Why do I have this intense fear that my SO will cheat?

[ParksAndRec11]

Bit of background, been with my boyfriend 3 years now and everything’s amazing.

He’s an amazing guy and we literally are each others ‘half’. It feels great.

But, since we started seeing each other I have had such an intense fear that he’ll cheat on me? It nearly ruined the first 6-9 months of the relationship because any time he was out with friends I would work myself up into oblivion.

He doesn’t show any sign of wanting to cheat/cheating. We have a home together, a dog and are discussing potentially TTC next year - all very positive signs in our relationship.

I’ve never been cheated on. This is my first serious relationship, his 2nd and he never cheated in the first!

Does anyone else randomly have this fear? I’d say it’s much more controlled compared to when we first got together but even down to him following 1/2 Instagram models (doesn’t like their pictures) bothers me slightly! Do I need to calm down? Am I over paranoid?

Have a read up on attachment styles. It sounds as though you may be anxiously attached.

What was/is your relationship with your parents like?

@Geppili all good with my dad! Slightly rocky with my mum. She’s quite judgmental and critical which has always been hard to grow up with.

He will either cheat or he won't. Worrying about it won't change that.

I'd assume you have an anxious or disorganized attachment style.

It's very important to note that this kind of fear is often self-fulfilling. Clinging, neediness and jealousy destroy intimacy and can be a catalyst for affairs/relationships blowing up/etc. I would recommend counselling tbh.

Slightly rocky with my mum. She’s quite judgmental and critical which has always been hard to grow up with. - disorganized or anxious attachment usually takes root based on the relationship with your primary childhood caregiver. If your mum was your main carer when you were under the age of 3, then her influence may be part of what is causing issues in your relationship.

Most problems are multi-factor - rarely do relationship problems spring up due to one factor - your relationship with your mum may be one of several factors.

Yes, you need to calm down. Worrying about your partner cheating will not stop it happening and jealousy and clinginess is likely to drive him away.

The bottom line is that there are no guarantees. Opening yourself up to a romantic relationship also opens you up to the possibility of being hurt. But it’s a risk most of us take because the rewards of a loving relationship are great. And because most of us have had our hearts broken at some time or other and with time have got over the pain and loved again.

But obsessing that he’s going to cheat on you means wasting a lot of emotional energy and will become a drain on the relationship for you and for him.

Anxious attachment.

Be honest, do you give him a hard time when he goes out without you / when he follows people on social media that make you feel insecure?

I had this in my early twenties with my first serious relationship. I realise now it was all to do with my own lack of self esteem and worth. Do you think this could be a factor for you?

I had this with my first LTR in my 20s. Was terrified every time he went out with friends etc. He did turn out to be a cheat though, I found out a few months before our wedding. We split up (obviously!) and I then met DH who is the true love of my life and I have no qualms whatsoever about him possibly cheating on me.
Don't know if it's self esteem or self fulfilling prophecy with regards to possibly cheating (do they feel if they're getting accused of it they may as well actually do it) but it's horrible to feel like that so I do feel your pain.

Do you have low self-esteem? I used to like this, and still am a bit but try and keep it under control, but I used to be really paranoid that as soon as a BF spent more than a few minutes chatting to another woman, he'd see how much better, more interesting, funnier etc etc, they were than me and dump me. It was exhausting and very unhealthy. Working on my self- esteem helped.