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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

It’s over but I don’t want to hurt him

26 replies

Ocean23 · 02/08/2020 23:25

Hi
I have been with my husband for 12 years, married for almost 3, we have 3 children 11, 8 and 3.
For a very long time I have felt myself drifting away from the relationship mentally, over the years he has done and said things that has gradually pushed me away. I think the main issue I have is his temper. He has a very short fuse and it is not an attractive trait at all especially when he’s losing it at the kids. (Can I add he had never laid a finger on us although he can have a very wicked tongue)
He has a short fuse at home, out in public and at work (he’s been referred to anger management with previous employer)
We don’t share the same views on hardly anything, he is a very negative person generally and I am (or was) a very positive, happy go lucky, laid back person but I feel like the negativity is bringing me down. It’s horrible to say but the house is so calm and peaceful when he is at work.
It’s got to the point where I just can’t stand to sleep with him, although I do because I can’t be bothered with the arguments it causes if I say no. I just don’t enjoy it and I can’t wait for it to be over. I tried to end it before Christmas and he was devastated, called his mum right away, told the kids mummy don’t love me any more (I asked him not to say anything to the kids as yet because it was still very fresh but he did it anyway) which broke my eldest girls heart. He ended up convincing me to try marriage counselling which I eventually agreed to just to say that at least I tried although I knew it wouldn’t work. The marriage counselling never happened and I’m still here. When the kids are being well behaved they have an ok relationship with him, he doesn’t necessarily show them much affection, he will say love you to them but no cuddles, if they try jumping on his back or playing with him they tend to get told off. He likes to do things with them though, waterparks, zip lining etc mainly because he enjoys these things lol.
I do feel like he loves me still though which makes it hard. But if I’m on the phone to my mum he will put on a show and keep kissing me and saying how ouch he loves me etc,,,my friend also commented on how over the top he was when telling her he loved me so much etc.
Another issue I have is respect, I feel like he doesn’t have much respect for anyone. He lost it with the kids the other day before actually speaking to them and finding out what actually happened but after I had calmed the situation down it turned out he was wrong and the kids did something on an accident and I asked him to apologise to them which he said he doesn’t have to apologise to anyone!
Also respect towards me, there’s an endless list of reasons I feel like a ‘toy’ to him. He is CONSTANTLY groping me, boobs, bum and other places in front of his parents, my parents the kids!!! Which I obviously tell him is majorly inappropriate but he doesn’t listen and just does it time and time again. I can’t have a shower, get changed anything without him being there looking at me! I find it a little weird. But I’m sorry for going on, the point of me posting was I think I need to leave but I really don’t want to hurt him, or the kids. But I feel like it would be the best thing for both of us. The only thing is we are military and currently living abroad with one year left which makes things even more difficult. I guess I just wanted someone to talk to and maybe get someone’s opinion or advice. Thankyou xx

OP posts:
DishingOutDone · 02/08/2020 23:31

This sounds pretty grim OP, but how will you leave - do you have a plan? If you are in military accommodation overseas can you simply put everyone on a plane and come back to your parents?

You say it will be the best thing for you both to split up, I can assure you it will certainly be much better for your DCs to see you happy. But I am worried you say he has a short fuse - you need to make sure you can get away safely; have you got all the passports?

DishingOutDone · 02/08/2020 23:32

BTW I am pretty sure there is a military wives topic on here, someone might come along and point you towards it as I am sure there are issues that they can support you with.

Pipandmum · 02/08/2020 23:32

Only you can decide what to do. As for hurting him, that's inevitable isn't it? Do you want to continue as things are for the sake of hurting his feelings?
It is going to be devastating for all of you in the short term, but ultimately you must decide whether you can live this way or make the hard decisions needed to change. You only have the one life.

Original poster
Ocean23 · 02/08/2020 23:38

I mean covid is making plans a little harder, when I told him it was I’ve before Xmas I planned on going back with the kids, and renting somewhere I till our tenants contract in the house was up so we could potentially sell and I could use that money for a deposit on a new house. I guess that would be the plan this time too. Yes I have access to the passports etc, I don’t think he would do anything silly in that respect, there would probably be a lot of tears and saying things to the kids to guilt trip me but I do feel we would be safe. I’m a little concerned on his welfare though he has recently had a bad dip in his mental health where he said he felt like he wanted to drive into a tree when he was in the care alone. I’m so scared that if I do leave he would go back to that place again. I just want him to be happy too, I feel like we are not right together. He doesn’t make me happy and although I know he loves me I know I don’t make him happy, I can’t do. My heart isn’t in the marriage and he knows it. Xx

OP posts:
Original poster
Ocean23 · 02/08/2020 23:39

Yes pipandmum I keep telling myself this, we only have one life.

OP posts:
mineofuselessinformation · 03/08/2020 00:02

The name for it eludes me at the moment, but I know there should be some kind of forces welfare officer you can talk to? Go back home if you can, talk to Women's Aid if you don't have anyone to go to, as they can help.

mineofuselessinformation · 03/08/2020 00:04

Oh, and, my understanding is that even if you separate and he leaves, you are still entitled to stay for a while - three months I think???

Original poster
Ocean23 · 03/08/2020 05:28

Thankyou so much everyone.
It’s not really about the how I think it’s more of a ‘is it the right thing to do, should I go or should I suck it up and keep the family together’ has anyone else been in this position xx

OP posts:
Mintjulia · 03/08/2020 05:42

The temper, the sexual bullying, the love bombing in public, the emotional blackmail guilt tripping you by telling the kids and your mil you wanted to leave, the threats of suicide (and they are threats, to keep you in line, don’t be fooled).
It has to be your choice, but yes, I think you have to leave, for your children’s well being, if not your own.
And please be very careful, his anger issues are worrying x

Wannabegreenfingers · 03/08/2020 06:07

this is my stbexh. It never changes. He has zero respect for me. He's now the perfect Disney Dad. Leave and get your own life back. Its hard I wont lie, but not living all the time on eggshells is wonderful.

vikingwife · 03/08/2020 06:11

You need to leave. You get one life. I like to think of it as when you’re on your deathbed what would you think & regret in life?

You need to put yourself first, acknowledge that you have the right to be happy & his happiness does not trump yours.

You can’t break up with someone & not hurt them. It doesn’t work like that.

This may not be what he wants but it’s what is needed. He is not going to agree with you this is the right decision. You need to have faith in yourself you’ve made the right decision for you & action it.

Your children deserve a happy mother. One day children grow up & leave, then you’re left with your partner. Do not stay together for the children, they won’t thank you when they grow up & you will have martyred yourself for nothing.

I would seek out the assistance of military welfare. You could be back on home soil very quickly & away from him. He sounds just awful.

category12 · 03/08/2020 07:10

Yes, it's the right thing to do.

Your children were shocked that time, and never had time or space to get used to a new way of living. Of course they fear change, anyone would, and when you're a child you don't have any control, so it's especially scary. But they will adapt and potentially find the change better and safer emotionally.

updownroundandround · 03/08/2020 12:45

You need to stop worrying about hurting HIM, and think about him no longer being able to hurt YOU and your DC'ren.

Only YOU can do this. Your children are stuck in a horrific 'limbo'' right now where they can see you're not happy, and that they're not happy !

Please, make the move and split with your H, so that you and the children can begin to live a calm and peaceful life in your own home.
It will take time, for all of you to get used to the huge change, and you'll all need each others support. but just look forward to the time when you all KNOW he isn't coming home and you are all relaxed.

daisychain01 · 03/08/2020 12:54

@mineofuselessinformation

The name for it eludes me at the moment, but I know there should be some kind of forces welfare officer you can talk to? Go back home if you can, talk to Women's Aid if you don't have anyone to go to, as they can help.
The only thing is we are military and currently living abroad with one year left which makes things even more difficult.

In response to this, and to @mineofuselessinformation please contact SSAFA (Soldiers, Sailors and Airforce Association) which is the Armed Forces Charity, as you, your DH and your children are covered for life. SSAFA can arrange marriage / couples counselling and treatment for your DH, plus anything else you need, even when you are abroad.

My first thought was that maybe your DH has undiagnosed/untreated PTSD (re: anger).

SSAFA have a great website with info about what they cover.

daisychain01 · 03/08/2020 12:56

@Ocean23

Thankyou so much everyone. It’s not really about the how I think it’s more of a ‘is it the right thing to do, should I go or should I suck it up and keep the family together’ has anyone else been in this position xx
Try SSAFA before making any decision about breaking up your lovely family. It may not be necessary. I'm so sad for you, but see if you can get some professional support first x
Tiny2018 · 03/08/2020 14:10

Has he always been like this OP?

Original poster
Ocean23 · 03/08/2020 14:17

Yes he has for as long as I remember l

OP posts:
helloareyouthere · 03/08/2020 14:23

He clearly doesn't give one shit about your feelings or the kids ('Mummy doesn't love me' FFS), so not sure why you are caring about his. Don't treat him better than he treats you. Find your own path of determination and follow that.

Arrivederla · 03/08/2020 14:24

...before making any decision about breaking up your lovely family "

You really think this daisychain? Even with the dh constantly grabbing, groping and ignoring the op's sexual boundaries?

I am shocked that you would come on here and minimise what she is going through like this.

Roguesausage · 03/08/2020 14:41

He is CONSTANTLY groping me, boobs, bum and other places in front of his parents, my parents the kids!!!

This guy is sexually assaulting you and is also emotionally abusing your kids when he assaults you in front of them. It’s also an act of domination and ownership in front of your parents.

You also say he’s coercing you into sex. I’m sorry to say sexual abuse always escalates and I’m wondering just how bad this has really got.

Can you leave and stay with your parents? There’s no coming back from this and the sexual abuse is going to get worse. Do not for one moment accept anyone telling you it’s misplaced affection. It’s a deliberate act designed to humiliate you and make you feel unsafe in your own body.

kazzer2867 · 03/08/2020 17:35

He has a short fuse at home, out in public and at work (he’s been referred to anger management with previous employer)

He is CONSTANTLY groping me, boobs, bum and other places in front of his parents, my parents the kids!!! Which I obviously tell him is majorly inappropriate but he doesn’t listen and just does it time and time again. I can’t have a shower, get changed anything without him being there looking at me! I find it a little weird.

@daisychain01 - breaking up your lovely family. How does the above seem like a lovely family to you. I only hope you haven't read the entire thread. Do you think it's ok for a man to sexually abuse women or is it only those who are married? The OP has clearly stated that her husband has anger problems, only has sex with him as not to will cause an argument and has not boundaries when it comes to what she wants to happen to her body.

Sound like a lovely family does it? Views like yours do more harm than good.

daisychain01 · 03/08/2020 18:58

@Arrivederla

...before making any decision about breaking up your lovely family "

You really think this daisychain? Even with the dh constantly grabbing, groping and ignoring the op's sexual boundaries?

I am shocked that you would come on here and minimise what she is going through like this.

Did you not read what I wrote to the OP?

I asked whether she thinks her DH may be suffering from PTSD. If he is military, I have no way of knowing neither does anyone on here what his past history is, so we are working on assumptions and slating that man without knowing their background.

PTSD left untreated can destroy families, changes people into monsters, even though they may be someone completely different. they have had children together, there must have been something there to begin with.

The OP would be advised to seek help and proper medical diagnosis, not take heed of the baying masses shouting LTB, before the full facts are known.

I volunteer for the charity I mentioned upthread, I know the score, whether or not it applies to the OPs husband I have no visibility without many more facts than the superficial information on this thread. If nothing else, the OP could need support in moving away from there, the charity helps with that too.

Roguesausage · 03/08/2020 19:04

PTSD does not cause someone to be sexually abusive.

I think it’s more likely that the op has PTSD from being repeatedly sexually assaulted. Her home is it’s own battlefield and factually a crime scene.

daisychain01 · 03/08/2020 20:41

@Roguesausage

PTSD does not cause someone to be sexually abusive.

I think it’s more likely that the op has PTSD from being repeatedly sexually assaulted. Her home is it’s own battlefield and factually a crime scene.

And your professional qualifications are? PTSD can cause all manner of maladaptive behaviours, I can assure you. I'm not excusing what the DH is doing, and I'm not saying categorically that he is suffering PTSD, but significant numbers of military people suffer and it frequently goes untreated.

I'm recommending professional help to avoid vilifying someone who is exhibiting extremely negative behaviour to his wife. He still deserves to be treated like a human being if he is suffering, even if it does involve the marriage breaking up.

Roguesausage · 03/08/2020 22:08

Daisy I don’t need to have professional qualifications to know that ptsd does not cause someone to become sexually abusive.

All I need to do is take a look at the shocking statistics of domestic violence / sexual assaults committed each year and calculate that around a third of these victims will have ptsd.

That would leave us with hundreds of thousands of female ptsd victims going around sexually assaulting people. And that’s not happening.

I’m of the mind it is the op who needs professional help. If you knew much at all about sexual abuse and what drives it you would understand that these people cannot be rehabilitated.