Need a spot of group therapy - childhood survivor of DV

[waterproofed]

I grew up with an abusive, alcoholic F. Ran away from home when I was 15, DM stayed married until he threatened to kill her. She got out safely a few years ago. This is all ancient history - I’m now in my mid 30s, had years of therapy and I’m now very happy and very happily married. F is still alive but we are NC.

I read an article today about a woman who killed her abusive husband. It brought back memories of how I wanted to kill my F because he was making me suffer so much. I must have been a young teenager when I took a great deal of comfort in fantasising about poisoning him. At the same time I knew I couldn’t go through with it because I understood my mum loved him at the time and also that it would ruin my life. I felt so trapped - I really wanted him gone.

It took a couple of decades for me to properly understand how twisted abuse can make you. As a maltreated child, my overwhelming emotion toward my F was a death wish for him. I should have loved him but I hated him instead.

I know nobody has answers and I’m not really looking for any - I just wanted a hand hold from someone who understands.

I understand.

Self Love.

Embracing the shadows in us,
Shining the light of love on all the wounded parts of ourselves.
That is the Alchemy of Self love!
To accept all the hurts. Yes, to accept everything bad that has happened.
To pick up the pieces of ourselves and glue them back together.
Healing every pain with LOVE

Thank you @noego, I really appreciate that.

That’s it, just glueing myself together again, with self love and compassion. I have whole years when I hardly think of him and sometimes that lulls me into thinking maybe the work is done. But I guess it’s never done.

Maybe it’s also the contrast between how much my kids love DH and how many of my friends have really gorgeous fathers when my own is such a sorry excuse for a human. I take the love for granted and then the realisation of how little love I actually experienced from F hits me.

Don't live in the past OP, it will recreate chemicals in the body that will poison you again.
Let the feelings come up, observe them, don't analyse them, let them go and move on.

@noego your words are exactly what I needed.

Thank you for responding and for helping me heal.

I understand. I was born in to DV and had an abusive childhood.
The stately homes threads have really helped me lately, might be worth a read for you.

I can relate to what you have said above, I have thought the same many, many times.

Thanks @Neron. I’m so sorry for what you’ve been through. I do lurk on the Stately Homes thread but sometimes something specific comes up and it’s both really helpful and really tragic to know others have felt the same when they were children trapped in an abusive situation.

It’s such a contrast to who I am now as well - now that everyone I love is safe, I wish my father no harm. He must live with everything he’s done and, though I doubt it keeps him up at night, nobody abuses their own kids from a place of happiness and contentment.

As for me, I have not fantasised about killing anyone in decades.

@waterproofed I get that. The threads have so much good advice and positivity, but posters on there know how you feel because they have suffered too.

You have a good attitude and I'm glad you are in a better place. I am too, I often have to remind myself of the good space I am in, surrounding by the wonderful people I am.
My trouble is, I haven't fully got everything out so things pop up from time to time. I'm working on it

@Neron thank you. I definitely haven’t got everything out, but the old AA serenity prayer helps with that. I accept things I can’t change and change things I can’t accept. Interestingly, the wisdom of distinguishing between the two is shifting.

I think I also accept being a DV survivor as a lifelong project but it’s been years since anything to do with my F bothered me at all. It’s often through other people’s stories that something is triggered in me and I find a way to understand myself.

Is there anything you are grappling with at the moment that you can/want to share?

@waterproofed my main issue is my manipulative mother, and that I have 'fixed' things for so long, for my mother and sisters.
Mother manipulated me again a few weeks ago and I could have got in a lot of trouble. I genuinely cannot live my life always bailing them out, so its time I stepped back and they stepped up. No one but my DH knows I am distancing from my family, and he is supportive (actually is relieved for me).
That said, it's so hard! Also been writing down a lot of memories that seem to have resurfaced which helps

I wanted to stab my abusive father. But I was too scared of him.
Now I have no contact, I never let anyone manipulate or control me and I live a happy life with my DH and kids.
He’s no longer my problem. I live today.
Should maybe add I’ve never wanted to stab anyone else.

@Neron I really think it’s so much harder to heal when the abusive parent remains part of your life. It’s very painful but for me cutting F out was honestly the best thing I ever did. I hope you will find the distance you need. Manipulation is so hard too, because you always end up blaming yourself, when in fact the responsibility always lies with the manipulator as they know exactly what they are doing.

@Wolfiefan I’m really sorry to hear that. I felt the same way about stabbing, which is why I moved to poison. I wouldn’t mind killing my father in a particularly violent way, but I always understood just how much stronger he was than me and knew stabbing would be a non-starter even as a fantasy. I was a very pragmatic fantasist .

I hope you don’t feel shame; I certainly don’t. That’s squarely on my father’s shoulders - to hurt a small child so much and to make her feel so unloved and so helpless she wanted him dead.