People always pull away from me

Duemarch2021 · 2020-07-31T19:21:13+00:00

This is a bit random and i don't know why I'm writing this (maybe hormones lol).. I think it's to see if anybody else feels the same way or to get a feel why people may treat me this way... anyway... Since I was a child i was left out from allsorts of things, people's birthday parties, sleepovers, friendship groups etc.. ive always been a bit of a loner, my sisters are older than me and had left home when I was born. I hardly had any friends as a child /teenager and was sort of bullied in school (not severely but definitely not part of a popular group, or any group for that matter) my partner and my family tell me im a lovely person and its other peoples issue not mine. I think im a nice person, i enjoy going out or staying in, i make an effort but am not too needy, im funny! Im a little bit quirky but I'd say in a good way, i try to be kind and helpful to people but i always seem to lose friends quickly. I do have a few good friends who say im great as i am but everyone else just seem to dismiss me... any ideas why this could be?! Xx

Neptunesgiraffe · 31/07/2020 20:24

No idea, but it sounds like its their loss. Not everyone has a massive friendship circle. Some of us have a few close friends. I do, and it makes me happy. Listen to what your family and friends say and believe them.

BumbleBeee69 · 31/07/2020 22:14

OP... you are who you are... cherish those who deserve your time

magicmallow · 31/07/2020 23:38

I'm a bit like this too op. Maybe people sense you're keen to be friends and that makes them back off a bit?

I'd say acceptance helps. Look to the people who do love / care for you and focus on them rather than trying to make new friends. Then if extras come along - great - if not refocus on who you love and are good friends with. You will probably realise it's not as bad as you think and you have old friends who love and care about you - it's quite usual to only have a few.

Sounds like you're lacking in confidence etc. Are you happy in your life other than friends? Can you focus on hobbies etc?

TigerDater · 31/07/2020 23:44

There’s no particular value to having lots of friends. I do and it’s exhausting. To be honest so long as my DF, DDs and DP want to spend time with me, I’m happy. The rest is just icing on the cake. Keep on bring you OP

pineapplepalmtree · 31/07/2020 23:46

a bit quirky in what way...

Original poster

Duemarch2021 · 01/08/2020 00:01

Thanks guys.. yeah i do focus on what i have rather than what i dont, i suppose sometimes i just sit and think why has that always happens to me and has done since i was a child🤔... i think quirky is too strong a word now i think about it, what i meant was i sometimes have quite a childish sense of humour and am a little bit of a geek. But i think that gives me a bit of a personality and i like my personality. I do think i lack in self confidence xx

OP posts:

bakedoff · 01/08/2020 03:17

Are you very attractive? I’ve found that I shy away from very attractive women as friends. It puts me off. I don’t want to be friends with somebody who looks like a supermodel. I just don’t. It makes me feel inferior. I think lots of women are the same. Or are you very skinny? That also puts me off. I like being friends with people who don’t care about clothes/appearance and aren’t going to make me feel like shit about the way I look. Just being honest.

username58 · 01/08/2020 03:39

I could have written this! I'm also quirky and I completely struggle to make friends, I also have acquaintances but nobody I could call a true friend apart from one friend who lives in my home town who I speak to every now and then. I sometimes wonder if I have Aspergers as I have most of the traits and it helps me make sense of the way I am. So just know you're not alone on the making friends front

lilylion · 01/08/2020 03:40

my sisters are older than me and had left home when I was born

I have a much older brother and also find I’m often left out. I was a very solitary child and used to doing things by myself and I do wonder if they’re connected somehow.

TheLegendOfZelda · 01/08/2020 06:14

It's totally the norm to have a few, good, friends rather than a lot of good acquaintances.

Another possibility could be that you are aspie. In which case it's just about finding your people amongst the norms. They are just more spread out so it takes longer to find them! Sorry, that's just how I think about it.

Icantrememebrtheartist · 01/08/2020 09:15

I’m the same OP. Although I no longer have any close friends due to one deciding to take my ex DH side when we divorced (her DH is best friends with mine) and my other best friend had an affair and her DH felt her friends encouraged her which we didn’t and made her choose between him and her friends.

I make friends in every workplace, always seem to be well liked in new social circles but my friendships don’t seem to last. I think I’m rubbish with the day to day maintenance of friendships.

I still think great friendships Are a wonderful thing to have but the older I get I’ve realised friendships can change and come and go as you move through life.

Original poster

Duemarch2021 · 01/08/2020 11:32

I wish I was super good looking😂 nah i'm not, i'm quite chubby and quite normal looking I'd say and I'm not bothered about fashion really. I have wondered whether I could be on the spectrum but my friend works with people with special needs and said she doesn't think I am. I also used to speak to a councillor and I spoke to her about this. I asked her too and she said she can't see that I am, just that im an anxious person. Maybe I just havn't met the right type of people that suite my personality🤔 xxx

OP posts:

Original poster

Duemarch2021 · 01/08/2020 11:34

Hmm what's aspie... i will look it up x

OP posts:

AttilaTheMeerkat · 01/08/2020 11:47

Aspie is an abbreviation for a person with Asperger syndrome.

I would read around the subject of females who present with autism and consider also contacting the National Autistic Society. It may well be that you are somewhere along the ASD spectrum.

Your friend who works with people with special needs is not at all qualified to say whether you are on the autistic spectrum or not, find someone who actually is qualified.

Original poster

Duemarch2021 · 01/08/2020 11:48

I have just been reading an article about early signs of asbergers and some of the signs mentioned do actually sound like me as a child. Maybe i do have it xx

OP posts:

TheresASadSortOfClanging · 01/08/2020 12:18

I have similar issues, OP.

I have aspergers and female friendships are just something I've never been able to get to grips with.

My childhood years sound very similar to yours too. I wasn't severely bullied but i was definitely socially ostracized. Most of the time I didn't care but it stil happened.

I have found my best chance of friendships is with people who also have aspergers or are similarly 'quirky' because then I feel less different to them and less self conscious about it. Plus we are more tolerant of quirks and less likely to sit around listening to jokes made at other people's expense that could easily be made of us. Its safer.

But that brings its own pitfalls. I've lost 3 very close friends in the past 12 months due to clashing of traits.

TheresASadSortOfClanging · 01/08/2020 12:21

OP, i can recommend the girl with the curly hair page on fb if you think you might have it too.

BlingLoving · 01/08/2020 13:19

I can't comment on your life as a child/teenager. But you say you have friends, good friends? In which case, is it just that your expectations are just a bit skewed? eg I have had to stop any reading of books or movies in the "chick lit" genre where there's a group of women who are BESTIES for 40 years and all four have always been 100% close. Because I don't know any situation like that in real life. Sure, people have friendship groups, but they're never standalone and intense that way.

Ditto, in fictional narratives people often have this massive group of friends but in real life most people, as adults, have a small core group of very close friends and perhaps a wider group of acquaintances who they get on with and who perhaps they hang out with for specific reasons (eg kids, a specific hobby or interest etc).

RhubarbTea · 01/08/2020 21:24

I could have written your post as well, OP. I've also wondered if I am on the spectrum and concluded that I probably am, but I don't know how to go about finding 'my' people.

I tend to find female friendships especially difficult for some reason, and have tended to prefer being friends with men. Possibly because my single mum was quite toxic and I've since gone NC, women make me feel a bit tense. But the older you get, as people settle down and start families, that becomes less and less socially acceptable to have mostly male friends as they either start to fancy you or think you must fancy them, or they don't fancy you and you don't fancy them, but their partner or wife thinks you must fancy each other.

I feel really lonely at the moment, I think the pandemic has revealed how few close friends I have and that's been sobering to realise. I have loads of acquaintances but nobody I would call a close friend at the moment.

TheresASadSortOfClanging · 02/08/2020 12:24

I tend to find female friendships especially difficult for some reason, and have tended to prefer being friends with men.

Same here. I got slated on here for saying this many moons ago but I have always found men to be more straightforward than women. They like you or they don't. If you fall out, its dealt with and then you move on. They are more direct. All things I find easier.

Whereas women are more 'complicated' - they will pretend to he your friend (for appearances/the greater socially good) and then talk negatively about you behind your back. Many won't confront directly if you upset them and don't respond positively to you addressing things head on with them. Because it's not 'nice'. Sometimes, its communicated through the tone of voice or a facial expression or what is left 'unsaid' and I miss those until they're pointed out to me.

Nowadays, I think this is down to female socialisation and the desire to he seen as 'nice'. Women maintain the appearances of friendship and kindness and follow the drive to be seen as always nice but it doesnt always follow behind closed doors. After all, they are just people and people get pissed off but it doesnt seem to be the done thing to tackle things head on.

More concisely, the social dance of women is more complex. There isn't really one with men.

Becaise I'm aware that i don't read social cues and subtexts etc, I often have no idea that I've pissed someone off. I can tell if someone actively doesn't like me at all (I think!) but beyond that, it all looks the same to me.

But it also means I overthink because I'm never sure where I stand with women.

RhubarbTea · 05/08/2020 18:26

@TheresASadSortOfClanging

I tend to find female friendships especially difficult for some reason, and have tended to prefer being friends with men.

Same here. I got slated on here for saying this many moons ago but I have always found men to be more straightforward than women. They like you or they don't. If you fall out, its dealt with and then you move on. They are more direct. All things I find easier.

Whereas women are more 'complicated' - they will pretend to he your friend (for appearances/the greater socially good) and then talk negatively about you behind your back. Many won't confront directly if you upset them and don't respond positively to you addressing things head on with them. Because it's not 'nice'. Sometimes, its communicated through the tone of voice or a facial expression or what is left 'unsaid' and I miss those until they're pointed out to me.

Nowadays, I think this is down to female socialisation and the desire to he seen as 'nice'. Women maintain the appearances of friendship and kindness and follow the drive to be seen as always nice but it doesnt always follow behind closed doors. After all, they are just people and people get pissed off but it doesnt seem to be the done thing to tackle things head on.

More concisely, the social dance of women is more complex. There isn't really one with men.

Becaise I'm aware that i don't read social cues and subtexts etc, I often have no idea that I've pissed someone off. I can tell if someone actively doesn't like me at all (I think!) but beyond that, it all looks the same to me.

But it also means I overthink because I'm never sure where I stand with women.

Thanks, I found that really helpful! I'd never really put two and two together although I have spoken about men being more 'what you see if what you get' I didn't equate that to me having a hard time with social cues and finding female friendships more fraught an a result. But it does make sense when you put it like that.