Hello,
I’ve been with my boyfriend for nearly three years. He’s unmarried and childless, I’m divorced with two kids (10 and 6). He lives alone. From the start he was head over heels in love. Talked about marriage and having our own kid. Wanted to meet my kids. I let him after six months.
He came over a fair amount to do family stuff but did seem to find it hard and admitted it was a difficult and new thing for him. He made the effort, cooks for us, does bbqs and is around. To begin with he also played games with us and went camping etc.
He only stayed over one or two nights a week while the kids were there intially. He found it overwhelming that my then three year old would climb into bed in the night occasionally. I respected that and weaned her off it.
I found out I was unexpectedly pregnant. He had cheated on me the previous year, and was still only with us one night a week and not keen to stay more. After a major agony I decided to have an abortion as I didn’t feel I could trust him to be around and could not do the single parent thing again with a new baby and an unreliable man.
We discussed things all the time obviously and he made it clear he loved me and was trying his hardest with the living together/Family stuff. He said he found it almost impossible to be in the family home I used to share with my ex. I decided to move, partly because of this but mostly for financial reasons. I moved close by.
He was supposed to move in last July and the idea was to build a home together for ourselves and my kids. He bailed shortly beforehand and said he needed a few months, then a few more months. He still has his flat now, a year on.
He has, since Christmas, started staying over 7 nights a week, and only has his flat to go back to as a sort of safety net. But he’s visibly unhappy. We’ve stopped having sex completely over the last few months which is unthinkable for us previously. He’s started sitting in the garden with his headphones in while I do everything with the kids, and as soon as he gets up he’s off on his bike all day until they’re nearly in bed. He never comes on trips or to hang out with my friends with kids etc. He’s basically said he loves me but it’s everything else he can’t handle living with.
I can’t work out what to do. Lockdown has
Obviously been really hard and he loves and misses his job so much. I don’t know how long to give the no sex thing. It’s driving me mad feeling so undesired. I can’t seem to fix it and yet he wants to stay together. I do too in a way. Is it unrealistic to want someone to come and be by my side and live with me even though I have kids? He seems to think it’s a huge thing I’m asking of him and it’s normal and fine to keep his flat. I would love to have a child with him and for him to experience the joy of that but he seems so resistant to anything domestic. He wants a child but he just can’t handle the day to day of family life. I worry my kids deserve more from someone in their life too.
Should I just cut the cord here? Ouch.