staying together for the sake of your child, did it work for you?

[nicenenough]

Man here and at a crossroads situation l. I have a lovely partner, she’s great with our little one, good fun and easy going. We’d not been together long before we had little one and things just carried on from there.

My son is now 18 months and while I am happy, I don’t think I can say I am in love with my partner. I like her, but we have a few different interests, she likes a good drink, I don’t. She’s not as academic as me and so sometimes I don’t feel I get as much out of the relationship as I could. She is a great person though and I know she is happy with what we have.

My sister is married and very in love and I can’t help compare that we don’t really have that. In truth we wouldn’t have been a couple if she hadn’t become pregnant. I feel like a shit person if I end it and obviously it will mean sharing contact with my son which I always wanted to avoid.

Rumble on and be happy with what I’ve got? 35 for context, she’s 38.

The feeling you have now will keep coming back. It’s a tough decision though. You have to be prepared for all that comes after, including her meeting someone else, possibly remarrying and that person being a major part of your child’s life especially as they are so young. It’s a tough one but if you have never had that feeling then it’s unlikely to come.

Cloudy - I do get on with her and we had a fling. It was fun and she is lovely, family like her and my friends. I can tell they are waiting on us having another or getting married.

I’m not in love although I care for her a lot. The worst thing for me would be being apart from son I think

I stayed with my husband until my kids were 12 and 10, that was largely because he was a great father and I didn't want my kids to be without him as they loved him so much. He was very good to me too and was my best friend but like you I felt like something important was missing.

Fast forward 8 years we still get on and get on very well, had the birthday meals for the kids with his current partners etc..

I haven't had a long term relationship since him and it's not from want of trying I find myself comparing men to him. I just have never found what I was looking for and do question whether the grass was actually greener.

I also got pregnant 6 weeks after we started dating

We'll, you both deserve to be happy. It is my personal opinion that in long term relationships feelings of "being in love" ebb and flow. There are times when I have warm, find feelings to my husband but am not wildly in love, and other times when I am so in love with him I think my heart could burst. And I am sure he feels the same.

So I would be wary of ending a loving long-standing marriage just because you are in a normal time of low excitement. Have you tried relationship counselling or marriage therapy?

But if you are sure that you will never love her again and you think your life would be happier and healthier apart, then you need to own that and be prepared for the consequences. She might not agree - she might be as happy as Larry, loving her life and thinking that she has a great marriage. She might be devastated to find you want out. She might be completely blindsided by all this. And she is more than likely going to be very very hurt. So be as kind as possible. Don't dick her about, don't start another relationship straight away, don't be selfish. Don't let your child down. Be honest with both yourself and with her.

I've been with DH for 19 years, I'd say there was definitely a point in our marriage, about 8/9 years ago, where we stayed together for the sake of DC.

We're both glad we did, life in general and DC got easier, and our relationship at the moment is probably the best it's ever been.

The difference though is that we were in love from the start, and for you, that love has never been there.

Veedubber

Yeah that's the thing...I was never 'in love' with my husband ...the love grew over time and seeing him with our newborn daughter made me so happy...but the longing for something more never changed

I do sometimes wonder now our kids have grown up whether I would be happy as I would have had a better life as he has a good job and is still attractive

I’m going to get flamed for saying this, but whenever I read posts like this I wonder if the pregnancy really was an “accident” - yes condoms break & people can be on antibiotics they didn’t realise would render the pill ineffective, but true accidents ?

If you had been in love & going through a lull after baby changed the relationship I would be saying work on it. If you were complaining about a lack of sex, id be asking how much housework you do.

But when you say you had a fling with a girl & got “whoopsied” (as the childfree community refer to it as) then you’ve given it a go. But if it was never there to begin with, you can’t force love...

When people stay together for the children just remember children grow up & leave home. Then at an older age you’re left alone with your partner. So you need to be content with your choice. Children are not going to thank you for martyring yourself & sacrificing your happiness for them.

Maybe this is enough for you. Maybe it’s not. It sounds ok. Are you content with ok? Some people are! A lot of people settle & are ok with that. Maybe if you need intellectual stimulation you should seek out colleagues, mates, uni pals to chat academia with.

I know as someone who is not exactly academic but well educated I do love a tradie blue collar bloke... as long as they are quick witted & good conversationalist & make me laugh. Opposites can & do attract.

Why does your partner need to intellectually stimulate you? Sometimes I like to come home & not have to think about the worries of the world, or be so serious with someone debating heavy topics.

@fortunacookie probably not if the first thing you mention about him is his good job.

Tricky one, if you decide to leave who’s to say you’ll find the one that gives you that bit more, as another poster said grass is always greener.

I’m married second time around and have a child from previous, blended families are a whole other level of tricky. You got to be able to be prepared for all the ups and downs that come with it

Your life sounds decent other than a lack of love but could you maybe do some date nights and feel it out if you could be in love with her? Give it one hard last shot before you decide

I agree with @vikingwife.

It sounds to me like your partner wanted a child, could feel her biological clock ticking, and either deliberately "had an accident" or just wasn't as careful with contraception as she would have been otherwise.

It sounds like you're more educated than her and have a better job.

If I were you I wouldn't be able to shake the suspicion that you'd been taken advantage of.

If you stay, you'll probably eventually meet someone you fall in love with, and will either have to dump your partner then, or will have an affair - which will make things even more messy.

So I'd leave her now, try to get 50/50 time with your child, and spend your child-free time trying to find someone you actually love.

Whatever you do....don't get married.

The reality is that you will split up at some point, just a matter of time. You also need to decide about more children as inevitably she will want another..Do you use condoms to be sure? If so she will re is an issue.

It is difficult but in reality you will probably regret staying.

One day, if you don't leave now, you'll meet someone you do click with completely. Do you leave then, or try to stay and have an affair?

Its only going to get more complicated