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Original poster

Good relationship- why am I not happy

47 replies

al281 · 02/08/2020 12:30

Me and my now partner started dating end of feb. We broke up a couple months later and have since got back together. During the break up, he was an absolute dick. We were still sleeping together but he would long me off, ignore messages, lie to me, prioritise friends and just leave me stringing along. I got pregnant by him and had a miscarriage a few days after a faint positive test. He refused to come over and stay with me and comfort me as he couldn't leave his house but decided to go meet friends and convinced me he was dating on of them. It broke me. I ended up getting drunk and sleeping with someone else- (when my daughter was at her dads) I had given up trying with him ( we were still not together) I told him about this. We spoke about all the mistakes and I told him I was leaving I didn't want to wait around for him anymore. Since then he's like a new person he's sweet, and supportive, he asked me to be with him. I agreed. It's a good relationship now- he's amazing Role model to my little girl( he always had been// but a different person when he's not around her). Things are good atm but I'm so stressed and keep feeling like it's forced. I don't know how to move forward from here. Any advice would be greatly appreciated

OP posts:
MoreListeningLessChatting · 02/08/2020 20:33

He sounds a total loser. It sounds like it was a poor 'relationship' and doomed from the start.

Both of you sound like you need to sort yourselves out separately. Concentrate on the child, be single and perhaps look for happiness in yourself first.

Toohardtofindaproperusername · 02/08/2020 20:40

I read the title of your post. I read a fair few lines of your post ..... and despair.

Original poster
al281 · 02/08/2020 22:25

If you deeply care for/ love a person, don't they deserve another chance if they're showing positive changes to themselves and there life's?

OP posts:
Gobb · 02/08/2020 22:28

The thing is, if you really loved him and it was all good you wouldn't be here asking. You said you were stressed. Trust your own feelings.

Prettybluepigeons · 02/08/2020 23:14

How can you deeply love someone when in the space of five months you've been together, broken up, slept with someone else etc?
Its teenage nonsense! And you are not a kid anymore you're a grown woman and need to start living like an adult and not a daft kid.

category12 · 03/08/2020 07:19

If you want to pursue it, and it sounds like you do/are going to, then take it slowly..
Do not move in together for at least a year, preferably two.
Make sure his actions match his words.
If he lets you down, don't keep giving chances.
If you see the callous side of him again, don't keep giving chances.

category12 · 03/08/2020 07:26

He may offer/push for commitment, like living together (or even offer marriage etc) and that can seem brilliant, exciting and proof he cares, and all you ever wanted.

But it is not, it's a shortcut, instead of earning your trust back, it sidesteps it and fast-forwards.

Take it slow. Enjoy dating and the fun parts of being with someone, do not rush to wash his socks and domestic life. You have all the time in the world. Make sure it's right.

KatherineJaneway · 03/08/2020 07:29

@Lacey2019

I can’t see this as a healthy relationship, I’m sorry
Totally agree
Thisisworsethananticpated · 03/08/2020 07:29

I suspect you are not happy because your gut is more sensible than your head ! Your gut is telling you he is a bad un. You may have known him for many years and you May well have feelings for him
But this Much shit in this short a time is TOXIC ! It’s not healthy and it’s not happy
Surely being calm and stable with your little one is better than this angst
For what ?
Some dick (sorry to be crude ) and to feel desired ?

Explore staying single , and try and enjoy being on your own a bit
Easy for me to say , I’m a lot
Older than you and learnt the hard way

jessstan2 · 03/08/2020 07:30

@Prettybluepigeons

So in five months- all iof which have been during lockdown when you were not meant to be mixing, you have got together with this person, broken up with them, got pregnant, miscarried, got back together? And you've slept with someone else?

And you already have a child?

My advice is to grow up. Concentrate on parenting the child you have.

That!
Etinox · 03/08/2020 07:30

@al281

If you deeply care for/ love a person, don't they deserve another chance if they're showing positive changes to themselves and there life's?
No.
jessstan2 · 03/08/2020 07:32

@al281

If you deeply care for/ love a person, don't they deserve another chance if they're showing positive changes to themselves and there life's?
their lives

Yes, maybe, if you have a longstanding relationship, not a five minute one during which lies, infidelity and an unplanned pregnancy occurred with one party already having a child.

KatySun · 03/08/2020 07:33

I think you are not happy because what has happened in the last five months has been traumatic and violated your trust in this man, and your brain and body know this, no matter how sweet and supportive he might be being now.

You let this man into your family life, which was a great privilege and act of trust. He then basically shat all over that by treating you appallingly. How long do you think he will keep up the Mr Nice act at the moment? The point is you do not know, which is why you are anxious and stressed. It feels forced because underneath the current sweetness and light you feel enormously let down with him and angry (and if you don’t you should!).

Why, why, why would you continue in this position of being unsure which is the real him, and masking your own feelings? Don’t you think you deserve better? You are very young, little older than my own DD and yet you have raised a child to school age already. You have plans for your own future. So you don’t actually need him but you are in danger of getting stuck in a very unhealthy dynamic where you don’t ever actually know when he is going to kick off again.

category12 is right - trust has to be earned, slowly and over time. Short-cutting that will lead to misery and this man has already violated your trust.

LunaNorth · 03/08/2020 07:38

Is this man older than you, OP?

TwilightPeace · 03/08/2020 07:55

How could anyone be happy after 5 months of shit? What a mess.
Try being on your own OP and work on raising your standards. Maybe re-think what ‘love’ is and what a healthy loving relationship looks like.

Treacletoots · 03/08/2020 08:07

No OP. You and your child deserve a life without all this horrible toxic behaviour. Your ex is clearly bullshitting and gaslighting you.

You are so so young. I also was in an abusive relationship at your age. It took me 5 years to escape. Please please don't go back. You have a great job, a beautiful daughter who loves you what else do you need?

Certainly NOT someone who does not love you. If he did he would not treat you like this. Flowers

Original poster
al281 · 03/08/2020 13:01

I've looked up gaslighting. It's so hard to leave when he's being continuously nice and assuring me he's here for me& loves me and is so good with my little one etc. It isn't as easily done as is said. But I see the signs.

OP posts:
KatherineJaneway · 04/08/2020 07:29

@al281

I've looked up gaslighting. It's so hard to leave when he's being continuously nice and assuring me he's here for me& loves me and is so good with my little one etc. It isn't as easily done as is said. But I see the signs.
I got pregnant by him and had a miscarriage a few days after a faint positive test. He refused to come over and stay with me and comfort me as he couldn't leave his house but decided to go meet friends and convinced me he was dating on of them. It broke me.

This is a huge sign.

You need to end it OP Flowers

Thehorrorthehorror · 04/08/2020 07:35

OP, what’s concerning is that you think this is a ‘good relationship’. It isn’t. It’s a car crash.

hammie46i · 04/08/2020 07:39

This is NOT a good relationship. No wonder you're not happy.

hammie46i · 04/08/2020 07:40

@KatySun

I think you are not happy because what has happened in the last five months has been traumatic and violated your trust in this man, and your brain and body know this, no matter how sweet and supportive he might be being now.

You let this man into your family life, which was a great privilege and act of trust. He then basically shat all over that by treating you appallingly. How long do you think he will keep up the Mr Nice act at the moment? The point is you do not know, which is why you are anxious and stressed. It feels forced because underneath the current sweetness and light you feel enormously let down with him and angry (and if you don’t you should!).

Why, why, why would you continue in this position of being unsure which is the real him, and masking your own feelings? Don’t you think you deserve better? You are very young, little older than my own DD and yet you have raised a child to school age already. You have plans for your own future. So you don’t actually need him but you are in danger of getting stuck in a very unhealthy dynamic where you don’t ever actually know when he is going to kick off again.

category12 is right - trust has to be earned, slowly and over time. Short-cutting that will lead to misery and this man has already violated your trust.

^

This.

Wondersense · 04/08/2020 08:49

Don't judge someone just on what they're like with what they're interested in (you). Judge someone based on how they handle conflict, rejection and how they treat people they don't like.

Thus will be the treatment you'll be subjected to if you ever have kids with him and you split up.

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