Difference between boundaries and being a doormat

[Cookiebear3]

Looking for some opinions.
I see a lot of various posts where someone can be too controlling over their partner and others saying don't take such crap treatment from your partner.
My DH has in the past not come home after nights out, putting other things before me and generally being a bit selfish when it comes to social stuff.
Were working through things but I'm unsure as to where the line between boundaries and control is.
Ive read just let him do his own thing and that will give you an answer but its not as simple as that.
Any ideas?

I don't think it's controlling to expect your partner to come home at night (or alternatively to let you know they're staying with someone).

Could you enlarge a bit about the sort of things he has done that make you wonder if you're controlling or he's taking the piss?

' Not come home after nights (plural?) out ' ??
Bags would have been packed after the first one.

Thanks for the replies, yep unfortunately it has happened mutiple times.

When he goes out with friends i used to get annoyed with the staying out all night but have tried to chill out a bit with it but when we go out together i hate it when im ready to go home (not early just at a natural end to the night) but he wants to continue the party elsewhere and i end up going home myself.

I dont try to tell him what to do in any other aspect of our lives such as his hobby, housework, kids, it really is just the social stuff.
I think im just not as outgoing.

I wouldn't say it is a control thing, but maybe preferences or standards. If you do not like what he is doing and it is making you upset then he needs to know and you need to communicate it to him. You must be really honest and tell him exactly how it makes you feel. His response will help you make more of an assessment.

Does the relationship make you happy? Do you trust him? Do you spend a lot of time anxious?

What would his reaction be if you stayed.out multiple nights?

He does know but once hes drunk he just wants to keep going, sometimes he will feel bad about it the next day.
Sadly i dont trust him but i dont know whether thats just me as i am quite an anxious person anyway.
He knows i would never do the same so i feel when he says he would never tell me what to do its because he knows he wouldnt have to worry ever.
I just always feel i dont know if im being unreasonable or im being a pushover.

I think you just need to assert your boundary. Clearly it is bothering you, so just things like if he wants to be out all night, there is a trade off where you get a night out/what you want.

Likewise saying 1 night is OK, but you need him ready to do XYZ tomorrow so he wont get to recover...

lock the front door... permanently.. would be my response to this behaviour...

You go out together but then you go home on your own ????

Give your head a wobble for heavens sake . What on earth do you get from this so called relationship ?

So X times a week/month he doesn’t come home at all & staggers in the next day at X time hungover.

I’d give him back the single life he seems to crave. There is no way I would put up with that, he has a family. It sounds like his family doesn’t really mean that much to him, come the weekend...

How is he staying awake? Do you think he has a cocaine issue? What are your finances like?

If you have kids then unscheduled allnighters are for me out of the question. Ok a really big night now and then is fine, but just not coming home is bullshit. What do you say to him when he foes that? How often does it happen?

Was with an ex like this. Absolutely hated it as it's so disrespectful. I'd be going home on my own so many times. I'm so glad I'm now with someone who wants to be with me.

If you don't trust him then seriously...why are you with him?

You have a partner you don't trust to the point it makes you anxious. Whether your concerns are valid or not, it's unhealthy relationship for either of you to be in.

It all comes down to what you are happy with.

A might be unhappy with husband staying out all night, but B might be absolutely fine, and so the boundaries are totally different.

If you’re unhappy, speak up or leave.

The trust issue has only been since we went through some other problems recently before that i trusted him completely.
He has been my only ever partner and weve been through a lot together so although i understand why people say not to tolerate and in my head im saying the same but its not as easy and im trying to make it better in case its not really all him as in am i partly to blame with too much controlling behaviour.

To answer some questions sorry dont know how to tag, Im not sure if cocaine is involved im a bit clueless with drugs as never touched them.
Finances are ok so could manage myself.
In the morning he will apologise and knows hes being selfish.
Im just looking for a balance really of living our lives but not taking advantage of each other.
Reading some of the responses i think a talk is definitely needed
Thankyou for all your replies x

Re your original question about boundaries or control.

My take on it is this.

Boundaries are what you are willing to accept in a relationship. In a healthy, honest relationship someone will set a boundary and the other person will accept it or not. It's healthy to have boundaries and to state them.

What's healthy is saying, "you knew that was a boundary and you accepted it and then did it anyway, so I don't want to be with you anymore."

What is not healthy is when someone doesn't accept your boundary but you force yourself to be ok with it when you're not, or you end up manipulating the situation so they can't break it.

Some boundaries are unreasonable either objectively or subjectively and the other person will think, "that's ridiculous, I don't want to accept that!" In which case, they should also say, "well I'm sorry but that is important to me" and either make a compromise or leave the relationship themselves.

What is unhealthy then is them continuing to do it but hiding or lying about it.

Everyone's boundaries will be in a slightly different place because what is acceptable to people is different.

I've ended both friendships and relationships because my boundaries were crossed. Some people have told me I accepted too much and should have walked away sooner, others felt I was heavy handed in ending them. Because people's boundaries are different.

As others have said, communication is the key.

Thankyou thats really good advice, i think ive accepted far too much in the past and will need to state my boundaries again.

He may not be able to stick to them so i think decisions will then need to be made from there, i know i cant go on like this anyway.

Yes, what I forgot to say was that, if someone doesnt accept your boundary, then they are free to leave the relationship. What they should not be free to do is remain in the relationship whilst also breaking it.

It's about respect. For yourself and for those you claim to care about.

Good luck.