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Relationships

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Original poster

How to figure out where he's at without being too intense

18 replies

mybluehat · 02/08/2020 19:13

I'm in the early stages of seeing a guy, it's going well so far and we've had a few fun dates, but we haven't had any chats yet about our relationship history or what we're both looking for... I want to find out where he's at but I'm scared of coming on too strong as it's early days and definitely too soon to try to put a label on it.

I just don't want to get too invested and then find out he's only looking for something casual, but feel like it's hard to ask without sounding too intense. Appreciate this sounds a bit pathetic...

OP posts:

Sofasogood1 · 02/08/2020 19:21

How early? How many dates?

If you're at four months or whatever I'd just say, 'So I've been having lots of fun. I'm not seeing anyone else... I like you and I'd like this to be exclusive.' something like that??

If he reacts badly he's not the one for you.

If it's literally been three dates I would not expect commitment. But it would not be unreasonable to ask what he's looking for - just fun, or something long term.

Sofasogood1 · 02/08/2020 19:23

ps you are not pathetic. I know too many women who worry about being pathetic then end up being a doormat for men for months and months who clearly aren't into them because they were too much of a wuss to simply say 'so what's going on then?'

Original poster

mybluehat · 02/08/2020 19:27

Thank you! Yeah it's only been four dates so v early days which is why I'm keen to avoid sounding like I expect anything more official/serious at this stage - I'm still getting to know him too! But I would just like to understand his headspace a bit before investing a lot more time and energy into it. I've been burned before by men who are fresh out of a long term relationship and I don't want to be used as a rebound fling again.

OP posts:

Sofasogood1 · 02/08/2020 19:28

I think it's fine to ask what he's looking for. Doesn't need to be intense.

winterisstillcoming · 02/08/2020 19:36

I don't think it's too early to ask BUT if somebody asked me I'd be like I don't know yet let's see how it goes. Also it's too early to tell if he'd lie or just tell you what you want to hear to keep things going.

It's a bloody minefield.

I'd say ask if you trust him to give you an honest answer, and know what you want to do if the answer is not what you want to hear.

Original poster

mybluehat · 03/08/2020 08:53

Thanks - yes minefield is the right word! Wondering if it's worth even asking at this point or if I should wait a bit and see how things progress naturally.

OP posts:

seensome · 03/08/2020 09:03

His actions should indicate what he is looking for too, if he's making the effort to take you out on dates rather than inviting you over for sex then he's probably wanting a girlfriend rather than a fling, and he wouldn't want to rush a potential girlfriend into sleeping with him.
Also if he's the one to mostly initiate contact to arrange dates then he's very keen.

Menora · 03/08/2020 09:51

I think just making assumptions is a really bad way to go about this, it’s exactly how you get hurt. Saying nothing for fear of scaring him off is understandable but if he’s afraid of or dislikes adult discussion, then he is not the man for you.

No good relationship started off with lack of communication and assumptions. You do have to just bring it up with him and ask what he is looking for. It is a perfectly reasonable question!

ChristmasFluff · 03/08/2020 09:59

There's no reason to be getting invested after 4 dates. He's still a stranger - get to know him a bit more, after all, you may decide that you are the one who doesn't want to take it any further.

bangheadhere40 · 03/08/2020 10:03

Interested in replies, I'm at similar stage. I don't want to label things as too early but don't want to waste my time if the end goal isn't something decent.

updownroundandround · 03/08/2020 12:37

After only 4 dates I'd not be asking yet, but I'd be having the ''I want us to be exclusive'' chat BEFORE having sex. ( not everyone would, but it's important to me).

You need to decide when YOU need to know where the relationship is heading. What's important to YOU ?

When you know, simply tell him how you feel, and what you want from the relationship. It's up to him to tell you whether or not he thinks the same.

L8Bloomer · 03/08/2020 12:40

I will be told off for being old fashioned but if you haven't slept with him yet, don't. It really is the quickest way to find out if they value YOU or if they're just milling their way through all of the women who took the bait online.

I have about 5 years of OLD under my belt. I learnt the hard way.

L8Bloomer · 03/08/2020 12:42

Yes, as @updownroundandround says, have the ''This is what I want'' talk before you sleep together. He may fob you off with yeh yeh yeh, but you can read between the lines I think. The signs are always there.

You frame it like ''This is what I'm looking for. Can you give me what I"m looking for or should we both move on?'' be completely and utterly unapologetic for having YOUR OWN AGENDA in your approach to dating.

I did it all wrong to begin with.

L8Bloomer · 03/08/2020 12:43

@mybluehat

Thanks - yes minefield is the right word! Wondering if it's worth even asking at this point or if I should wait a bit and see how things progress naturally.

I wouldn't ask, but I might go away for the weekend, go to a friends, be unavailable. Just to put your mental breaks on. Make sure you centre yourself. De-invest.

Original poster

mybluehat · 03/08/2020 15:55

Thanks for the wise advice everyone, I will try and keep a level head and not get in too deep too soon! Hope your situation works out @bangheadhere40

OP posts:

rvby · 03/08/2020 16:41

I would just like to understand his headspace a bit before investing a lot more time and energy into it. just remember that his "headspace" makes zero difference to anything. What matters is compatibility and timing.

No matter what he answers, no matter if he is honest or lies or whatever, it will not save you from uncertainty or protect you from having your heart broken. He could be totally ready and very kind and honest, but still find himself incompatible with you.

I advise you to work on detaching yourself a bit and becoming self reliant above all things. It is a little worrying that at 4 dates in, you are looking to gauge the intentions of a total stranger in order to allay your anxieties about relationships and how to avoid potential pain. You should be looking within yourself and not trying to peer into the mind of someone you've just met.

ALittleBitConfused1 · 03/08/2020 20:08

I would simply ask if he was looking for a relationship or whether he just wanted casual. You're not asking whether he wants a relationship with you, of course he isnt going to know that 4 dates in, but in all honesty weve all had points in our life where we dont want anything serious anytime soon and then stages where we a looking for something more than casual. He would know which one is in his immediate list of wants. I'd want to know, nothing worse than allowing yourself to get emotionally invested with someone who has no intention of getting involved, who just isnt at that stage. It doesnt have to a serious conversation, it can be 5 minute chat.

Notcoolmum · 03/08/2020 21:17

Did you meet online? If so does he still have his profile? I always assume someone is actively looking/dating other people if they are still ok the site. You can usually tell if they are active or their location changes. But that might be harder with lockdown as we aren't going very far!!

If a man is keen to pin you down I find he will make jokes about whether you are still online and going on dates to try and suss you out.

After 4 dates I think it's fine to ask if he is dating other people. You can do that jokingly or seriously. As an woman in late 40s I have been quite direct and asked what they are looking for in a relationship and why past relationships Janet worked. I can still sometimes shy away from asking how they feel about me though.

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