if you married/had kids quickly because of your age...how did it happen? 37 and worried

[ursulacan]

If you were older when you met your DP/husband, how did things progress quickly enough to have kids very soon? I don’t want to do it alone.

I’m 37 and feeling so down about dating. I get dates and get on with people well but I don’t know how to assert myself and make it clear I want a family and the time is now.

I’ve read on these boards before that women had made it clear to a potential partner from the world go and then gone on to marry or have kids quickly. I’m not looking for just anyone but need to work out how to be assertive with my age. How do you even go about it?

I don't think it's entirely unreasonable to have the 'where would you like to see yourself in 2 years' time' conversation on the first few dates and just listen to what they have to say. It sounds a bit like a job interview type of question so maybe someone else here has a way of phrasing it better than me?

If they really want to have children and know your age, they'll understand where you're coming from. Not many people like being that direct but sometimes it's just necessary.

I’m 38 and no children (or plans to) but I would phrase it as “so what do you want out of life?” And see where that conversation goes. That could be a good opener for you to be able to answer the question too, so the topic of kids could be discussed without sounding as much like an interview?

I think in general you would get a vibe for the kind of men who are after commitment & to settle down. I daresay at this age you may want to expand your dating horizons & consider people you may not usually, especially if you have a certain “type” I would seek to date outside that type.

Hi OP, I'm no expert but I would think dating someone for a month or so before instigating a chat about the future and what you want from it might be a good way to go. I think having that convo too early might be counter productive as you won't know enough about them to know whether they'd make a good father and it might come off too intense. When you do feel ready to brush the subject I'd recommend being quite upfront and clear about what you want along with the timescales you have in mind. The right man should be considerate enough not to waste your time after that if he's not on the same page and I don't think a month is too long to spend with someone even if it doesn't go anywhere.

I think I blurted it out quite early and DP wasn’t against the idea but wasn’t really bothered either. Fell pregnant a few months into our relationship when I’d just turned 37. Eight years later we are very happy with two children 👌

Online dating or a dating agency would help with this as you can state on your profile what you want and other people have written on theirs what they want (or some of them have - a lot of people "prefer not to say" which I don't see the point of!).

For what it's worth, I'm in the same situation as you except I'm 38. I'm also getting worried. It's hard.

I was a bit younger 29, but have PCOS.

First date was looking so plenty of time to chat about what we wanted (had met online and my life was v busy, I'd had other bones break it off cos I was busy so wanted to make my position clear). Tools him I was busy but would make room for a relationship as I wanted to get married and have children.
Few days in we did the where do you see yourself in X years. He was 38. Said married with two kids by 40 (I think he forgot how old he was 😂😂).
He asked me to move in a few months later and I told him I want giving up my lovely flat to give things a go, basically unless you think I'm the on be and intend to marry me, revoke your request.
We got engaged after 6 months together, I suggested getting married in 2 years, he said hour about 1 so we can have a baby.
Said baby room a while and then so did the twins but we've been together 8 1/2 years now, 3 kids, and no regrets.

Just clear communication and upfront about what I wanted mixed with luck

Not sure if this helps but I was casually dating aged 34, following a horrendous break up as my ex wanted to settle down and have babies, I ended up meeting my partner And falling completely in love, and now am in the position of feeling "pigeon holed" and in a corner aged 36, which I probably shouldn't given how naturally my current relationship developed. It's really sad that women feel in this position, no matter how strong and independent they are prior to "this"