Particularly Cruel Dumping and Should I Get Tested

[IncandescentSilver]

My now ex ended our 2 year LDR during lockdown in a 3 minute phone call telling me he had met someone else. I texted him asking to meet up to tell me in person and he blocked me (I didn't harass him and I didn't phone him, he just blocked me, being charitable possibly because I was upset). He had been telling me throughout lockdown that he was "self isolating to stay safe" and putting me off visiting. It wasn't a total LDR as I stay on and off in his city due to work. I've also known him for 15 years as we were all part of the same university large group of friends (although he 's lost touch with all of them over the years too) and for nearly all of those years it had been flirty between us.

He still has some of my stuff, but none of it is particularly valuable or useful. I haven't made any other attempts to contact him and don't intend to (I'm not blocked on any other forms of media, he's not a big social media user).

I'm just really, really upset at the way he ended it. I had wrongly thought we were very close and were becoming more so. We never had arguments and were having a lot of good sex right up until the very last time I stayed over at his. He couldn't get enough of me. I had expected better of him - I know his family and he's really well brought up, private school, privileged background, but when he ended it on the phone he sounded quite different and a bit rough. The being blocked bit made it all worse, as it made me feel sort of humiliated and as if I was being a nuisance (I really wasn't, I just sent a couple of short texts saying I was shocked and upset and preferred to be told in person).

Now I keep worrying that he blocked me because there was an overlap and I worry that I should get tested for an STD. I have NEVER been in this situation before - I've only slept with 4 men in my entire life and only him in recent years. Any words of kindness/advice/insight would be appreciated!

Ah what a horrid way for him to end things with you. He's not been very fair and I can understand how upsetting his behaviour towards you is. I would definitely get tested for your own peace of mind. All the best

That's really horrible and distressing for you. He's being rather pathetic refusing to explain to you face to face but it reflects on him, not you.

Yes, it sounds like there was an overlap - he almost certainly tested the waters with this other woman before ending the relationship with you (though unless the relationship was very well established, they should have been using condoms) - so in your shoes I would get tested for your own peace of mind. Unfortunately, you're not the first innocent party who has found themselves having to get tested for STDs and you won't be the last.

It's unlikely anything will show up but even if it does, pretty much everything is quite readily curable nowadays (except herpes, and even HIV infection seems to be reversible now or very manageable at any rate and pretty rare so you're unlikely to find you're HIV+), and timely treatment should reduce or even entirely pre-empt any painful symptoms.

The heartache is going to take longer to go away though it will with time. For now, pamper yourself. You've had a very painful and nasty shock and deserve some gentle handling.

Thanks for your replies. I don't suppose anyone knows if its possible to get testing done on the NHS in these coronavirus times? Do you go to a specialist clinic or get our GP to carry it out?

Dery, I think you may be right. I should have paid more attention before to things that concerned me about him, but I thought because I literally knew the family and village he came from, he was a better man than he was. He flirted with me for years without asking me out, couldn't understand it, and it actually turned out that he had a long term girlfriend in a LDR, and then he also told me that he had been a very active Tinder user in the past - nothing wrong with that, but he puts himself across as a very shy, innocent, inexperienced man, and thats what appealed to me. He claims he is "bad at relationships", almost as if it was an excuse, never saw himself getting married or having children (I just assumed he would grow out of it as we got on so well), said I would be better without him, just all the usual cliches really.

If I'm lucky, he dumped me because he was planning to have unprotected sex with the new woman. If it is a woman...he liked to talk about how all people were on a scale of homosexuality, which I thought odd, while stating he wasn't gay...its like peeling an onion, I keep finding out more bad things about him and I hope that isn't one of them.

Even 6 weeks later, I just feel like I'm quaking from the shock.

The shock is like a physical blow, isn't it? It sounds as though you didn't know the man he really was - if you had, you would've left him long ago.

Look after yourself now. It's such a difficult time, I know.

What an absolute shit of a man

No idea about at the moment, but when I found my exh had screwed prostitutes I just asked gp and they did it.

Sorry this has happened to you OP - he sounds like a coward to end things like that.

Some GPs will do STI testing but generally it’s done via sexual health/GUM clinics. It’s always good to get tested after every relationship For peace of mind and best done about 6 weeks after.

Google where your closest clinic is. They are open but it might be a case of them only seeing those who have symptoms. Some offer free postal testing and there are also other organisations that do this free where you order online depending on where you live.

Oh, that’s not nice. And I know that it might not help right now but it’s best he’s gone.

I was abruptly dumped the other day, surprisingly over a STI test....so I can tell you that in some areas you can request a home test kit. They are very easy to use and the results come back quickly.

Take care of yourself, it’s a hard time to be going through this

When this happened to me many years ago, mine blocked me straight away which added to the shock and hurt. Right up until the 2 minute conversation that he didn't want to be in a relationship with me (we had had sex, been saying "I love you" blah blah). turns out his head was turned and wanted sex with the OW so dumped me before he did the deed. A few years later when he tried to return I asked why he was so cruel with dumping me then blocking me. I didn't even text or communicate with him at all. He said because he felt so very guilty at what he had done he thought if he blocked me out of his life as if I didn't exist then it would make what he was about to do feel ok..It didn't and 5 years later and after several failed relationships he finds himself alone with deep seated guilt and regret. So, get yourself an STD check just in case. Never speak or communicate with him again and grieve the end of the relationship.

I think 'better safe than sorry' in respect of the testing, but it doesn't sound as though he gave much thought ending things so there may not have been an overlap - it doesn't sound as though he made any attempt to wait for the right moment, so I would be hopeful that there was no delay.

Don't I need a blood test though? Oh gawd, I'm going to be too embarrassed to go to my GP about this, I'll google sexual health clinics.

Hopefully, given his tendency to impulsive decision making, he dumped me before he slept with this woman. In the short phone call, he hinted that he was bored due to lockdown.

I really did ignore all the red flags, because he does come across as an almost boyishly innocent perfect guy. He's very good looking, but short (5 7 or 5 8) and isn't into pubbing or clubbing, but instead stuff like going to classical music concerts and so on. We met through a mutual hobby which he has since given up in favour of another hobby which he is obsessed with, through which he said he met the other women (she came to him for tuition). That was all the information I could get from him, he couldn't wait to get me off the line. I suppose I was lucky to get a phone call explaining, instead of just being blocked and ghosted.

I've had no-one to talk to about it during lockdown but I've been trying really hard to discipline myself not to obsess about it, but I realise I need to process it and not be afraid of thinking about it. I do miss him, because he's been a part of my life for 15 years. I really did ignore a lot of red flags that I would have paid attention to had he been a stranger:

• he was always really flirty with me but wouldn't ask me out, and we went on holidays together with another couple twice, but nothing ever happened. When eventually I dated another guy, he got jealous and revealed he had a long term girlfriend who lived 175 miles away. Who on earth does that?

• he drops all his long term friends.

• he gave up his job and career by resigning and then regretted it but couldn't get back in, and lives on a pittance from teaching his new hobby. But he then inherited enough money to buy a really nice flat outright with no mortgage, so he's actually very privileged.

• we got together previously for a few months before he dumped me, telling me he "wasn't good at relationships". He then tried to tell me I should use Tinder to meet someone else, which I found pretty sick, and it became obvious that instead of being the shy, slightly awkward man we all thought he was, he was actually a bit of a serial shagger and user of women for sex. (when we got back together, he did seem different and I thought it was because he owned a nice place now and that he had been ashamed of his place before).

• he seems to be getting worse, as in using women for sex, as he gets older (he's 40 now). He's also getting more practised at just cutting people out of his life.

• he admitted that his own family, who live at the other end of the country, all probably think he's gay because he isn't engaged or married and doesn't take girlfriends home. He seems happy for them to think this.

I still miss him though! I suppose if I didn't, that would make me just like him. I've got other male interest, but I'm hugely suspicious of all men now and just want to be single. I must admit I'm struggling to process it all because it seems that someone I've known for a large part of my life is capable of the level of callousness of a psychopath.

One thing I can't help thinking about is that I left a very expensive Jysk memory foam pillow at his with a silk pillowcase on it. It stays on his bed. I can't help thinking that he must have been shagging this other woman on my pillow! I certainly wouldn't want it back now, but its just such a galling thought. I can literally imagine him boasting to her about how he has a really comfortable pillow for anyone that shares his bed and letting her think that he's really considerate and thoughtful because of it! He was kind of meticulous about me not leaving too much stuff behind at his, but he never bothered about that pillow.

OP, there's no doubt this was a cruel and dismissive way to break off a relationship with you, but what strikes me most from your posts is that you seem to have allowed yourself to be deluded by him and to have overridden your own common sense and for no particularly good reason. You say you've known him since university, but you clearly didn't know him at all well, really. Being privileged (which you seem to have some odd ideas about privilege doesn't make anyone a better person at relationships), not being tall and giving an impression of boyish innocence doesn't preclude anyone from using Tinder, being uninterested in monogamy etc.

And honestly, OP, all the signs were there. He flirted without asking you out for years, you found out he had a longterm LDR he'd never mentioned, he broke up with you before and told you to go on Tinder, he used lockdown as an excuse not to see you -- he was just not that into your relationship, and you were much more heavily invested, and made a lot of excuses for his behaviour.

Move on, and forget the pillow, and learn from this not to dismiss warning signs that the other person isn't invested.

Thats a very good question *TheHorror". I can only say that he is a very good actor and he was really nice to me when we were in a relationship. I honestly thought he had settled down because he had moved into his new place and his past behaviour could be excused because he was embarrassed by his previous place and trying to avoid a proper relationship. It was also really hard to find out anything about him - he's incredibly secretive - and in our large friendship group, all the women just assumed he was shy (and fancied him), although I think if you had asked the men, they might not have been taken in.

I also met him when he was only 25 and he wasn't as bad then, so I kind of remember him as the person he was then.

He even has his own sister fooled. She was trying to matchmake us together for years, while all the time he was seeing this woman in the secret LDR. For all I know, she probably still mentions me to him.

I still don't even know if I'm being unduly harsh on him. I suspect if I told mutual female friends what he had done, they either wouldn't believe me or think I was exaggerating, and make excuses for him.

It sounds more like a FWB situation.

Take a break from dating while you get over this fool.

How horrible!

You can send for a home kit in a lot of places, where you take blood through a pricked finger & send a urine sample. ICash I think it is. Google it.

He's a complete shit!
Don't waste time worrying about him, he's a user!

Free, depending on where you live, postal STI tests from here.

www.freetest.me/local/

He's probably blocked you to avoid any hassle - may have had some with other women in the past - but as someone else said, if you're not using condoms then it's generally a pretty good idea to get the all clear when a relationship ends. Even supposedly "nice" people are not all totally angelic all the time, and in this case it even sounds like you may have confused "nice" with "naice"!

Get tested.

Private school does not automatically mean any ability or kindness in relationships. Look at the difference between David Cameron and the serial misogynist Boris Johnson, who both went to the same school at about the same time.

STIs do not discriminate and it doesn’t matter in the slightest what anyone’s background is.

OP have you ever been tested for STIs? It is regarded as more the responsible thing to do before/after every relationship rather than something to be embarrassed about. A lot of people are living unknowingly with STIs because they don’t test.

A urine test is done to check for 2 of them and blood test for the other 2. www.nhs.uk/live-well/sexual-health/visiting-an-sti-clinic/

You can also google free STI home tests and see what is available in your area. It’s all very discreet and easy to do.

It's really worrying you think that him being from a 'nice' kind of background means anything when it comes to sexual health. As a responsible adult, it is good practice to be tested after a relationship ends. Then you know where you stand with your own body 100%. You can get an STI from an aristocrat as much as you can from anyone else. I know it's a way off but when you're going to be thinking about dating again you will need to be a bit less naive about sexual health and presume that you take full ownership of your sexual health, so get tested and don't feel embarrassed or somehow 'cheap' (that's the sense I get from your posts - that you associated testing with promiscuity, but I may be wrong) just see it as a responsible thing for an adult to do. Many areas you can order free tests delivered to your home that you then send back by post, including a blood drop one.

backseatcodgers I know it's a way off but when you're going to be thinking about dating again you will need to be a bit less naive about sexual health

I'm not "naive" about my sexual health - I slept with 2 boyfriends at uni using condoms, then my ex husband (I married quite young), who had also only had 2 previous sexual partners, both of whom he used condoms with, and then this man whom I have known for 15 years, whom I thought I was in a settled relationship with and whom I thought didn't sleep around. On the relationship ending, I have sought advice regarding being tested, which I will be following up.

I have no intention of being particularly active sexually with more than one person at a time or indeed anyone other than a settled partner at some distant point in the future.

I'm quite upset and I could really do without being called naive and so on when I actually did nothing wrong.

I appreciate that and sorry if it came across harshly.

I have no intention of being particularly active sexually with more than one person at a time or indeed anyone other than a settled partner at some distant point in the future.

I've never been sexually active with more than one person at a time, I've always been in a settled relationship too when having sex.

But I've still got tested at the end of each relationship and I think it's good for us all to start seeing that as something we should all do, rather than implying that testing is something shameful or linked to promiscuity.

Appreciate the point was perhaps clumsily made but it's so important for us all to start approaching sexual health without judgement.

Genuinely I am really sorry you're having such a shit time

OP I’m really sorry that you’re upset, however you did ask for advice on testing.

Backstreet’s advice is on point. Condoms don’t protect against every STI (syphilis can be caught from skin to skin contact). Sometimes they aren’t used consistently or correctly. Even if someone practices safe sex with every partner testing is still advised, despite their/your history of only having one partner at a time.

Just as an example, I was in a similar situation - relationship with a guy I’d known many years and who said he’d tested for STIS before I slept with him. I got tested after the relationship ended. Just as well as I had caught something. If I hadn’t tested I’d unknowingly be possibly passing it onto the next guy I slept with. This taught me a big lesson in that I am responsible for my own sexual health.

I was very naive about my sexual health, thinking that because I was in a 20-year relationship with my ex, and had only ever slept with him, I was not part of a chain of sexual partners. I was wrong: I was part of a chain that included my husband, his mistress, her husband and potentially her husband's mistress or ex or her exes, i.e. a whole load of random people I would never even meet.

However hard to try to be in a single, safe relationship with just one person, you never know.