How will this guy ever find anyone?

[Ifyoucankeepyourhead888]

Maybe I am saying this as an ego boost to myself.

Was royally messed around by someone recently. He came on really, really strong but in a life partners way rather than a dtd way e.g. this is what I want, I am looking for this, I am trying to build a relationship. My point is, if he had just been playing me a bit more openly it would have been less of a head f*. His ex fiancee left him a month after they got engaged and he admitted he had taken her for granted. She was his first relationship and they had moved in instantly upon meeting, all very intense, together for several years. She left him a year ago. This makes me think he really wasnt that easy to live with or be in a relationship with.

He was a massive talker and kept talking about his feelings/his emotions/told me some really deep things. I can see now that he wanted a therapist stand-in for his ex gf, basically an ex replacement... But didnt really care who she was as long she was a "replaceable" woman facepalm

We had several dates and the whole time he was pushing it forward e.g. lets do this next time/these are my future plans/this is what Im looking for/I only date if I can see things really going somewhere. I had my doubts about him but was aware it was early days and liked several aspects/thought he was a genuine guy so went along for the ride. He then completely changed his tune, said he was looking for something serious but was quite mean/insensitive to me in person, made me feel very interchangeable despte the fact we had had several dates/long chats/spent a lot of time in each others' company, yet still continued to message; also admitted he had been horrible to women in the recent past e.g. ghosted them when things were going well, but took no responsibility for it. It basically felt like his emotions and thoughts would switch in an instant with no regard or respect for me. Like he didnt see me as an equal or even as a human being who deserved empathy and respect.

I just dont get what he wants or how he will find it! He made me feel so rubbish even though realistically I know the problem is all on him and how he chose to communicate. He was brutal & blunt but equally not upfront. Basically took me for granted too and this was a few weeks in! It has really messed with me and made me feel a bit worthless and like a ONS encounter, which is fine, but he had set me up for believing it was way more than that to him and I was playing it very cool, then he turned. I honestly think he is mentally ill, purely for how he handled the situation, it was so cruel :s

Our dates weren't even that fun but I kept giving him a chance as I was bored basically, and then he didnt even have the decency to treat me well and properly end things. Had he been more respectful I would have seen it differently, but he got into my head and then was so cruel and cold after.

has anyone else dealt with anything like this? I am over it but quite bruised as he was so cruel really.

I'm about to do a similar post. My ex was totally upfront about what he wanted yet I feel has strung me along and I now see how and why his past relationships didn't work and have no idea how he will have another one the way he is. Just be thankful that you've seen it early on.

I think rather than wasting any more time trying to work him out, which you will never ever do, it would be much better to work yourself out - figure out why you ignored so many red flags, wasted so much time on him (and continue to do so), and kept giving him chances, and do the work on yourself to make sure you don't make the same mistakes again.

I had something similar recently, met OLD and chatted a lot, met up and on our first ever date he started planning our future, telling me I could help with certain aspects of his life and how great it would be having family holidays with us and our kids etc. He would face time so his kids could chat to me and he wanted everything straight away. I tried to tell him to take things slowly then I heard no more from him which was weird but also a relief. Men can be very strange at times.

There are loads of these types of men and women around. It’s just about their ego. If they spot a weakness in you (bored, lonely, sad, co-dependent) then they can hone in on that - you know those long chats you have? You also reveal things about yourself in return. Those chats are a fishing expedition when you meet a love bomber. They are fishing for your weak spots and sympathy.

Strong people with good self esteem and boundaries would meet one of these people, spent 1 date with them, spot this early on think WTF and no thanks, I will pass.

I’ve done this too, so I am not holier than thou. But all those excuses you make for someone like this - also a set up, he’s already told you about his bad childhood and loss of relationships so you already feel sorry for him, and want to be the person who can make it all better. You then excuse his bad behaviour ‘he’s had a bad childhood’ etc etc

Don't waste another second thinking about his problems.

Concentrate on yourself and you own needs and self development

@Menora I did think that but think it is less cut and dry in this case.

If it was just ego, he would have ended it properly or more respectfully I think as he would have got what he wanted. He longed it out until I broke it off.

I do genuinely think he wants a gf quite badly but again was all about him (he wanted one as he was far happier in a r/ship... all about him).

He also wasn't emotionally aware enough to play me!! Like he had some very negative personality traits that really he should have hidden had he wanted that, and was quite charmless!

What do you mean by ego? Like a conquest? As I say, I can see why you would think that but I believe he was genuinely auditioning for a wife! In a completely messed up way

It’s ego! Why would someone want to look like the bad guy by being honest and upfront? Way easier to avoid all confrontation and twist it all back so you have to make all the heavy decisions. It’s all fun and ego boost when you are chasing someone to win them, but boring and less exciting when you are done with them

Most likely, he lied, thinking he had to do that to get the sex he wanted.

Wanker

@Menora thanks that does make sense but his methods were ridiculous then. Pushing hard for a lt relationship when I hadnt implied I wanted one, talking about long term goals and ambitions, talking about having bloody children (this was him!), talking about ridiculous boring adult things like investments, retirement, pensions! hardly the talk of blooming new romance

I dont get why you wouldnt at least try and pursue a relationship with someone who was apparently ticking your boxes? Does that make sense? From what he had said about his boxes, I was ticking them all. We also had several dates before anything happened. I just think there are easier ways to chase someone to win them... And he could have done it a lot sooner rather than wait weeks

How will someone with this attitude ever find someone? Like what do they want?

@SoulofanAggron But it wasnt so much lying, it was complete and utter deception if that was the case. His whole dating profile was set up to focus on the idea of a rship. The photos werent flattering, they were realistic and showed him as a regular mid 30s guy. He was really, really keen on finding a relationship - almost certainly on the rebound in fact

I agree that there are men and women around who are intense and want you to fall big time then find a reason why you are not perfect. They will struggle to find anyone playing those sort of games.

I met a man OLD immediately messaged hundreds of times a day. Said I was perfect, very full on. Met up for first date and got on well and lots of laughs and immediately very heavy - I never expected to meet someone like you and said he was in deep.

I explained that if was very quick and that I was also chatting to another man. I arranged to meet other man before him and thought I ought to still meet him. Very quick for me.

He backed right up. You are not who I thought you are. You are keeping your options open (yes we only had one date!). You have BETRAYED me...... what my having a coffee, being totally open and honest....

Mega head fuck. Odd ball

Well if you want another perspective on this then it boils down to meeting someone, getting too over excited too soon totally over investing then getting to know them more and realising they aren’t that into you, or there are things that don’t work for them. Then they aren’t really sure how to put an end to it.

But I think it’s love bombing you are talking about - google it

@MoreListeningLessChatting yes agree with this so much! It felt like he was genuinely super excited about things and then suddenly the scales dropped from his eyes and he realised I was an imperfect person/an actual human being and not a challenge. Massive reverse on his part, I can't cope, I'm not ready for anything, but still messaging, still leaving me to decipher things. He would initiate meeting up but not with the same follow-through as before.

Basically like a scared, lonely little boy. I am an adult and appreciate things/feelings change but how out of touch with yourself do you have to be to string someone along for weeks and then suddenly do a 180 without explaining to them that you dont want to continue? Like where is the regard for them as a human being?

It's not my problem I know but genuinely how will he find someone? I am attractive, I know he found me attractive and there was intense chemistry, we got on well, we had similar goals/ambitions... I have a personality and can hold a conversation so it definitely wasn't just about looks. We spoke so much about relationship-type things and hung out in a coupley way.

Like what more do you actually want? Everyone you will meet will have flaws, I understand if it just wasnt right or he wasnt feeling it but then use your big boy words and say. The irony was he prided himself on communication and trust being exceptionally important in a relationship. I just dont think he could handle the reality of anything!

I don't think the point is them finding someone, its meeting someone new, building them up and discarding them. Repeatedly. Some of them are even married and do this...

They are experts at drawing you in, particularly if you are a little niaive or similar.

I was contacted on Facebook by an older version of the same type recently. This guy is now 60, at one point he was presumably a young guy with his life ahead of him but he's still going through the motions at his age and its pathetic. Fortunately, I had actually been told about him from someone else, so even if he hadn't been far, far too old for me, I knew not to fall for the starting chat or risk getting drawn in.

What I was actually told by at least 2 people before is what a slimeball he was - he used to hunt the nightclubs with his married friend for ONSs, and they both used to take them back to his flat. They're both runners and so I can imagine they've already worked their way through local running groups as well.

You do have to wonder whether its worth it - all that effort to attract someone, then all the misery caused by discarding them, just to remain single enough to do the same thing over and over again, eventually to be left alone and to have people think they're a slimeball.

I've also noticed a lot of dodge guys are making contact on FB and not on dating apps lately.

So many of these messed up, emotionally strange man-babies out there looking for a woman to "fix" their issues.

You would be wise to learn about narcissists. It sounds like he was a really obvious one as he love bombed you and future faked. He also shared personal info with you very early (a common tactic in order A. To get you to bond with him fast and B. To get you to possibly share similar info with him which he will then be able to use against you in future). Plus he told you he had been horrible to women in the past. These are standard red flags for overt narcissists.

If you has known this you would have already knew exactly what kind of a fake assed psycho he was.

They drop clues and when you know what they are, you can follow them.

Now you know! In future be on the look out for these warning signs as they are textbook npd.

Fingers crossed you wont run into anymore though. But there are a lot of them out there!

And it isn't mental illness it's a personality disorder in the same cluster as sociopathy. You've dodged a bullet!