Is there any going back?

[RWilson93]

I was with an amazing guy for the past 8 years. We met at university and had so many happy years during and after this. I thought he was the perfect guy and couldn't fault him at all. I was head over heels and was convinced this was the guy I would spent the rest of my life with. I am originally from Southend but have never really had any specific ties to a certain place. He was from Liverpool. We had a couple of years darting around building our careers being 20-something year olds. Then when we were both 25 we moved back to Liverpool. He started working for the family business and everything changed. He changed into a completely different character and the control/emotional manipulation his parents put on him became so obvious. He was completely immune to it and couldn't see it - both of his parents are narcissists. I spent so long trying to bring back the person I originally met but it just got worse and worse. We bought a house in hope that things would get better and the more this control continued the more suffocated and homesick I became. We had so many discussions about this but nothing changed as he had so many benefits and a good salary working in the family company.
I became so depressed as I felt that he was putting his families needs over mine - not in a maliscious way however he is such a people pleaser and I figured I was easier to upset than him family.
During this time I was offered my dream job down in London that I had tried to chase up North for years.

At the start of lockdown I ran home without explanation. I couldn't take it anymore and felt so isolated. He was devastated and begged me to come back. I knew enough time hadn't passed so stood my ground for about 2 weeks, then the crippling feelings came and I missed him so much. I carried around this guilt that I had left him with the people that manipulate him the most but he seemed unsure at this point. I received some quite abusive messaged off of his family and they continued to be as involved in the break up as the relationship. He moved back in with his parents despite us having the house and things after then took a real nose dive.
He told me we would sort it but that I'd need to just move back and apologise to the family - no compromise no option for long distance. I argued that this wasn't compromise and things would just go back to how they were. He flipped and said he was done and finished with me and hasn't spoken to me in over 3 weeks. How could the guy who was devastated just come to this conclusion? I've wrote letters and tried to reach out but he doesn't want to know. I'm absolutely devastated I've lost my friend how could this happen?

Gosh that's so sad. I'm desperately sorry for all you've been through

But you can't change him

And it doesn't appear that he wants to change

It's sad but some people are chameleons and he is obviously entrenched in his family dynamic

Sell the house and move on with your life

He has come to this conclusion because he has all of his family filling his ears. Something from personal experience you will have an ongoing battle with.

Take the job. If you’re meant to be together, you’ll find each other, but there’s a reason you left so try not too think of the good times, but why you are where you are.

@RWilson93
What Tiffbiff said. I sympathise, I ended a 16 year relationship 5 weeks ago, my ex has been controlled for years by his daughter, who has treated him like a cash cow. 43 years old, still running to daddy for ££ handouts, and telling him about all her problems down below too, which i found very creepy. Now the relationship is over, I need not bother with his family. I am sad when i think of the good times, but they were few and far between due to his daughter's interference and hostility, she has ruined at least one previous relationship of his too. Why can these men not see they are being played like violins?
Just think of the times since he moved back to his home town, he has put his family first, at a time when you were feeling homesick and needed support. The family are despicable sending you nasty texts, the break up is their fault, and his for not putting you first. It sounds like he won't be able to hold on to any future relationship, unless a future girlfriend is prepared to kiss his family's arse ! Stuff that, you're well rid of him. There will be someone else out there for you. Just think . . .next . .

Thanks everyone. He's literally not speaking to me at all and I find it very strange how he's managed to muster up the confidence to hate me yet for all those years I couldn't get him to see what they were doing to him. It hurts like absolute hell but I also understand he has to take some responsibility in this.

That's really sad and awful for you.

But he's made a choice, just as he has throughout, which is his family, his area, and no compromise.

You need to grieve the relationship and put it behind you.

In 6-12 months time you will look back and feel a massive relief for having had the strength to leave that incredibly toxic situation.

You choose YOU, that’s actually amazing and shows real strength of character and that your self-worth is intact.

Can you take the job?

It's easier to hate you as one person than his whole family. At moment there is a power play going on where he is bring cold so to force you not to take the job and apologise to his family. From my export ence he also has to show them he isn't bowing but has upper hand. When he truly thinks he might lose you he will back down but then when you lower your guard it will flare up again due to FOG towards his family. A case of to and froing always.

You can’t force someone to see their family is toxic. That’s controlling. You can support someone who is struggling with their toxic family but it’s best to let them draw their own conclusions & just be there to listen & gently advise. It’s simply not your place to tell someone their family is toxic, or that they should cut them out, etc. People in those situations need to discover this in their own time. You can’t force it.

If you want children I would cut your losses, this family doesn’t sound like it will accept you & do you really want future kids tied to people you think are toxic, with a partner who doesn’t agree with your way of thinking ?

Hello,
I am going through the same thing as you in aspects. It’s very hard xx please message me if you want to talk