5050 split and ex now stopped payments and access

[mizzsuzy80]

Hi Mums, please can you offer some advice. Never married to ex, together daughter is now 11, we split when she was 7 after i caught him cheating. He earns £116k a year. I earn £21.5k a year. When we split I had to search employment close to school as he was always working abroad and changing the 50/50 rota we set up. I had to take a 10k paycut so one of us here. I love the job that i am in but sick of him telling me well your choice to be there now that he is suddenly here all the time again. Now his role changed and he has been home doing the 50/50 split properly for last 12 months fully and not changed the rota. Things have become extremely strained in last 9 months (before we would still do xmas as a family, birthdays with daughter, mother/fathers day as we had a good relationship. I am happily with a new person 3 years on and he met someone 10 months ago who my daughter hates and has totally brainwashed him) Strained because he has now renounced on the existing verbal agreements around what he would and always paid for (school clubs, holiday clubs etc given his extremely large wage) Daughter has felt certainly for the last 4 months that as dad moved his girlfriend in that her dad has changed and she is no longer given any attention, girlfriend has been verbally abusive to my daughter. I have been trying to get him to agree to a parenting plan since January as this is what he wanted. 26 times i have asked him to respond to my 11 page one after he submitted one (3 page) that was all about changing the financials. Since March i have repeatedly asked for mediation to no avail. Now girlfriend gone back to work and less at the house daughter said it is like my old dad is back. Problem now is daughter has hit puberty, got told off by me for not eating dinner and backchat so went to dads as per schedule and said she dosn't want to come back as i said she can't have her mobile phone. Dad now refused me access for 2 weeks "as this is what daughter wants" and now carted her off down to grandparents without my permission for 2 weeks so i have no access with daughter for 4 weeks. He has also stopped maintenance payments without any notification as of last week. Please can someone help. I am scared about going through CSA as we have 50/50 but his money paid half the rent. I can't afford legal fees. I have no debt or credit cards and my outgoings are literally rent, insurance, car. I have been on 80% for 4 months. I am at my wits end.

Sorry don’t have any experience in this but didn’t want to read and run. I think your first call should be to citizens advice, they may be able to give help with getting legal advice, good luck!

Sorry no advice. There's a legal section on MN. They might be able to help with general advice. Good luck

If you have a true 50/50 split of care, no maintenance should be payable.

If you're unhappy about the access arrangements changing, apply to court - many parents self-represent in the Family Court.

If it’s truly 50:50 then he owes no maintenance.

Have you spoken to your daughter? At 11 she’s old enough to say if she wants to be at grandparents or not.

An 11 page parenting plan? For an 11 year old? What on earth was on it? Surely all it needs is dates and times, what to do if it needs to change, holidays and an agreement over school and hobbies?

First step is to seek legal advice re. Access if you feel it needs to be formalised. Money your only recourse is CSA

If its 50/50 he doesn't have to pay maintenance, and because you weren't married, i don't think you have much protection to ask for extra money for rent etc.

At 11yo, courts will take childs wishes into consideration more so you need to prepare yourself dd may want to spend more time with her dad, but maybe she is only doing it because the girlfriend is working again, and she'll want to come back to you

Why is no maintenance payable if he earns more than 5x her wage? That can’t be right??

@Whichoneofyoudidthat

Why is no maintenance payable if he earns more than 5x her wage? That can’t be right??

Because both parents have her half the time so already share half the costs. It's not about paying the ex some type of salary, it's about the cost of the child. Which is equally shared now.

OP, you need legal advice regarding access, however, do you know your daughters view on this? Because if she wants to be with her dads family then there isn't much (or anything) you can do at this age. It's her right to see her parents. It's not a parents right to see her per se. She has a say in that.

Why is no maintenance payable if he earns more than 5x her wage? That can’t be right??

Because 50:50 means they both share care equally. He pays for his half, she pays for hers. Same costs, same bills.

They weren’t married so no spousal maintenance.

@Whichoneofyoudidthat

Why is no maintenance payable if he earns more than 5x her wage? That can’t be right??

No maintenance is payable because their daughter is splitting her time 50/50 between both parents, the maintenance is to pay the costs for the child not for the Mother. His wage is irrelevant.

I would be encouraging all your daughters family to be helping and not angry with the access currently happening
Teens or pre need a village to chip in and be around for support
Somehow a simple 1-2 page agreement would be basic times dates and how will you deal with future issues or behaviour as her parents.
It's great that dad is stepping in between you to give some space for now not that it is ever pleasant.
Setting times for phones and rules no teen ever likes.
Could you agree with dad to back boundaries and respectful behaviour
Look at all this way and thank god she is with grandparents/dad than some dodgy mate or god knows who.
Do not let this ruin your relationship.

The theory is that with 50:50 care and financial costs are borne equally therefore no maintenance payable. The reality can often be very different, with one parent not actually doing 50% care or not paying 50% of joint expenditure. Things like clothes, uniforms, sports, school supplies, wrap around care, holiday care. It looks like OP is in this situation because she took a lower paying job to work around her Ex's high paying job and has provided extra care when necessary.

It looks like OP is in this situation because she took a lower paying job to work around her Ex's high paying job and has provided extra care when necessary

Used to be when her ex was working away. He’s changed jobs and has now been providing 50:50 care for the last 12 months while paying maintenance. I know it’s not easy to find more hours or a higher paid job, but has o/p even been looking?

Yeah you would of had alot more financial protection had you been married before having a child, but as it stands I don't think there is much you can do going from previous storys, it's a 50/50 split so each partner is not obliged to help the other out financially even if they do earn significantly more, its a morale thing if they do decide to help, no doubt the dad is spoiling her and so naturally she wants to be with dad, she is likely to be a handful throughout teenage years getting everything she wants when she wants and then when somebody tells her no for the first time it all kicks off, seen it many a times!

Keep the evidence he has refused mediation as this has to be done before court unless you experienced domestic violence. The issue is contact and he is stopping contact and telling you it is what your child wants. Can you speak to her? There's a lot of red flags around control and coercion here, is it possible he is controlling her? You need proper advice from a family law solicitor for next steps. The cheating, money and new partner I don't think are relevant. Focus on him.denying you contact. Research parental alienation