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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

feeling hurt and angry at husband

19 replies

hawaiidream · 02/08/2020 15:23

this is my first post ,so here goes, been married to dh for 33 years and have 3 grown up dc 2 years ago he got his work pension early (55) we planned our future and dreams to go travelling . well around janunary this year he would start saying hes going the shop and be gone for 4-5 hrs when he came back he just said he needed some space this happened nearly every day . after a lot of talking and telling me he loves me and would never want another woman i forgave him and we started a fresh. then around march time i picked his phone up and there was a message he had only been on chatlines ( like reading 50 shades of grey), i went crazy through him out, the following day he came back all sorry made a mistake never happen again he was just bored and wanted to fantasize as we havent had sex for 3 years as he has erection problems like a fool i forgave him again , he said he wanted to be honest and clear the air he said he had the opportunity to have an affair years ago with a work colleague but couldnt as he loved me so much then he started to tell me about the sex he had with an ex. hes my first love so ive got nothing to compare him too . couldnt believe it when this week checking the bank statement and found all his pension has gone plus £2000 overdrawn when i asked him where the money had gone he just said i dont know and stop nagging i late found he has spent thousands of it on chatlines and porn sites .he want talk as he says talking solves nothing and the money has gone so lets move on hes a joke. well as ime writing this hes at the pub cause i nag to much

OP posts:
AttilaTheMeerkat · 02/08/2020 15:27

Do not take him back yet again, he is not worthy of you.

I would be planning a divorce from him, that is how you move on here. Rebuild your life without him in it.

Ryah76 · 02/08/2020 15:41

Wow, that’s a lot to digest here. Firstly, I think you need to put some space between you and hubs. Ask him to leave the house for a few days, I know this may not be the easiest given Covid restrictions but you will not be able to think clearly while you’re sharing the same home. This is a big betrayal of your trust, his actions will impact on your future, both emotionally and possibly financially. Having a few days without hubs around will allow you to think about what you want to next.

HollowTalk · 02/08/2020 15:46

Do you mean his pension lump sum has gone?

Tappering · 02/08/2020 15:55

Divorce. He's unfaithful, a liar and has literally pissed and spaffed his retirement funds away.

I would be in a solicitor's office first thing tomorrow morning.

BumbleBeee69 · 02/08/2020 15:59

wall away... this has to be the end OP... Flowers

hawaiidream · 02/08/2020 16:16

hollow talk

yes he has spent the lot plus £2000 overdraft
he said not all gone on chatlines

OP posts:
CD28 · 02/08/2020 16:23

Whilst not exactly the same circumstances but similar, my mum and dad split up after 31 years of marriage and my mum thought she'd never be happy again. Well 3.5 years later she is a different woman and I admire her so much for it. I now look at my dad and think he's just a bit of a loser (I still love him but he was sh** to my mum!).

Personally I would let him go, you can be happy on your own or with someone who wouldn't do that to you!

hawaiidream · 02/08/2020 16:30

thankyou cd28 i still love him but hate him at the same time i cannot believe he could lie to me just because he is ashamed of what hes done
x

OP posts:
Tappering · 02/08/2020 16:31

Have you got a job/income/pension of your own OP? Can you manage financially if you leave him?

hawaiidream · 02/08/2020 16:35

i dont have a job accident at work 3 years ago and still in lots of pain so work let me go plus no pension ,but have got some savings . dc all grown up so would get by

OP posts:
namechange12a · 02/08/2020 16:38

I don't understand OP. He was gone for four or five hours doing what? Masturbating in the street to chat lines? Where was he going? You forgave him for what?

He then spent tens of thousands on chat lines? Porn is free OP, he doesn't have to pay for it unless it's specialised stuff (or he's stupid). Does he mean web cams? Where women perform for money privately?

Are you supposed to be grateful he didn't have an affair?

When you bring up the thousands of pounds gone, he's buggered off to the pub because you 'nag'.

OP my blood pressure is rising just reading your post and I'm afraid I'd drop kick him from the front door.

He sounds like a sleazy piece of crap.

VettiyaIruken · 02/08/2020 16:42

He can't get at your savings can he? Because it sounds like if he could get at them, he would.

Are you now supposed to financially support him?

hawaiidream · 02/08/2020 16:44

no he carnt get at my money thankgod .he pays all the bills not behind on anything

OP posts:
Tappering · 02/08/2020 17:48

But if he's spent all his pension, how is he paying the bills? And how does he expect to live, if you cannot work?

I would seriously go and get legal advice in your situation.

BumbleBeee69 · 02/08/2020 17:51

OP it doesn't really matter where the money went.. the fact is it is gone.. and he cannot be trusted...

You need to protect yourself now Flowers

monkeymonkey2010 · 02/08/2020 19:23

he's been planning on leaving you and has hidden his money.....and has probably been spending it on whoever he's been meeting up with in those 'missing' hours...maybe hotel rooms....

Luaa · 02/08/2020 19:27

Where was he going for 4-5 hours at a time?
How much was his pension lump sum? Does he still also get regular pension payments? I think you can get a lump sum and ongoing payments, but beyond paying into my pension I don't know much about them.
If it's a significant amount of money I'd probably leave. If it's not then I'd say he of doesn't talk to me about what's going on then I'd leave.

LaurieFairyCake · 02/08/2020 21:23

How much was the lump sum Shock

Obviously you can't move on until you know if he spent it on prostituted women or gambling ?

bakedoff · 02/08/2020 21:38

How much has he spent? I second a previous poster who has said he’s moved the money out. Can you see where it’s gone?

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