH will probably be horribly hurt if you end your marriage, that will be temporary. Your DH deserves the chance to be with someone who loves him and wants to be fully committed to him and it looks like that person is not you. And actually you also deserve the chance to be with a man who you are excited to share your life with. Btw: that might not be OM - he may feel quite differently if you become available. But neither does it appear to be your husband.

There is no easy way to tell your H all this. He will likely be incredibly hurt that you want to end the marriage and you will need to expect that. But ultimately he will get over it and he will be better off because it will give him the chance to find someone else, and of course you will also have that chance.

JingsMahBucket · 04/08/2020 04:21

@BluebellForest836

Is the OM single ?

Split with your husband but dont bring the OM into it. Make it about something else and then move on and if you and the OM gets together then great... if not then at least your single

@Lostinthenoiseofitall this right here. Definitely leave your husband but I wouldn’t mention the other man at all. No matter the case it seems like you and your husband aren’t a good fit and should divorce anyway. Save your IVF money for the divorce / running away fund.
TossACoinToYerWitcher · 04/08/2020 04:41

@Dery but ultimately he will get over it

Have you ever been a victim of infidelity in a long term relationship with kids involved?

You never get over it - especially if, as with this guy, he’s apparently done nothing wrong. You learn to cope. You learn to adjust. It, eventually, doesn’t continually haunt your thoughts. You give up any hope of untangling why it happened, what you did wrong and how someone you trusted so utterly, for so long, could abuse that. But you don’t get over it. It changes you.

That said, I agree the OP should still leave him. It’s the least toxic option. Hopefully the OP will have the guts to come clean and leave as opposed to gaslighting the guy over the lack of sex and intimacy until he feels he’s going mad and has no option but to terminate the marriage himself. Don’t add spinelessness to your list of things to feel guilty about OP.

TossACoinToYerWitcher · 04/08/2020 04:47

@JingsMahBucket No, she should absolutely mention the OM. It’ll all come out anyway - let’s face it, it’s a small community and people will have picked up on the flirting already. As soon as they start dating - let’s face it, it ain’t going to be long after he’s moved out cos she’s obsessed with him - he’ll put two-and-two together. Show him some respect. Gaslighting him will only make things worse.

Crumpets111 · 04/08/2020 04:49

Leave the marriage OP. If you were happy to begin with you would not be looking for attention from someone else.

AnyFucker · 04/08/2020 05:19

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Afwan · 04/08/2020 05:25

There's always a reason people look elsewhere, can you pinpoint what that might be OP?

If you're serious about it being over with OM then you have to cut all contact as PPs have said, go absolutely zero contact with him and be prepared for a showdown with your DH - how will he feel when this comes to light?

MizMoonshine · 04/08/2020 06:20

I'm glad you can admit you've been in an emotional affair for years. You can acknowledge the extent of your cheating.

Now you need to acknowledge it to your husband. You're wasting his life. He may be feeling this already. He may be aware that your relationship isn't the end game for either of you. But you both need to have that conversation.

You know yourself that you haven't finished what you've started. You're in deep and you're going to go all the way eventually. Do it with some dignity. Leave your husband. Make it official.

Let your husband choose how he lives his life.

Do the right thing.

Dontletitbeyou · 04/08/2020 06:41

You sound so pleased with yourself . Look at what you have been getting away with for the last 6 years , look how much this OM wants you .
You sound completely self absorbed and lacking in any moral standards . All you care about is me me me .
I really pity your husband . Tell him what’s been going on , let him make the decision on weather to go or stay , knowing all the facts about your downright nasty and deceitful behaviour .
As for all that carrying on while your husband was away . Where was your DD, please don’t say she was in the house .

Confusedcorona · 04/08/2020 06:46

You have had some good advice here.

I think from the sounds of your post, that your marriage is able to be saved- if this is what you want.

It sounds like you do like your husband, he's a good man but perhaps not exciting.

The only way to stay with your husband would be to totally cut the OM out of your life.

I think inviting him into your house was probably a step too far and shows you don't really see yourself staying with your husband though.

Whatever your decision, you need to make sure it's what you want, otherwise you will be back in this situation again, no doubt in a couple of years time.

donnatellme · 04/08/2020 06:56

What an extremely cruel way to treat your DH, and to top it off you are trying for another baby! Leave your marriage. How you tell your DH that you've been in an emotional affair for so long is going to be extremely difficult and will no doubt be devastating for him.

But honestly, you are disgraceful. Sexting and inviting this guy over to your home?

donnatellme · 04/08/2020 06:58

I think from the sounds of your post, that your marriage is able to be saved- if this is what you want.

What? No, the choice is no longer the OP's. I'm not sure she has a right to decide the fate of her marriage anymore.

Hyperfish101 · 04/08/2020 07:01

Just because you haven’t had sex yet dies t mean anything, you have flirted, kissed and been emotionally entangled with this man so you’ve essentially been having an affair with him already.

You have to decide what next but don’t pretend you’re not already in an affair.

BluebellForest836 · 04/08/2020 07:20

What? No, the choice is no longer the OP's. I'm not sure she has a right to decide the fate of her marriage anymore

Of course she does. Her DH doesn’t know. If she wants to keep it like that she can.

donnatellme · 04/08/2020 07:51

Of course she does. Her DH doesn’t know. If she wants to keep it like that she can.

You're right, she could choose to keep a 6 year betrayal secret and "work" on her marriage. But it's a shitty thing to do and I still stand by the statement that she no longer has the right to decide how he lives his life.

But as you say, yep, she could do it, and she probably will - she seems to have limited guilt, shame or compassion towards her DH.

Treacletoots · 04/08/2020 08:04

I'm going to go out on a limb here and say OPs DH is likely going to have an affair as he's fed up of being treated like shit, and suddenly OP will be very hurt that her DH has cheated on her.

Treat others how you would want to be treated. Serious decisions need to be made OP before your behaviour affects your DC.

Don't be under any illusion though that OM will stick around if you do the decent thing and end the marriage.

Dery · 04/08/2020 08:58

@TossACoinToYerWitcher - You’re right – I didn’t express it well. However, my mum was a victim of long-term infidelity in her relationship with my father and she went on to form a very happy relationship with another man in later life. So I suppose that is what I mean by getting over it.

Catshitcrazy · 04/08/2020 14:15

How you can go through IVF with someone when you feel that way about them is beyond me! IVF is such a emotionally draining battle and you have to be on the same team. I think your behaviour is disgusting to allow your husband to go through all the financial and emotional turmoil of IVF (aware you are going through it too) and be cheating on him and not even wanting a baby with him. Take a good hard look at yourself

Wherearemymarbles · 04/08/2020 17:13

No sign of the OP then.....

year5teacher · 04/08/2020 17:21

I don’t want to be horrible, but this behaviour is so weak. Just leave your husband, he deserves more and there’s no point dragging it out. You know this so why are you posting?
“I was 22 when I got married, blah blah” who cares? You, by your own admission, spent six years disrespecting your husband by having an emotional affair and now it’s turned physical.
I hope you know that if you tell him you will absolutely destroy his trust and hurt him beyond belief. Because you were too weak to end it six years ago, or at any point before now. I hope it was worth it!
I have sympathy for people who have affairs, occasionally. Your case is not one of them. You’ve been incredibly cruel.

year5teacher · 04/08/2020 17:22

Wow. I missed that you had fucking IVF with him.

I can’t say what I think of you because my comment will get deleted Grin

HolidayHoliday2 · 04/08/2020 17:23

Gosh I have to admit as with other PPs, the bit about you inviting OM into your husband's home and the IVF made me recoil.

I'm just trying to imagine if my husband brought another woman into my house. My space, my home. That would feel utterly horrid. It would honestly ruin my home for me.

And the IVF... Well that's just terrible OP it really is. The emotional and financial impact on your husband and you don't even really want to be with him. Sounds to me like you just wanted another child so thought you'd stick around until you got it.

Do the only decent thing you've done in 6 years and tell your husband so he can make his own decisions. You have no right to decide what you want from this marriage now.

TheAirbender · 04/08/2020 17:46

Ugh. Leave your husband and give him dignity. This is his lifetime you are allowing him to waste on someone who neither loves nor respects him.