What do you do when you can't afford counselling?

[LostConfusion]

I'm having a tough time at the moment. The last 12 months have been particularly hard for me.

I left an emotionally abusive husband and my world crumbled around me.
I now have no friends literally, no longer talk to my mother because of something she did in the aftermath of my separation and cannot talk to my siblings about it because one is under parental FOG and the other I haven't been close to in many years. We are trying to rebuild our relationship but it has been awkward and I feel I cannot be entirely open with this sibling even though I think they would understand better than the other. They both have their plates full anyway so don't have a lot of time for me anyway.

My father was a very difficult man, lots of shouting when I grew up. Often wished he would hit me rather than spend an hour or more shouting and going purple in the face if I stepped out of line. He used silent treatment and removal of affection as punishments also. He died over a decade ago and since then the family has pretty much fallen apart.

I was a nervous, quiet and compliant child/teenager, didn't get in trouble and followed the rules. I was naturally inclined to be that way but was always in fear of getting in trouble because of the reaction at home.
My parents were very strict, think being late home by 2mins would earn the shouting plus weeks of being grounded and having all privileges revoked.

It was a very "Dad's rules" household, my Mother would always deffer to him and threaten us with "when your father gets home". She spent a lot of time trying to make me "ladylike", would tell me I should dress nicely and wear makeup because basically men didn't like women who didn't wear makeup and never wore dresses and had opinions.

I was a tomboy growing up and the focus my mum put on how I looked and how she framed relationships (left me with the impression that I should be a housewife taking care of children and putting up with whatever my husband did/said because "that's just what men are like") made me rebel in so far as I could.
I would wear comfortable baggy clothes, rarely wore makeup, never wore dresses and skirts, hated pink because it was "girly" and I so wanted to not be a stepford wife. In my late teens I wore a lot of black but was never "goth", it was like I was afraid of colour!

I rejected femininity as much as I could. With hindsight I know that it wasn't because I didn't like pink/dresses etc I didn't like how they seemed enmeshed in the female role as dictated by our household.
Once I had my very long hair cut and Dad refused to talk to me for a fortnight.

I made one very big mistake as a teenager (drink involved - I had never drank before!) which ended in quite traumatic circumstances for me. My parents did not discuss anything about the incident other than for dad to berate me, then he stopped talking to me for months.
The incident was never mentioned again in his lifetime.

My mother brought it up last year because she said she felt they didn't handle it well, we discussed it for a few minutes and I tried to make her feel better about it... but the truth is I spent most of my time from 16-late 20's really struggling to come to terms with what had happened, how I was treated afterwards, my parents reactions, guilt, shame etc etc it really affected me badly and if I dwell on it now it still very much upsets me.

I was an academically good student at school and relatively well liked by teachers, an outsider to most of my peers I grew up with being called "weird" a lot. I was painfully shy, had an extremely small friendship group and struggled with social activities. I think maybe I may be autistic.

After leaving school I didn't know what I wanted to do with my life, never attended college or uni because of this and have spent the time since in a string of minimum wage jobs which I have been pretty unhappy in. I am distinctly average, don't have any particular skills that I am really good at.
I have some hobbies that I kind of enjoy but they are nothing I could translate to a career. I find I pick them up when I feel like it, get bored quickly with them and forget about them for months and months. I don't think that I am good at anything particularly, ok but not good.

I often feel restless, like I want to do something in either my work life or hobby kind of thing but I'm damned if I know what! I don't want to be a carer/nurse or teacher which is what most people think I should do.

Now I am in my late 30's and with everything that has happened over the last while, feel completely at a loss, my head feels full of stuff I think I need to work through but I have no one to talk to, I cannot afford a counsellor and the 6 session CBT offered by my Dr has a massive waiting list which I'm on.

I feel like I have ground to a complete stop, still as lost as ever on which direction I should try to go and even more disillusioned about family/friends/partners. I don't feel I have ever been truly loved or made priority for anyone and honestly don't think I ever will be.

I look at my friendships and see that I was wanted for specific things, someone to be with if nothing better presented itself/someone who might sleep with them (for the men)/someone who would do stuff for them and not really wonder about not getting the same back or whatever.

Looking back I don't think I have had a friend who had my back, just people who wanted stuff from me. I feel like I can't make friends because I have no money to go out/join stuff, I have no "umpf" to propel me into doing things anyway right now and no one wants to make friends with the depressive who does nothing but exist- what have you been up to this week? Nothing really - ooh exciting!

Now I am struggling with depression and anxiety which I'm taking medication for, it takes the edge off a little but I am a very unhappy person now and I struggle with self care. I am a mess, my house is a tip and it's all overwhelming. I had tried to break it down into smaller bits but don't even feel up to them anymore.

I don't think the stately homes thread is the place for me because although my parents used questionable parenting techniques at times, I don't think they were abusive.

I think counselling would benefit me but what do you do when you can't afford it?

Sorry this turned out so long, I'm unsure of what is relevant and not.

Sorry to add: I also struggle with perfectionism and fear of failure which I think is a leftover from childhood maybe?
Homework was unpleasant, my dad always "helped" but would erase the entire page and make me do it over and over again if I made any mistakes or wasn't neat enough.
I am particularly bad at maths and literally struggle to add 2+2 if someone is waiting for the answer, my father was very good at maths in his head and was very impatient with me to give the correct answer quickly and would get a bit cross if I was too slow.

Read your full post and hoping it might have been cathartic to write all that down
Sounds like you have had some really tough times

Might be worth going back to docs to see if they can get you any other form of counselling earlier

Or maybe look for a support group online? It's harder at the moment with a lot of groups and even churches being closed (sometimes there is support there where people will listen and pray for you if you would be open to that)

Sure people with more experience and help will be along but didn't want to read and run

Also re-read some parts and your Dad was abusive. Making you erase work plus the level of shouting and not being there for you through trauma - they let you down

Thank you jack I guess church is a great support but I am not religious and I think I'd feel like I was taking advantage or don't really belong?

Having faith must be a huge comfort but I just don't believe and whilst I would be respectful I think my face would betray me if someone said there was a reason or higher purpose to my pain.

You can do the freedom programme online, I believe it's free (for women leaving abusive relationships).

The Stately Homes thread on here is excellent for getting support with difficult families.

Finally, many therapists offer sliding scales of fees.

You sound really good at self reflection so perhaps a mixture of some self help books about overcoming toxic Relationships plus joining a Facebook Closed group Or two to discuss with likeminded or people who’ve experienced similar issues. And journal. You wrote well here so write it out and make reflections and observations and set goals etc. In counselling the counsellor helps you find the answers that already lie inside you- and gives you some tools for self help... you can do much of that for less than £25-30 for a few books and a notebook etc.
Also may be worth looking locally for free or donation based counselling services. Might be a waiting list too- but you can do a lot in the meantime.

Sorry to hear what you’ve been through, but it’s great that you’re looking for help. Do you work? I didn’t realise it but my workplace offered six free therapy sessions, which I took advantage of when I was having a tough time last year.
There are also quite a few online therapy companies these days. I’ve never tried them but they’re cheaper than face to face I think, and might be worth a look. I hope you manage to find some peace.

Thank you for the replies, I looked into the freedom project and it costs £15, I can't even afford that right now. I'm on benefits and have literally nothing left at the end of the month. I can't even cut anything out to free up a few pounds, I'm living budgeted to the last penny and I'm not expensive to keep.

I've tried journaling but I feel like I'm going round in circles with no forward movement or "answers"

I've spoken to the Dr about any counselling options but apparently it's CBT or nothing, feel like they'd happily drug me completely numb and send me on my way almost.

The Facebook group thing gave me the fear! Too many people knowing all the ins and outs of my life with no professional ethics on keeping it to themselves if that makes sense?

Could anyone recommend any books? I might be able to get my hands on some through the library?

Google low cost counselling in your area. Some places offer free sessions.

PM me if you don't have any luck.

definitely go to the GP and say you are breaking down inside and you need some mental support. They may give you a questionnaire to complete - you need to put down on it that you're at the worst levels or at least really high - for them to take you seriously and offer you anything. Because waiting lists are high you need to score high enough to be offered it.

Also see if there are women's domestic violence charities local to you as they may have some services you can access free of charge given you left an abusive relationship.

I feel for you as that's a miserable childhood to have gone through.
To try and make sense of it,see if the library has a book called "will I ever be good enough" by karyl Mcbride

The father you described is completely abusive and when we've grown up in that environment,it may not seem abusive as it's our normal,but I can assure you,yours was

You've clearly got to a stage where it's all become too much ,so sign up to support groups that are free such as Thrive against abuse on FB?

Wishing you the best and things will get better

Xx

Some great advice on here, where in the Uk are you?

Google nah self referral for counseling . You don’t always have to be referred by a gp

Ignore the random “ nah”

Ah i see what i did there nah is mean to say nhs !!!

Facepalm

Look at Kain Ramsay’s CBT practitioner’s course on Udemy. It’s regularly on offer for around £13 but don’t be put off by the low price - there’s about 30 hours of videos, work books and self assessment sheets. He’s very pragmatic, realistic and relatable.

Thank you everyone for not just telling me to get a grip!

It's very strange in my head regarding my father, he was the fun parent too weirdly. I think if I take dad out of it and look at it I can see that there were abusive things going on but cannot attach the label "abusive" to either of my parents. I think in dad's case particularly he was just following in the footsteps of his dad but toned down a lot! So I think maybe he was just doing the best he could?

I've googled low cost counselling and emailed a couple of therapists - feel really really cheeky asking if anyone does free sessions, but I've done it. Hopefully someone will get back to me.

Thank you clumsy the nah gave me a giggle in an otherwise quite sad moment.

And thank you maxabella I'll have a look into that book!

There is a womens aid in my area (North Scotland), I'll get in touch with them and see if they can help at all.

@LostConfusion I REALLY need to type slower and re read before I post ! Glad I made you smile good luck with everything

clumsy me too! At least I'm on the laptop rather than the smart phone which apparently hates me and frequently makes me look an idiot with auto correct!

Had a quick look at the blurb for the book "will I ever be good enough" and it seems to deal with narcissistic mothers and relationships with their daughters?

My mum is queen of the guilt trip but I really don't think she was/is a narcissist.

Do you have Children OP ??

wantocutdown No I have no children. I didn't want any till I met my EXH and then put them off because something never felt right and I couldn't put my finger on what - until I came here and realised it was because I was experiencing emotional abuse. I feel both very lucky to have realised and not had children and a little sad that I may not ever have them now.

The Tavistock in london offers free counselling if you're anywhere near them. Even if you're not they may be able to point you to other resources.

I got through everything (abuse, narcissistic relationships etc ) by consuming everything I could online. Read and read and read. Wrote things down. Did my own counselling.

Counselling is just listening, understanding and reflecting. You can do it

Given your history, I doubt CBT would help in the long term. It sounds like you need help to pick apart what happened to you and why your parents treated you the way they did. Your dad sounds awful. Psychodynamic or psychoanalytic therapy might be more of a good fit. Not widely available on the NHS but many therapists in private practice offer a sliding scale, so if you're not earning much, you don't pay much. Also, if you are living near any therapy training organisations, they often have low fee clinics. In London there's the British Psychotherapy foundation or Guild of Psychotherapists, lots more too.
I've been in therapy for a while now and honestly, it's probably saved my life. It's absolutely worth spending whatever you can.

Hope you got some sleep OP and some of the counselling options come back for you today

Completely understand your reluctance re church if not religious but I would never think you were taking advantage. We actually have lots of people come into the church building (when it's open!) just to be still or to chat through things they can't talk about to others.

What you have suffered is awful and there is no rhyme or reason - unfortunately some human beings are really not very nice sometimes and I'm sorry for what you've had to put up with