Husband wants to resume sex life

[alittlebitofsunshine]

We have been together 16 years and at first sex was great. After my DD was born not so much and sex was often painful.

Two years ago I had breast cancer, a mastectomy and reconstruction. The night before my surgery I wanted us to have sex, I wanted to feel desired and affirm that I would get through that difficult time. I had hoped he would make it special but instead it was more 'roll on, roll off' and I was left frustrated.
Since then we have not had sex. I feel confident and sexy, i'm slim and look after myself. My husband, not so much! He is overweight, does not seem to care about himself and drinks to excess. I love him but I have no desire to be intimate. For me to have put my satisfaction to one side for two years and him to just want to start up again feels like he is asking too much.
He hasn't even asked me it I want to, he's just presumed that I do! How do I deal with this? Is he being fair?

It sounds like you've been through a lot and you sound bad-ass. But do you anticipate having a sexless relationship for the rest of your lives?

I think if he's just blurted let's start having sex again and not making any effort to rebuild intimacy and physical affection or woo you a bit first, then he's very clumsy/unfair.

But if you're not interested in a sexual relationship with him ever again, then maybe the relationship doesn't have legs anymore?

It sounds as though you didn't tell him your hopes for the sex just before the operation and neither of you have talked properly about the two year hiatus nor this desire of your husband's to start up again.

I would firstly suggest that some talking and sharing of thoughts and feelings should take place.

Also, the sex before your surgery sounds very hurtful and a big deal for you. It's the kind of thing that if you went for marriage counselling in 30 years time you would bring it up as a resentment that had huge rippling effects and he may be completely unaware.

What is your relationship like apart from the sexual side?

If you do have a very open and full discussion it might also be a good time to tell him what a destructive effect his drinking is having on your feelings towards him.

Who knows what talking may bring about

so now because HE wants too... it's all a go go..... despite everything you have been through OP.... sod that..

No way not only does he need to wait till your ready but also, he needs to take things slowly.

Well your DH certainly seems to have a clumsy and self-centred approach but I do think you should take @Chamomileteaplease advice and have a serious talk with him, covering all aspects of your relationship, not just the sexual side.

Sex is the glue in a relationship, an LTR is more likely to endure if there is a mutually agreed arrangement for sexual satisfaction for both partners. You have obviously been through a very difficult time and it's not surprising that sex has slipped off your agenda but you need to put the episode before your operation, when no doubt he was worried and probably found it hard to perform, behind you.

You need to communicate, to allow two years to go by without discussing the issue is worrying, the problem will not solve itself, you need to have a frank and honest talk with him.

This doesn't seem to be just about sex, it seems to be being used as a tool for control and as a weapon.
I think you need to talk to each other properly before going near the bedroom.