After 13 years I want more..

[relationshipprob]

I already have DC.

We've been 'together' for 13 years. I know he loves me that's obvious to see, and is loyal so far afaik.

I don't need us to live together full time, but I'm getting sick of the feeling that he just takes for granted he can see me when he feels like.

Sometimes we will see each other most nights of the week, but sometimes a couple of weeks will go by when it's not 'easy' to be together (but with effort, more driving on his part etc would be possible) or busy with my (older) DC, so he just doesn't bother.

It's usually twice a week.

He phones me every day for hours.

I get really annoyed about the lack of consistency. I would like say 4-5 nights a week every week, sort of like a routine or responsibility, a given. Like the responsibility of living together but not if that makes sense.

The way things stand, he just doesn't make any effort, it feels like I'm just 'there' in the background when he decides he wants me.

I know he's committed as in he sees us as 'it' , he's not waiting for someone else, honestly, I've known him long enough. This lifestyle suits him that's all.

Gets me down though. In the beginning we spent most nights together but after the first 2 years or so it's been around or on 'average' 2 nights a week.

It's Saturday and I last saw him Tues 6pm - Wed 3pm at his. He said to come over the past two nights, but my (young adult although still at home) DC have been argumentative with me which I've been moaning about to him so he's said maybe best wait til tomorrow probably Monday.

It's just not enough.

Have the conversation with him, tell him what you want & how you feel.

Although, IMHO be careful what you wish for !

Haha @WellIWasInTheNeighbourhoo

I have had the conversation with him. He agrees to more nights together, but it never actually happens.

I've never given a proper ultimatum though.

It pisses me off that occasionally he will feel like spending 5 nights in a row with me (ie if we are both on holiday from work), but other times he won't feel like seeing each other for 2 whole weeks (usually because of a busy time or our respective family issues). I feel like why doesn't he miss me more. I'm just 'there', like a part of the furniture.

The other day he was asking me if I want to go to Glastonbury in 2022. We've been together 13 years. He's not looking for an 'out' or waiting for another. But it feels a bit manipulative that he knows I want a commitment to say set 4 nights a week and he pays lip service to that but goes on to just see me when he likes regardless.

Then you need to decide what you want, communicate that to him and communicate consequences of what you will do if it doesn't happen. And stick to it

I agree. I need to give the ultimatum.

But then I think what if that is forcing him to be with me more when he doesn't actually want to be though, and therefore it won't be genuine?

Actions speak louder than words as they say and he's clearly giving as much as he wants to. What you need to decide is if its enough. If its not, its time to walk away

@Fairycake2 You are right. I need to face up to it. I've been texting him about it and at first he replied "I love you but I can't do much X" . I replied that's nonsense you didn't have to cancel two nights in a row because of some minor reason and now we won't see each other for nearly a week. You clearly can "do much" , you just don't want to.

I know how it will go. I'll say I have to leave if we don't see each other more regularly. He'll make the effort for a few weeks and then things will just go backwards. Happens a few times a year.

It hurts because I love him, but I do need more, definitely. I need to be firm. He won't think I'm serious because I always give in. Longest I managed was 5 weeks.

To be honest you need to take some responsibility for this as you sound v hard work.......I want to be with him ...I don’t...I want to see more of him but don’t want to live with him...after 13 years !! You need to make up your mind what you want if after 13 yrs you’re not ready to live with him then it’s doomed ...finish it and move on

@Wigglefish123 Thank you for your input, genuinely. I can be hard work at times yes.

It's him who has never wanted to live together. He's had 2 previous relationships and he didn't live with them either. I wouldn't be against living together but I'm slightly happier not so it suits me.

What I need (I think!!) is more time, so at the least 3 nights a week, every week. It's the lots then nothing that I cannot deal with, and him only bothering if it's completely convenient ie he doesn't have to get up earlier to drive further, and he doesn't have a busy week on.

Ok so maybe I was a bit harsh but if someone(either of you) is not ready to commit after 13 years then it’s never going to work....it may be 3 nights one week but then it will be 2 and then 1 ...something needs to change !

How far away from each other do you live? I only ask as I wondered how difficult it is to get together.

The way things stand, he just doesn't make any effort, it feels like I'm just 'there' in the background when he decides he wants me.

That's exactly what you have described though. You are there when he wants to make the effort and still waiting in the wings when he doesn't.

I know he's committed as in he sees us as 'it' , he's not waiting for someone else, honestly, I've known him long enough. This lifestyle suits him that's all.

Then he won't change. He's happy on an ad hoc basis as is suits his lifestyle.

@londonscalling We live less than 2 miles apart !!

@KatherineJaneway Yes, it suits him and I've put up with it so he won't change. We had a big argument about it last night.

Look this setup can work for some people, especially those who have been burnt by divorce & want to prioritise protecting their independence & assets.

It’s also the kind of setup where this person could have another side relationship or be dating others & you would be none the wiser.

It sounds like he is happy with this setup & you’re not. I know you say otherwise, but it really sounds to me like you DO want to move in together & would do so, but he does not.

I don’t have any answers for you, but I think you do need to be honest with yourself about what you really want too.

Sounds like you either have to accept what he has to offer or move on.

Oh dear this sounds ideal to me

What do you think would change if you were seeing more of each other?

I suppose it's the adult contact I need. Also the validation that he actually misses me too.

I also feel as if time is going by and we need to make the most of our sex life now. . He's older than me and he's been having a little trouble sexually the past couple of years. His desire still there but occasionally trouble sustaining an erection and it can take a bit more 'cajoling' than it used to!! Regularly going a week or two without seeing each other is imo wasting the time we still have left with a reasonably good sex life.

Conversations in real life are way better than on the phone or online. Hugs too. Cooking together. Eating together.

I just want more time together I think. It's not a commitment thing. I'm included in all his family events, he is forever trying to get me interested in his hobbies, suggesting things to do together, although it's a bit one sided ie things he likes. He'll watch a TV show with me he hates, but won't go swimming for example.

It's a time thing I think. He's happy with twice a week most weeks, sometimes more, sometimes less. It's not enough for me. I need that in person contact.