Partner struggling with grief and relationship with female friends

[Luciea19]

My partners friend died 6 months ago in horrible circumstances. My partner has obviously found this hard. I have done my best to help him and understand.
He became friendly with a couple of women Who were friends of his friend. Who he didn’t know before. Both are single. I understood them sorting things to help his friend. However they are now messaging all the time. One of these women has his photo with them as her profile picture. I have never met them. I have had enough. He says they need his help with grief but he doesn’t understand my concerns. They had a group chat with others which I knew about. I have since discovered he is in a best friends group with just them. I have asked him to discourage and stop messaging. He agreed at first but has since backtracked. He says I am unreasonable am I?

How long have you been in the relationship for and how old are you both?

We are in our late 30s and have been together for 15 years

I think that the way forward would be for you all to meet rather than ban him from talking to them. Can you go out for a meal with them or have them over for dinner? If your husband isn't up for this then I think you need to ask why.

Can you read the messages if you asked?

What sort of picture is it that she has up? Do they look like a couple in it?

They don’t look like a couple it was actually taken at the wake. It looks like a friends photo. The messages are lots of love and support for each other. However he has also sent messages/photos to do with conversations we have had and photos of our children. Some messages were personal to our relationship and I was hurt he had shared. He says they are just nice people but I worry what their intentions are. I’m not a jealous person I know if it was the other way around he would be going crazy.

You have been together for 15yrs, why isn't he using you to help with his grief.

The two women have each other and other friends to help.

However I do like the idea that you all meet together. Did you ever meet this deceased friend? Why didn't you ever meet these women?

Can't he get bereavement counselling from Cruise?

Did they actually all swop phone numbers at a wake? Thats really inappropriate.

My partner didn’t see his friend that regularly and their lives were quite different. However he has got older friends who knew his friend too.I knew his friend but hadn’t seen him recently. These women were work colleagues/friends. One of my concerns is how it comes across on social media with his new best friends. One of them seems to rub people up the wrong way. I’m not sure I really want to meet them!

To be completely honest, why does it matter? If you trust your husband, it doesn’t matter what their intentions are or how it seems on social media. You can’t dictate who his friends are. You need to make the effort. He’s found some people he’s connected with, that’s a lovely thing.

It matters to me because I am hurt by some of his actions as he has lied about certain situations. Everyone is different as is each relationship.

If you try to 'ban' him from seeing friends, whether they are male or female, expect this to come back and bite you later in the relationship.

A similar thing happened with my DP a few years ago. While grieving for a friend he relied a bit too heavily on one particular friend who had also known him. I was kept out of the loop but it later transpired that this female friend had become a bit over-familiar.

I have no doubt DP led her on as he’s a people pleaser and wouldn’t have wanted to draw any boundaries.

When I later found out about it I was very hurt that he’d got into this situation where she was over stepping and he’d had to cut her off without me knowing anything about it. But had I known at the times I know I’d have been made to feel I was unreasonable if I’d objected to him seeking support ‘from a friend’

I’m not sure what the answer is, but you’re right to be wary.