Inspired by recent threads. Please leave an abusive relationship. I have read so many heart-breaking stories on here. I just wanted to say I am living proof - that you can leave and that every day after will be like a new life, some good, some bad, some ok but none as bad as living with abuse.
I have done it twice.
Firstly -it is not your fault. People -victim blame -this is not their "fault" but their blinkers. What did you do -to make him behave like that? Why does he do that? etc. ignore and bounce these off you -gather true friends around you.
Secondly -there is no "right" time to leave. Sometimes, it just happens. My first marriage I "left" more than once, the last time I left I knew he would kill me if I stayed. He was a charming man and could charm the birds out of the trees. So yes, I went back 4 times. I was an intelligent career woman at the top of my game and he reduced me to a quivering wreck. I left him in a different country and flew back to the UK. I had no game plan -just to get out. But I did and people helped and stepped up. By the time my plane landed I had a van -and a plan. House was emptied, solicitor appointment made etc. I had no money in savings -he controlled the lot. But I did have an income and I did take the paperwork etc I needed.
These men (and I do get they are not all men) are abusive and highly trained like SAS snipers picking off your self esteem and friends. My abuse was so subtle I didn't see it. One evening, "I like that lipstick". Innocent enough? Yes. Next evening "You aren't wearing that lipstick" and sad look. But no biggie -he's only pointing out a fact. Third evening "Oh, is it because I said I liked the lipstick that you aren't wearing it" sad little boy look." I'm sorry if I made a comment complimenting you" -and so it went on. Total head fuck.
Second time I was more clued up. Still very very few warning signs until I was pregnant and trapped. Wiser this time. Solicitored up quickly. Did not waver.
Beat myself up -but these men are clever.
My tips for what is is worth:
Get your team around you, friends, family, local church
Get paperwork - all of it.
Get memories -jewellery, baby pictures.
Change passwords on everything -yes, even Netflix etc.
Detach -change numbers, emails etc
Possession is the majority of law -if leaving -take everything that is yours (none of what is 100% his) and take most of what is joint -particularly if you own the house jointly -washing machine etc especially if you have kids. This reduces cost down the road of buying new stuff. If leaving you also need a sofa, dishwasher, microwave etc so don't feel sorry for him.
Doesn't matter if you can chuck all your stuff in someone's garage -and you are safe and can stay with anyone and be safe -it is a BETTER life than one in fear.
Change your number immediately and buy a spare phone if possible to contact him with -and don't get reeled back in -just don't. Write a list of everything he has done and re-read it. Do not minimise it -ex number 2 never "hit" me -he always needed to get past me or something.
If you know someone in an abusive relationship -empower them. Give them a spare key. Tell them -anytime day or night I'm here. I did it 12 months ago for a friend. I got that 3am phone call. She and her two children had a key they had an out. These men walk in all sorts of jobs- her husband was a doctor.
This is not to stop anyone contacting women's aid. But know -you can leave. For 6 months after I left, I didn't sleep properly I didn't feel safe but I was still happier.
Lastly I will empower my children. Luckily I had supportive parents who didn't ask me to "try again" or that "it was you being difficult". My children -if I can afford it -if they needed it I would pay the rent on a new place etc -and they will always have a place here with or without children. I know I'm lucky but my children will always have a "secret" fund if needed to get away -because I will have that fund in their name and they will be given access to it -if and when needed.
If you are a friend -don't give up on them. Please don't they need you.