How do you make it final

[sophmum31]

Hi everyone,

I separated from my husband about a month ago. He has moved to a rented room and I've stayed at home with the kids.

We have many issues. One of the biggest is money, we have been together 18 years. We have two children. Our house is in his name and he has all of the money. Earlier in our relationship when our children were small we made the decision I would not work to look after the children. He controlled all of the money, he gave me £295 a month to run my car, buy all of the food and clothe the children, anything else I had to ask for which i hated. I'm now working and have a very good job so it isn't a massive problem anymore but since he has left I have found that there is a LOT of money sitting in accounts, it really hurts still that I went through that, worrying about how I was going to pay for things and having to spend my savings when actually there was plenty of money.

Material things are the most important thing to him. I once scraped my car along a gate and he didn't speak to me for 2 weeks, it was my daughters birthday and he missed her party because he was angry with me. (I paid myself to fix it). I live worried about the next accident when anything will be broken as it make such a horrible atmosphere.

Our home isn't happy at all. Our children don't spend time with us due to his constant nit picking. Mostly this is aimed at our 14 year old daughter, she is quite a strong personality and won't just give into what he wants so he constantly gets at her. She tells me she is anxious in social situations and says it is because of her dad constantly having a go at her. Hes not so bad with our son as he is easy going and hes also younger. He has tried a little to build bridges with our daughter since he has left but she has told me, hes had 14 years and its too late now.

He also blames me for everything that happens. If my daughter is late home for example, he will go off on one at her, then comes straight to me and has a go too. All of the responsibility for everything the kids do is on me. If my son plays too much xbox, it is because I let him and he told me years ago we would have a problem. He very rarely does anything with the kids though to give them experiences away from devices - if he does it is because I have planned it and booked the tickets etc.

I am on eggshells constantly, worried about who will break what or annoy him somehow.

A few years ago I caught him texting another woman, with dick pics and arranging to meet up with her, I found out before they did I believe. He promised he would change but nothing ever did!

I don't really like him as a person anymore, he is really negative about everything. He treats people who are doing their job quite badly and he spoils things we do by having to complain about things all the time. So if we go for a nice meal and something minor is wrong he has to complain and for me it spoils the whole thing.

Since he has left, for the first month every contact with him has been full of accusations, how this is all my fault as I didn't stop him leaving, how can i afford to have my hair cut as he is having to pay rent on a room, how can i buy "posh" crisps. He has one of the security cameras that texts to his phone and he caught a friend leaving and found some beer cans in the recycling and thought I had a man round. How he will fight me for money and the kids. He just turns up and lets himself in and the whole atmosphere of the house changes.

I know the writing is on the wall and I know what I have to do to create a happy life for myself and my kids. He has decided to come and work from our house today and wants to talk this afternoon.

BUT, when I'm in bed in the morning or going to sleep at night, or sometimes it comes over me like a wave - am I doing the right thing? Could he change? I still actually really care for him despite everything and its so hard to see him upset (although I know he hasn't minded seeing me upset). How do you make the final step to tell them its over?

You are absolutely doing the right thing - the thing to focus on here is getting him out of your day to day life. Unfortunately if his name is on the deeds, he has a right to enter the property.

1. Have you seen a solicitor?
2. Have you taken steps to put the house on the market?

You're entitled to at least half of all the assets from the marriage. Copy documents, everything you can find and if you haven't done so already, prepare a timeline of events and summary of all marital assets and their value to show the solicitor.

You’ve set off in the right direction. Done that huge first step. Now get some back up. Get a good solicitor. Get copies or photos of the accounts he’s got money in.

It will feel strange, you will miss him. It’s almost a habit. Make a list of all the bad things he’s done to you and your children and read it when you think you want to stay. (Or read this thread). Have a mental picture of you and the kids living in a house that’s all yours. It might be smaller but it will be calmer and nobody will have his abuse there..

When you speak to him it’s fine to just say you’ve had enough and want to separate property. Don’t be talked round to what he thinks. You’re deciding now. He’s controlled you enough. If you’re worried about telling him, say you want to see a counsellor before deciding anything - talk things through independently. Be strong and brave. Keep the thought of your daughter and how he’s affecting her in your mind. Get her away.

Whoa there, what do you mean he's ''let himself in'' and decided to work from YOUR house today'' ????

WTF ????

If he's renting somewhere it's because he's moved out !!!!

You need to ( with NO discussion to HIM)

1.Change the locks (all you need to say is you lost your keys and can't get a set for him as too busy).

1. Take either half or all money from any joint accounts and inform bank to take your name off those accounts.
2. Take down the bloody security camera he's using to spy on you.
3. Pack ALL his shit, including work stuff and tell him to pick it up from the front garden.
4. Gather all important documents e.g passports/ birth certificates/ bank statements/ savings etc.
5. See a solicitor about getting divorce proceedings started.

Do NOT allow him access to your home again. If he wants to see the kids, then he takes them out or to HIS place.

The way you're both behaving it's as if you're waiting for HIM to decide whether the separation is permanent. It's not up to him, it's up to you to proceed if that's what you want.