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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Should I stay or go?

22 replies

Papayahi · 31/07/2020 21:16

Hi mumsnetters,

Some advice please.. Although I think I know the answer is to leave.

I have been with my fiancé for 5 years, we are now in our late 20s and fairly settled financially. He is my first partner ever.

Usually everything is great between us and we have a very close and affectionate relationship, however about once every month we have a major argument. Usually it starts over something very small and trivial that I have done (think move an object and put it somewhere it shouldn't be in the house) and this really sparks anger in him. He will shout and raise his voice at me and will say extremely hurtful things to me (calling me stupid, fat , saying I don't earn enough, I am a bitch, etc), he then usually retreats and gives me silent treatment for a few days / about a week, and also often threatens to leave "let's break up I am done with you etc". I have to admit his silent treatment really upsets me and I have started to frequently lash out verbally when he is doing this out of frustration. He has told me before that he doesn't ignore me to upset me, but to make me “think about my behavior”.

Usually I have ended up going to him and apologising in the past and when things blow over he will tell me that he only said the things he did to try and hurt me etc. And that he loves me.

I have tried to explain so many times that he is destroying the trust in our relationship and that his behavior is unacceptable however this pattern keeps repeating. The latest episode has ended up with me having to leave our shared flat and stay with my sister to get away from his silent treatment which lasted 2 weeks.

I feel so incredibly heartbroken as I love him so much and for so much of our relationship we are happy together, I have to stress that this is not a day to day thing but just perhaps once a month. Also perhaps selfishly I know that as I am very shy and introverted I will maybe struggle to find anyone new.

Anyways not sure what I am looking for, just wanted to write it down somewhere. Why does he do this? Is there anyway it can be fixed? Or should I just cut my losses and go whilst I still can? Thank you.

OP posts:

LouiseTrees · 31/07/2020 21:20

Cut your losses.

NotaCoolMum · 31/07/2020 21:20

He abuses you then stonewalls you- it doesn’t matter why. He’s abusive. I’m sorry but this is not healthy at all. 💐

SoulofanAggron · 31/07/2020 21:24

Go. He is abusing you.

Murphy07 · 31/07/2020 21:25

This man is emotionally abusing you and attempting to destroy your self esteem with his insults, which seems to have worked as you mentioned concern that you couldn't find someone else.

Please leave before he makes you believe he is the only one who will love you.

You are very strong for realising the issues in your relationship and you know you have to leave. Best of luck doing that. Oh, and you will definitely find someone else if you try. You'll just need to give yourself time

Aussiebean · 31/07/2020 21:25

Run.

Rule of thumb, if you have to come to a forum to ask strangers if you are being treated well, because you are unsure... the answer is almost always no.

You would know if this was a good relationship. You know, deep down, that what he is doing is horrible and abusive.

He actually admitted to you that he says things to hurt you. He looks at you and is totally ok with hurting you.

You don’t actually love this man. Not this man, who blows up at you, deliberately hurts you and refuses to speak to you for a whole week. That is a long time in that ‘only happens once month’.

You love an idea of him. You love who he occasionally is. The nice part he brings out to keep you around.

You don’t love the real him. The real him is not a nice person.

SoulofanAggron · 31/07/2020 21:26

In answer to your 'why?' question, a lot of people recommend this book www.docdroid.net/py03/why-does-he-do-that-pdf

category12 · 31/07/2020 21:28

Once a month is a lot.
The silent treatment is a form of emotional abuse.
You're in an abusive relationship.

Takeitonthechin · 31/07/2020 21:41

Seriously, just leave, he has zero respect for you and it will only get worse.

jessstan2 · 31/07/2020 21:42

Go now.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 31/07/2020 21:46

The only acceptable level of abuse in a relationship is none.

You are in an abusive relationship with this man and the nice/nasty cycle he shows you is all part and parcel of his abuse too.

Abuse like you describe takes time to recover from, in this respect I would urge you to look at the freedom programme run by Women’s Aid.
Love your own self for a change and give yourself a chance to heal.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 31/07/2020 21:48

Are you still at your sister’s place?. If so remain there. Do not ever go back to your abuser.

Lacey2019 · 31/07/2020 21:48

I was in your situation last year. Cancelled my wedding, sold my share in our home and left

CodenameVillanelle · 31/07/2020 21:50

Of course you must leave him. Of course.

MikeUniformMike · 31/07/2020 21:52

You are only in your 20s. This is no way to live. He is abusive.
Dump him and live your life.

catsandlavender · 31/07/2020 21:53

If it’s once a month but the silent treatment can last 2 weeks then it’s actually very frequent - and even once a month for one day is too much. You don’t need to live like this - you won’t regret leaving.

dublingirl66 · 31/07/2020 21:57

Run a mile

Ass hole

Sorry you have been dealing with this

Original poster

Papayahi · 31/07/2020 22:18

Thank you all, it is now extra clear what the answer is now - to leave!! I have been so lucky in that getting away from the situation and staying with my sister for what is now almost a month has given me time to see things more clearly. It can be so hard to know what to do when you are immersed in what is going on. I have to keep remembering that all the good times can't make up for his mistreatment. We own a house together so I will speak to a solicitor / my bank to get advice on the next steps. Thank you all so much

OP posts:

Greyblueeyes · 31/07/2020 22:30

I'm so glad to hear that you plan to end things. Good for you! You are young, and deserve so much better. Be proud of yourself for recognizing that! Best of luck to you!

howfarwevecome · 31/07/2020 22:32

He's being emotionally abusive: the silent treatment is abuse. Name calling like this is abuse. And it will escalate. Be thankful you didn't actually marry him.

Remember that every time you think about waivering.

londonscalling · 31/07/2020 22:37

You say this only happens about once a
month. However, if he ignores you for up to two weeks, then it's 50% of the time. Seriously, who does he think he is? Tell him to grow up and get out!

Dery · 31/07/2020 23:39

What you are describing is emotionally and psychologically abusive behaviour. Once a month is way too often for this kind of nastiness. Once a year would be too often.

It’s great to see that you have realised you need to leave him.

You might benefit from reading “Why Does He Do That?” and “The Mind of the Intimate Male Abuser”. You will recognise this man in those books. And remember that the good times are not enough to make up for the bad. A healthy partner will not hurt you the way this man does. Cut him loose. And don’t fall for any of the heartbroken bullshit which he will pull when he realises you’re gone. That nastiness you’ve described - that’s who he truly is.

AlwaysCheddar · 01/08/2020 07:24

Leave! Leave! And see a solicitor! And don’t go back.

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