Struggling with emotional abuse

[Newmum2018aug]

I have been with my partner for 4 years and we have a son together. Never once has he actually physically laid hands on me i just want to make that clear.

Just recently ive come to realise how emotionally abusive he is. I find myself constantly panicking and walking on egg shells around him. Because i dont work he expects all tasks and housework to be done and if they arent he shouts abuse at me calling me a tramp and other words i dont care to repeat. Just yesterday i hadnt got round to washing the towels like i do every few days and he was shouting abuse at me calling me a lazy tramp, other words and that hes going to tell his mum how dirty i am (she has ocd clean.) My house is clean but i dont go around cleaning things 10 times a day like she does. He loves to constantly tell me how great his mum was at getting everything done was and makes me feel lesser than her.
He also tells me that he doesnt really want to be here he only stays for our son.
He treats me like a slave, he will eat off a plate then just leave it and says to me things like the bins full when are you taking it out, or our sons nappy needs changing etc.

Im honestly so fed up and so drained by him. Hes such a negative energy to be around but I worry how I would financially survive without him and he knows that.

I know im going to get a lot of comments to leave him, and i know i should. But as you all know its very hard to get the confidence to leave after someone has broke you down like he has. I was just looking for some advice or if anyone has been through anything similar.

Eugh what a horror of a so called man

Your only choice is to leave

No amount of anything will change him

Get out and save yourself and your child, if not for you then for your child

I know i feel i need to get my son away from him, i dont want him to grow up thinking this is normal and end up with the same views as him. I have spoke to my partners mum a couple of times and she has told me that his dad was exactly the same so its learnt behaviour.

How old is your LO and do you have any family/friends who could support you? I had a similar situation after DD was born with EA (although refusal to help and aggression if things weren't to his liking) and as I couldn't leave but also wasn't overly fussed about the relationship breaking down I set about a campaign of change. You know you should leave and that should be your priority but some of these things may help you in the interim. Firstly I went back to work (3 days - DD was 10 months) to redress the balance and although it was hard it gave me more independence and my own money. I also started therapy and read everything I could on abuse especially lundy bancroft. I tried to talk about what was happening (labelling it as abuse where appropriate) to friends and family which really helped me see who my allies were. PIL for example excuse DHs behaviour constantly and after an incident where he hit me (only once) just talked about how upset DH was. They are not allies. A couple of my friends have been fantastic. I have started to build a life whether I leave or not with a new business, a job, a social life and financial independence, and I pull DH up on abuse every single time. I would warn against staying as its pretty shit, I never feel relaxed and can't forgive what has happened in the past.

@blackcat86

How old is your LO and do you have any family/friends who could support you? I had a similar situation after DD was born with EA (although refusal to help and aggression if things weren't to his liking) and as I couldn't leave but also wasn't overly fussed about the relationship breaking down I set about a campaign of change. You know you should leave and that should be your priority but some of these things may help you in the interim. Firstly I went back to work (3 days - DD was 10 months) to redress the balance and although it was hard it gave me more independence and my own money. I also started therapy and read everything I could on abuse especially lundy bancroft. I tried to talk about what was happening (labelling it as abuse where appropriate) to friends and family which really helped me see who my allies were. PIL for example excuse DHs behaviour constantly and after an incident where he hit me (only once) just talked about how upset DH was. They are not allies. A couple of my friends have been fantastic. I have started to build a life whether I leave or not with a new business, a job, a social life and financial independence, and I pull DH up on abuse every single time. I would warn against staying as its pretty shit, I never feel relaxed and can't forgive what has happened in the past.

My son is just about to turn 2. I feel so guilty as he loves my other half a lot but he isnt talking yet so hes probably not understanding whats going on. I also never shout back as i dont want him being afraid. I think i need to do the same as you and start putting things in place for me to be in a position to leave. If i went back to work it would help. I was working full time before i had my son. I feel like over the past few years my partner has been working to get me where he wants me, convincing me to leave my job after my maternity leave finished etc. I do want to talk to people about it but i feel people alienate you if you say whats going on at home as they cant get their heads around why you wont just leave.

Thank you for the advice though i definitely need to start getting myself sorted to be able to get out of the situation.

Please try to get out before your son gets older and sees his behaviour towards you. It is very bad and will damage him. You need to make plans to leave, anything would be preferable to this.

There's a good book by Lundy Bancroft called 'why does he do that?' about abusive men. www.docdroid.net/py03/why-does-he-do-that-pdf

It gave me the strength to leave my abusive relationship. In that book, he says that it takes the average woman 7 attempts to leave her abusive relationship. Doesn't mean you won't succeed on the first time, but you have to start making steps in that direction.

@hammie46i

Please try to get out before your son gets older and sees his behaviour towards you. It is very bad and will damage him. You need to make plans to leave, anything would be preferable to this.

Yeah thats what im worried about. Im also worried about what would happen after i left, my son loves his dad a lot and i wouldnt want to stop them seeing each other but what happens when he gets a new partner and my son sees his behaviour because im 100% sure he will never change so his next partner will experience the same. I also dont like the thought of my son staying with him without me as i cant be sure of whats coming out of his mouth and to who. Its all just a massive mess and im unsure of how to handle things.

At least if your partner was abusing another woman and your son saw it, it would teach him bad habits, but you could at least teach him to respect women, and that might undo what he is learning at his dad's. Could you start recording the emotionally abusive outbursts from your partner and attempt to restrict his custody after you split. I don't have expertise in this area so not sure how it works.

I also think if you got away and were no longer the one being abused, your son would benefit in lots of ways. He'd have a happier, more confident mum, and that'd be good for him. It's not ideal for your son to see any woman being emotionally abused, but it's probably the least ideal scenario for that woman to be you.