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Original poster

DP doesn’t seem to want to push ahead with his divorce

26 replies

DrebleD · 03/08/2020 12:43

Hi all,
DP had an amicable separation from his ex after a 10+ year marriage that was mutual and we’ve been together a year.

It’s coming up to the time he can legally file for divorce but he doesn’t seem to be super eager about it. I know it’s hardly a positive event but I was expecting some kind of push on it from him rather than slowly pull away the plaster bit by bit and drag it out.
He has no kids with her and they just grew apart and realised they were different people with different priorities and their physical relationship was extremely lacking.

He’s been truthful and open about the whole separation and it’s been nearly 2 years now (they can only file for for divorce after 2 years post separation)

His ex has a new partner which DP knows about and she knows about me (they told each other and are fine with it)

DP has introduced me to all his family, all his friends and even his colleagues, says I’m the best he’s ever had that is just right for him, but I can tell he has a sisterly bond with his ex dull (he says she is not a bad person but she is just not compatible for him and as he was very young when he got married and didn’t get to know her properly as it was a very long distance relationship (different countries) before they got married.

He says he feels guilty that he’s only separated rather than divorced on my behalf etc (I said it wasn’t about me and does he want to get divorced) he said eventually but that will open additional pain on losing a life he created for 10 years. He says their split was mutual and he totally knows it’s the right thing to do but the feeling of failure and losing the life he created (their house etc.) aswell as a bit of guilt as she’s not done anything evil to him is tough.

Do you think this is a red flag where he might still have feelings for her / inner regret about the separation or just part of the journey to divorce regardless of how ‘over’ a marriage you are?

I have no idea as I’ve never been married and he knows I’ve no interest in marriage or kids (which does upset/disappoint him sometimes)

I think the idea is he would see how it goes to file for divorce and/or do it if his ex pushes for it but he won’t exactly push for it on the first day he is eligible to do it, according to what he has told me.

OP posts:

jimmyjammy001 · 03/08/2020 13:01

Can't see any point in delaying it, may as well get it out of the way and done with, unless he does not want to in which case there may still be feelings there and he hopes one day it will work out between him and his ex? Can't really see any other reason for why still want to be married. Has complications for your future together if want to buy house or get married e.t.c

Tappering · 03/08/2020 13:09

If he's not ready to divorce then he's not ready for a new long-term relationship.

I don't mean that nastily. But if he has unresolved feelings and grief about the years with his ex, then he should be dealing with that before getting into another serious relationship.

I'll say this as gently as I can, but it's not uncommon for the relationships immediately after a LTR breakdown, to be 'transitions' - where the wounded party uses that time to heal and get better, and then moves on to someone else completely.

Adsy1988 · 03/08/2020 14:53

I was in your partner’s position a couple of years ago. My DP was a bit put out that I was still married when I met her, and whilst I always knew I would get a divorce, it wasn’t top of my list of things I wanted to spend £2,000 on.

When I realised it made her uncomfortable and potentially not seeing a future with me, it gave me the kick up the backside to crack on with it and take the hit financially, as I knew my ExW wouldn’t be the first to instigate proceedings.

Good luck.

bathsh3ba · 03/08/2020 15:14

It doesn't necessarily mean he doesn't want to divorce but it could do, so I don't think it's something to put a sticking plaster on.

In my case, it took us 4 years after separating to divorce and it was me who filed, I don't think my ex would ever have thought it was worth spending that much money on. As far as he was concerned, we'd split up, we'd sorted the finances and divorce was just a rubber stamp.

However, looking back, I think I was probably unsure about making it 'final' and that's why it took so long.

Bbub · 03/08/2020 15:31

When I seperated I wasn't in a rush to divorce... It wasn't due to still having feelings.

In my eyes the only time you NEED to divorced is if you want to get married again straight away. But I know it impacts the person in your shoes. If it's important to you it should be important for him too or at least he should try and be understanding.

It doesn't sound like he holds any torch for his ex, I think you just need to talk about how it makes you feel

rvby · 03/08/2020 16:35

Yeah, it doesn't mean much in itself. Took me ages to even do the legal separation documents... I'm now divorced a few years, still with the dp I met while I was avoiding paperwork.

I just hate paperwork really, that's all it was for me. It's the one thing I procrastinate about consistently.

MiniCooperLover · 03/08/2020 16:39

He's scared if he divorces her you'll want further commitment

Sugartitties · 03/08/2020 16:39

i’m separated six years and no divorce on the horizon. i’m in a relationship the last six years so i disagree with silly statements like if they can’t get divorced, they’re not ready for a relationship.

Dollyrocket · 03/08/2020 16:40

I actually think you not wanting marriage or kids in the future and him being upset / disappointed about it is more of a problem long term than him dragging heels on his divorce. Sounds like you have more long terms problems ahead.

ComeOnBabyPopMyBubble · 03/08/2020 16:47

It's probably laziness on both their parts.

Been there ,done that with OH. No interest, no feelings just couldn't be arsed. Other things took priority, being a Catholic marriage they had to wait a few years anyways.

Funnily enough his ex broke up with her partner after 3 years because he didn't seem committed enough. Mate, you're still married!

Even once he decided it was happening it took about another year an a half to get it done because they both arsed around with documents and what not.

Sugartitties · 03/08/2020 16:50

@MiniCooperLover looks like he’s told you more than his girlfriend.

op, talk to him. mumsnet is great for advice but equally it can put ideas into your head.

Ilovetheseventies · 03/08/2020 23:10

I'm not divorced just separated. In my opinion I'm in no hurry to divorce as everything is sorted legally. I would probably only divorce if I was getting married again.

Original poster

DrebleD · 03/08/2020 23:54

Thanks everyone
@Ilovetheseventies what’s your reasoning for why you wouldn’t get divorced unless you’re remarrying? Can’t be arsed with the paperwork or is it you still have feelings for him so don’t want to close the door on it completely by getting divorced or another reason altogether?

OP posts:

Aquamarine1029 · 03/08/2020 23:59

Massive red flag for me. Both he and his ex have moved on so what's the hold up? I wouldn't stand for this.

Dery · 04/08/2020 00:42

“I actually think you not wanting marriage or kids in the future and him being upset / disappointed about it is more of a problem long term than him dragging heels on his divorce. Sounds like you have more long terms problems ahead.”

This. Being on a different page about having children can be a real problem - it would have been a deal breaker for me if DH hadn’t wanted them.

Shinyletsbebadguys · 04/08/2020 02:39

It's taken me 4 years to divorce exdh (nisi is being heard this week) and the honest answer is this , I told everyone else it was financial and faff and there was no need but it was more about accepting a chapter in my life was closed. All those Hope's and dreams on my wedding day had failed. That's hard. It's hard to und5unless you have been there. I have a DP that frankly I love more than I loved my exdh , it had absolutely nothing to do with feelings for exdh. Not even slightly. That final push is not just a piece of paper ,its an ending to something. It has been for me at least.

Ilovetheseventies · 04/08/2020 10:33

Dreble D
It wouldn't cost much to get divorced so that's not an issue.
I'm not sure why, I think because we were together for such a long time with mostly good times. If I had a DP who would like me to and it upset them then I probably would. It could be something to do with not moving on.
Just tell him to divorce and then quickly marry you then he won't feel like a failure.
You definetly have nothing to worry about I think you'll find he will be ready sooner than you realise.

Festivalgirl83 · 04/08/2020 10:51

Me and my ex DH are going through the paperwork now 2.5 years after split. His new girlfriend pushed him although she is now an ex. I have a DP I live with and who I adore but divorce was just not a priority for a long time, it doesn't really mean anything or change my relationship with my partner. And i definitely have no feelings for my ex!!

aSofaNearYou · 04/08/2020 13:20

*If he's not ready to divorce then he's not ready for a new long-term relationship.

I don't mean that nastily. But if he has unresolved feelings and grief about the years with his ex, then he should be dealing with that before getting into another serious relationship.*

This.

I would see it as a red flag, tbh. Not necessarily that he still has feelings for her, but that he's not ready to focus on your relationship and give you the respect you deserve.

Sunshineandflipflops · 04/08/2020 13:34

Similar here. I split with my ex 2.5 years ago after I discovered his affair. I thought we'd wait the two years and divorce as I didn't want the messiness of a 'blame' divorce with kids involved. Those two years came and went and neither me or my ex have instigated divorce proceedings. I have been with someone else for a year and he split with the OW and is now in another relationship.

I don't want to get married again and neither does my bf (he is divorced) so i really don't see the rush, unless my ex wants to re-marry, in which case he can instigate and pay for the divorce.

Also, I refuse to pay for a divorce when it wasn't my fault and yes...it's that final chapter ending. I would never get back together with my ex as he broke what we had and I could never trust him again but I meant every word of my wedding vows and there is still a sense of failure for me in that final step of divorce. Silly, as I love my bf but I guess because I don't hate my ex (we are quite amicable now), I really don't see the urgency to divorce.

I am also still in the family home with our children and part of my fear of divorce is having to sell the house as I won't be able to afford to get a mortgage on my own or buy him out. The current arrangement suits me well so I guess I'm partly burying my head in the sand.

If he were to present me with divorce papers, with a decent arrangement for the house, etc then I would sign...but I always dealt with money and paperwork in our marriage so I think he expects me to start the divorce too.

Ilovetheseventies · 04/08/2020 13:57

Asofanearyou
Loads of people aren't divorced but are in long term relationships, it doesn't mean a thing unless you really want to make a thing of it.
A very black and white view in my opinion.

aSofaNearYou · 04/08/2020 14:22

@Ilovetheseventies I know, I'm in a relationship with one. What I see as a red flag are his reasons why.

It's one thing if it's a practical issue like not having the money or concerns around the settlement etc, or even just not having thought about it. But I do see it as a red flag to be putting off divorce for emotive reasons when you are in a new, committed relationship. But then I've been on the other side and I do see it as selfish to get into a new relationship knowingly bringing that baggage with you. You should be ensuring you are in the right place mentally before being with someone new.

Cherrybakewellll · 04/08/2020 14:29

I'm with @MiniCooperLover on this. He probably thinks it'll be 'out of the frying pan, into the fire'.

monkeymonkey2010 · 04/08/2020 15:31

the feeling of failure and losing the life he created (their house etc.)
You actually believe this shit?
He's ALREADY LOST the life they created and he's already 'failed'.

He's bullshitting you.
I think he wants to stay married to her cos he still has feelings for her - and by not divorcing her he can still maintain an 'emotional' connection.
I suspect you're the re-bound.

Newwayofthinking · 04/08/2020 15:38

Financially it put the non divorced person in a problematic stituation, as both have a claim on the others finances, homes, inheritance, lottery wins etc.

I don't understand why you wouldn't divorce as soon as you can.

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