Nearly made a mistake

[Newnamenewopenme]

Me and my partner haven’t been getting along as much recently. We are going to go to counselling as there are a few long standing issues we can’t get passed, we are waiting until everything is back to normal instead of over zoom.

Friday night I went to the pub with a friend, after that we went back to here for her drinks with her flat mate and his friends. I was really drunk and was chatting to one of them for a couple of hours and came really close to kissing, my friend stepped in and caused a distraction- thank god! Instantly I realised I was being stupid. I don’t know how it happened, I’ve put it down to the fact we’ve been having issues and it was some positive attention (we’ve not had sex in a couple of months). I obviously regret it and am so glad nothing happened.

Since then it’s made me realise how much I love my partner and I do want to be with him. I have been doubting it recently. It’s also made me reflect and think of ways to improve what we have, planning and doing nice things together etc instead of just existing.

Selfishly I’m not going to tell him because I feel horrifically guilty and it will just make him feel bad too and probably end us - it’s impossible for me to feel worse. I don’t know why I’m posting this and I’m prepared for the nasty comments, has anyone else been in a similar situation?

We don’t have a lot of cash, what kind of activities can I plan for us to do together other than things such as going for walks.

You should tell him.
It's selfish not to. It allows him to make an informed decision. This isn't a nasty comment, I've been cheated on and forgiven. It's impossible to forgive someone for something if you don't know about it. It's also impossible to fix a problem unless you know the full extent of it.
Your relationship is both of yours, not for you alone. He needs to be given as much of a choice as you have. If you want things to work, you need to be honest.
And then take that communication and decide how you'd like to move forward, what activities you'd like to engage in.
TALK TO YOUR PARTNER

Not sure I agree with the poster above?
You didn’t actually kiss anyone.
Not sure that telling him you ‘nearly’ did is going to achieve anything other than make him feel insecure.
You don’t know for sure you would have kissed him if your friend hadn’t stepped jn, you might have stopped yourself.
It sounds like it was a wake up call for you that’s good.

You need to talk to him, you need to work on this together not seperately.
I don't know if you should mention the non kiss or not, nothing happened, thankfully.

But you do really need to work on improving things together, so start talking.

Poor you! Don't say a word. Nothing happened and so you're not guilty of any transgression.

I wouldn't say anything.
You've done nothing wrong- and it was a moment that gave you a bit of clarity in your situation. It may have been for the best!

It's a shame that it took you for you to almost kiss another to realise that you're in love with your partner.
What happens the next time you are going through a rough patch 🤷‍♀️

I'm not saying that you'll never forget what almost happened - but for me it would be always in the back of my mind and I wouldn't like that.

I would seriously think if this is the relationship for you, because if you were truly head over heels happy then it would have never happened.

As for low cost days out - get your walking shoes on, pack a sandwich and go for a long hike ;-)

@DiddlySquatty

Not sure I agree with the poster above? You didn’t actually kiss anyone. Not sure that telling him you ‘nearly’ did is going to achieve anything other than make him feel insecure. You don’t know for sure you would have kissed him if your friend hadn’t stepped jn, you might have stopped yourself. It sounds like it was a wake up call for you that’s good.

You didn't do anything. No confession needed.

I always love how when it's a woman cheating or almost cheating, mn is sure to say 'don't say a word, hide it'. Yet if a woman comes on here and a guy is even hiding texts from her, it's straight to 'ltb, he's going to cheat on you' etc. Double standards much? And let's not go to when he does cheat or almost cheats.

Would you be happy op if you found out from someone else that your partner almost kissed someone else and had to be stopped? He could find out from someone else, people talk, they gossip. Someone could tell him maliciously. He'll hate you a lot more then if he finds out from someone else.

Your choice, but a relationship is meant to be built on trust and honesty. Given how many people on here are happy to hide anything from their partner, it's no wonder relationships decline a lot.

You didn’t do anything so just forget it.
Move forward and put your energy into this relationship.
For me , sex is what makes a relationship so prioritise it - and it’s free !

don't tell him use it as a positive in realising what you have & making it better

Tell him what exactly? That you "nearly" kissed a random man? Not someone who you have been hankering after for months - just an almost stranger in a pub?

And as soon as your friend interrupted you, you stepped away and nothing happened? That you did not exchange numbers, and have not contacted or heard from him since?

Forget about it and instead sort out your relationship. There is nothing to be gained by telling him about something that did not happen. And he probably wouldn't believe nothing happened anyway - so I doubt it will improve your current situation.

As PP's said, nothing to confess as you didn't do anything.

Your friend is a good'un.

@KeepingPlain ... welcome to mumsnet 😂

A few things about “double standards on MN”:
There’s a difference consciously, deliberately and soberly pursuing/grooming someone for an affair, especially if there’s a power imbalance through work (this type of scenario, seems to me, to be quite commonly described onMN) and drunkenly being attracted to a stranger and @slmost kissing”.
It’s not great that it almost happened but it doesn’t have the cunning aspect that texting/sexting/hiding texts and so on does.
I don’t know OP if you should tell your partner. On the one hand, if you feel you can’t then maybe it’s not the relationship for you. On the other hand, I can understand the fear that you feel of losing the relationship (if which you’ve just been reminded of the significance it holds for you).
It would be an ideal world if none of us ever felt hurt or rejected by partners or never felt attracted to someone else (even fleetingly) but that’s not what happens in many, many cases.
I’m thinking you didn’t set out to be find someone else, you didn’t do anything other than feel like kissing them and you weren’t cruel to your partner before or after.
Personally I’d tell my partner/ partly because I know the next time I got drunk I’d tell him and that’s not the right way to do things!!!
Good luck OP

Sorry for the typos

OP, it's absolutely selfish and crazy to tell. If you tell, the only purpose it could possibly serve is to upset your DP over what exactly, something that didn't happen? You will feel like telling, but that's just your guilt gnawing and wanting absolution, which you won't get.
I would never want to know about something that didn't happen, there really is no point. I doubt most long term relationships have not involved at least some thoughts or daydreaming of the grass being greener, especially during rough times. You've got a good mate there, she had your back. Some good can come out of this in that you now realise what you have and will likely find it easier to try that bit harder to fix your issues.

I think I'd tell him.

In a nice calm btw this happened, I just wanted to let you know as I love and respect you way.

I'd be worried that it would eat me up somehow. And also that it would be thrown about in an argument and in an uncontrolled way. Also what if your friend let something slip and surely it's something that should come from you.

Nearly means it didn't happen.

@itsureis

Oh I know how it is. It's just ridiculous. I bet none of the above posters would tell a woman on here to get over it if they came on saying their partner almost kissed someone and then didn't tell them, the woman had to find out from a random person. Bet they wouldn't be so complimentary about the man then.

Tell him what? This thing that never happened? There nothing to tell. I don’t know why you feel guilty about nothing.... do you normally feel
Guilty about non things? I wouldn’t say anything at All tbh. What’s the point? What will it achieve? Who would it benefit?

Thanks everyone! I rang my friend today and as soon as she answered she apologised for the creepy boy - I asked what she meant and she said that I told him more than once I had a boyfriend and that’s when she intervened because she thought he was trying to take advantage, I’m not sure who’s account is more accurate- probably a blurred combination of both! I don’t normally drink and it would never normally cross my mind to even consider cheating on him, I’m really glad I didn’t. I’m not going to tell him because it won’t make me feel any better and it will make him upset and doubt my loyalty in future.

Another vote for don’t say anything. You didn’t do anything. There’s nothing to tell.