Feeling hopeless and need help and hope from you all.

[Love2019]

Hi All,

I just wanted some words of hope.

I am almost 35 years old and have been single for just over 12 months. My fiancee walked out on me and left me a note 6 months before our wedding as he decided we weren't right together. Last year was the worst and most painful time of my life, trying to keep everything together after that happened however I got through it. He has since met someone else and seems happy.

I have been online dating for most of the time I have been single. I took a break after my split from my ex however I decided to try and meet someone as I really do enjoy being in a relationship. I have met lots of men, I don't have trouble matching with them online. My friends say I am attractive and I have a good job, my own home, own car, nice friends and a good family. I would say I am loyal, caring, kind and loving. I asked my friend to describe me yesterday in three words and she said 'vibrant, intelligent and beautiful'. I work out regularly and have a good figure. I often get told I look around ten years younger than my real age. I feel that I present as confident and happy.

I was enjoying the process of being single and going on dates and not having anyone to answer to initially however I am now wanting to meet someone and have something serious and I am struggling.

I have dated some guys for a period of months, I have been ghosted, bread crumbed and lied to. I have slept with more men in the past 12 months than I did before I hit the age of 33. I have met some nice guys who have not been for me. I have also met guys I have liked and they haven't wanted anything serious or I was not the person for them. I am not being too picky but given my position, I do have standards. I'd like them to have a job that they love and some ambition and I need to find them attractive and I want them to be kind, considerate and want the same things as me.

My dream has always been to be a mother. I feel like it has been taken away from me. All my friends are married with children and some are in long term relationships.

I have done some travelling over this past 12 months, I have decorated my home, I go to the gym most days, I have focused on friends and family and my work. I have actively dated men that wouldn't be my usual 'type' but whatever I do, I cannot seem to find anyone.

I really want to meet someone to share my life with. To travel with and have a family. I have no idea what I am doing wrong. I have read numerous books about dating and about self esteem and anxiety. I have been to counselling. I meditate, do yoga, and I take a small dose of ant depressants. I genuinely don't think I am coming across in any way on dates other than confident and self assured. I am very aware of not coming across like I 'need' a relationship but that I would like one.

I have got to the point now where I feel so anxious and worried about the future that I can't sleep. Waking up and going to bed alone every day as well as working from home at the moment isn't helping at all. I feel that if this goes on any longer then I will hit rock bottom.

I hate to admit it but at times I have just wished that I wasn't here anymore but I know how much it would hurt my friends and family if I weren't. I talk to people about how I feel but they don't understand. They are supportive but they are mostly settled. They also cannot believe that I am on my own as I have so much to offer.

Is it just me that has these difficulties meeting someone? Is it really this hard to find a connection? I find connections but then the men don't want anything long term. They aren't sure they want a relationship or they seem like they just aren't ready.

I have actually tallied it up and in 12 months I have dated 26 men. Some longer than 1 date, some for a few months and some only for one date. Some I spoke to for weeks and never met up with.

Has anyone had success with online dating? Did anyone else ever feel that they wouldn't meet anyone and then did?

I feel utterly exasperated. How can it be this hard?

Didn't want to read and run but there's lots of these types of posts at the moment so you're not alone.

Unfortunately, Covid is making the chances of meeting anybody even worse and online dating absolutely sucks in my opinion, although there are lots of positive stories out there.

I was I had the answer, I'm sure it'll happen at some point, everything you're doing sounds positive!

Thanks for your response. I just feel utterly hopeless. I feel like I've got to a point where I feel so sad and lonely.

I understand, and am feeling the same. Hopefully somebody will be along to offer us some words of wisdom!

Having the man you thought you were going to be with for good walk out on you so suddenly must have been profoundly shocking. I wonder if you are still working through some grief over this? Dating means lots of chances some badly behaved males will ghost you and repeat the abandonment you experienced before. How about a break from dating and possibly talking to a counsellor before trying to get back into a relationship?

I'm sorry to say this and I know you feel under pressure because of time/age, but I do think you haven't given yourself time to get over something as huge as your fiancé leaving.

I speak from some experience as I began hooking up with men just a year after my husband died. This really was very early in itself. I am still not ready for an actual relationship and it's now 2.5 years in total. I do sort of have a couple of things on the go but neither is in the slightest bit serious. That's easier because I'm not looking for a partner.

I'm not going to tell you that you will meet someone when you least expect it - that may not happen. But I do think you need to give yourself a chance.

Looking back, I met dh because several single friends all banded together and we had a dinner where we each brought a single man. I can't tell you the resulting relationship was easy! but I did get what I wanted, which was a lovely partner and we had a child together. Could socialising generally be helpful?

@Craftycorvid

Yes, this is exactly how I feel. When I get ghosted, I think it brings back the feelings I had when he left me. I feel deep down that everyone will leave. It causes me so much anxiety. I am starting counselling soon, I am hoping this will help. Thanks for your words.

I was early thirties, chronically single, felt like Bridget jones without the career and london flat. Then I decided to just completely do what I wanted.
I moved country to earn loads of money and bought myself a house. It was really freeing, almost like letting go (a bit cheesy but you get me). As soon as I got to the new country I met my now DP. The thing that made the difference with him was that I’d genuinely made peace with myself and being single before I met him. I told him early on I didn’t need him and meant it (that’s a top tip trust me). We’ve been together about 4 years now. I genuinely believe that there’s no point looking for someone unless you’re really happy being single, as annoying as that will sound right now. But don’t blame yourself if you haven’t found anyone right yet, it’s really all just luck.

@Regretsy

Thanks for your message. Maybe I too will find someone when I least expect. To be honest, I've almost given up on the online dating as they all just seem like they are after one thing or don't want commitment.

Have you thought about older guys? 40-50? I wonder if the problem is a result of them being in their 30s and not compelled to settle down. Or maybe try sites for specific interests or for more serious daters. You might have to fork out but it might pay off. Finally, can you get involved in things? Not easy at present I know but volunteering at Park Runs (if that's your thing) or a walking group - or something else - might put expose you to likeminded people. X

@Love2019 I know how frustrating it is, it’s just basically shitty and unfair. Having thought about this more, I really think it’s all down to luck! And the only way to stay sane is to try and be happy alone. Also rest assured I regularly want to kill my DP and it’s not all roses and rainbows!

This could have been me 18 months ago. I was in your shoes and fed up with reading messages on MN that it gets better as it didn’t seem to be! I slept with too many men I dated and went on many dates, dalliances and a few slightly longer relationships. @Regretsy is so right. As soon as you reconcile with being single it’s much easier. And bam! You end up finding Mr Right. It really does get better.

I should have meant that I found my DP.... it’s that cliche of ‘it does happen when you’re least expecting it’!

@PornStarOvaltini

Have you thought about older guys? 40-50? I wonder if the problem is a result of them being in their 30s and not compelled to settle down. Or maybe try sites for specific interests or for more serious daters. You might have to fork out but it might pay off. Finally, can you get involved in things? Not easy at present I know but volunteering at Park Runs (if that's your thing) or a walking group - or something else - might put expose you to likeminded people. X

I see where you're coming from but according to statistics I saw a while ago, the larger the age gap the bigger change the relationship will fail. The optimum age gap for success is up to two years, even though there are many long term couples that don't fit that of course!

Also, I'd be very wary of men who are a decade or more older. Many men seem to want or think they deserve a young thing on their arm....until the next young thing turns their head.

If vibrant, intelligent and beautiful is how you're described, then that's a killer combination! I wonder if some of these men are intimidated by you or think they're not going to be good enough for you so they end things prematurely before you end it with them? Just a thought.

Yes, like many have pointed out here, you can go round & round doing therapy, working on self-esteem, but without knowing you in person, no one here knows how ready you are, or not for another relationship and so people's advice for you to work on yourself may not be very applicable here.

Sometimes, I really think it's just pure luck. It's about making sure you plough on and try to make your single life as enjoyable for you as possible whilst you look for your life partner. Online dating does seem shit. Which websites or apps have you tried so far. If you're on Tinder, I wouldn't expect much from it if I were you. You hear stories of people meeting their husband or wife on there, but for most women, I think it's an unsafe pit of rubbish men.

I am in a really shitty stage of my life too. It's hard

I'm so sorry to hear you feel that way.
I'm 29 and i've met somebody kind and serious after 7 years of bad experiences. I felt exactly the same as you do.
I do believe there is somebody out there for everyone.
No point sprouting all the clichés at you, just wanted you to know you are not alone and that you are loved.

Thanks to everyone for their lovely replies. I really appreciate you all taking the time to give advice and be kind x