Do I have to reconcile

[weegiemum]

My mother was emotionally abusive in my teens and 20s and I've now been nc for 15 years.

I've recently heard she's ill, and anyone I've told has said "oh I hope you can make up now" even the ones who know what she was like!

I'm taking my time to think about what to do but I'm not sure that we could make up, or even if it would be the best thing. She won't be getting better but no one yet knows how long she has.

Does anyone have any experience of this?

It really is up to you, dont let other people change your mind or guilt trip you.

A friend of mine was being guilt tripped by his family to go and see his very abusive and homophobic grandfather as he was ill. (friend is gay) he got the "but he old, you should make your peace" line. As i said to him "If Adolph Hitler had lived to be an OAP would we have had to forgive him for his crimes purely because he would have been old"?

Just because some one is old or ill doesnt mean they have suddenly changed into a nice likeable friendly person.

I’m sorry to hear you had to deal with abusive behaviour and other people’s expectations that you should now get over it / accept it.

My mother was emotionally abusive (enabled by my father) throughout my childhood and encouraged bullying behaviour towards me from my siblings. She had a stroke a few years ago and there was a huge amount of pressure on me to conform to everyone else’s view of happy families and act like the past hadn’t happened.

I know this decision isn’t right for everyone but i chose not to engage. I felt that denying the abusive behaviour (which nobody in my immediate family has acknowledged or apologised for) would benefit everyone else as they would be able to maintain the pretence that it hadn’t happened. I didn’t and don’t want to go along with this so I haven’t.

I asked myself would I care if she died and we hadn’t reconciled? And I didn’t - even if that sounds harsh. I also feel that reconciliation is a two way process - has she made any amends for her treatment of you?

It’s a deeply personal decision and there are many pros and cons either way but ultimately you have to do what’s right for you, not everyone else.

I read something on MN ages ago about how dying doesn’t suddenly make people saints and that really resonated with me. With no acknowledgement of, let alone apology for, what she put me through, a false reconciliation felt like yet another manipulation and I couldn’t do it to myself so I didn’t.

So the short answer to your question: is no you don’t have to if you don’t want to.

I hope you find the right decision for you and sorry again to hear you are in this position

Slightly different but I hadn't seen my abusive Dad for about 15 years when he died suddenly. Got all sorts of pressure to go to the funeral. I realised I wouldn't have gone to see him if he had asked on his deathbed due to all the stuff that he had done. So didn't go to the funeral. And have no regrets. You need to see if you think YOU will feel bad if you don't go. Don't let anyone else pressure you. If you have been nc for such a long time you sound like you've already decided where she fits into your life. Don't do it for her if you don't feel like she deserves it though.

No you don't have to do a thing if you don't want to.

The people who talk about making up are clearly people from functional households who don't understand that NC is sometimes healthy and good for everyone. By using terms like making up they are implying that you have some blame and what do they know about what you went through?

My mum is a horrible person and if she was ill or died I wouldn't do a thing. I wouldn't regret it and wouldn't care to know about it.

She hasn’t approached you to tell you she is ill or to offer an olive branch.

I would see this as yet further evidence of her dysfunction, manipulation and emotional neglect / abuse.

She still doesn’t care for you.

Don’t be the person to make the first move. If she contacts you, take time to reflect on her approach and tone - if it is anything less than truly apologetic don’t go there.

Don’t be guilt tripped by her, any flying monkeys or friends who have not walked in your shoes. Don’t discuss it with these people - just be vague and close down any conversations swiftly.

It takes an incredible amount of effort to see the situation, to withdraw and maintain a distance from it to allow yourself to heal and recover from her abuse.

Don’t unwittingly step back in the boxing ring and undo all of your hard work.

I have been in a similar situation. Zero regrets and v glad I kept away and focused tightly on my present and future life with kind, respectful and radiant people.

You didn’t deserve this treatment from a mother.

She doesn’t deserve you.

Nope. F*ck that shit.
Maybe its que for you to look inwards and see if you can forgive her. But forgiveness does not obligate you to getting back in touch again.

No OP.. feel no pressure to reconcile...

What do you want OP? Your opinion is what matters here, no one else's. I have no interest in seeing my neglectful parent ever again, being terminaly ill wouldn't change that because it wouldn't change who they are. I'd keep in mind when deciding that you'd likely be expected to bury the past and pretend her abuse never happened. Only go for you, if you feel you need to or would gain something positive from it. She lost her right to any consideration from you when she abused you. Your friends are probably projecting how they'd feel to some extent and not wanting you to have regret. But in all likelihood they're thinking about the type of people they know and expecting some regret on her part and her seeking forgiveness and welcoming you with open arms. They haven't lived the reality. You know much better than them what she's like. Do what's best for you, you are the only person you need to consider in the decision.

Do not ease an Abusers conscience .... purely to help them die more peacefully .... fuck that 🌺

Why are you telling people she's ill? I mean.. you're NC for 15 years and yet something in you feels the need to tell people...I'd explore why you're doing that.

Could it be that you feel conflicted about things and don't kind of duty to reconcile?

You really don't have to ... why should you.

It depends if you want to try or not.

Don't be guilted by anyone.

She's the same person she always was, so it is whether it would make you feel better about things to try, or whether you would just be emotionally put through the wringer for no benefit.

Be pragmatic.
Who would it make happy?
If she's rotten to you, then it wouldn't make you happy. And TBH, being mean to someone rarely makes the perpetrator truly happy either... put it this way, if you know that for whatever reason you (cough) don't bring out the best in her (to say the least) WHAT would be the point in meeting up?

If you have a proper think and decide, with your eyes open, that it would be worth it for you, then fair enough.

But it's ok to say, "look, she never enjoyed my company when she was well, I'm going to leave things be and not add any upset to what's already a stressful situation". It really is.

I've got estranged relations and have had recent deaths in the family and although, sure, I wouldn't have complained if an improbably perfect reconciliation had happened... in reality, it wasn't going to, and I'm glad we didn't have to deal with arguments and drama and people playing up.

Do you have siblings and is your DF in the picture. What is their take?

My DF died 26 years ago. It was his b'day at the weekend and my sisters all posted on FB, Happy Birthday Dad and pics of him in his prime. I turned their threads off and wouldn't do it, I refuse to pretend even now he was a good dad. It makes me sad but I'm sticking with it even if they want to rewrite history. Do what makes you comfortable.

Oh ffs some people do talk drivel. When I was getting married my hairdresser (a Greek father with a huge close family) waxed lyrical about family weddings, and was very taken aback that my father wasn't coming to mine, not because he was dead but because he hadn't been invited. (I didn't volunteer any of this info, he just asked a lot of father-centric questions.) He thought it would be a great time to 'give him another chance' not taking a moment to think that maybe I had my own reasons.

My father was a terrible person - hostile, controlling, violent alcoholic and paedophile - and cutting contact was the best thing I ever did for myself. When he was old and I found out he was in a nursing home (he's since died) I never gave it a second thought. It's hard enough to be there at the end of someone's life when you love, are close to and respect them, never mind someone with whom you have at best a complicated relationship and at worst someone you don't like or even know anymore.

Looking at it from a different perspective OP, if I was estranged from family and I found out I was dying, that would give me the opportunity to examine my life choices and tie up any loose ends, apologise to anyone I felt I needed to, tell people I love them etc. If you don't want to go to her, maybe see if she comes to you and then figure out what you want to do.

I was worried I'd suddenly have regrets when my dad died but no, I just feel relieved there's no chance I'll accidentally run into him.

It’s better to keep a dignified silence about your mother than to do what my friend did. At the funeral she told her family ‘I came here today because I wanted to be sure the old bag was really dead. I won’t miss her’

No - stay away. Move on. I've done similar and don't engage in conversations about it.

Thankyou everyone, I've found it all really helpful. I really mean that, there's been a great thinking point in everything people have said.

I think I'd already made my choice in that I have no unfinished business with her from my own POV. If I'd heard she'd died, I wouldn't have an "if only ...." - that ship sailed a very long time ago.

I suppose I told people because that's what you do. Weird. Mainly it was my very small church, who are all lovely people but don't know about the years of abuse, because I don't talk about that either.

My dad has been divorced/remarried for almost 40 years now. He was always my resident parent and has said he will be there for me no matter what I decide. There's also my fantastic stepmum who has been in that role since my mid teens and I can't say how lucky I am to have her. There are more complex relationships with my siblings who aren't nc, but they had different relationships with her. They're important to me but, in the end, not my responsibility.

I've contacted my therapist that I've not seen for a year and am having a short run of zoom sessions starting next week. He's great and I know will help me stop beating myself up about whatever imagined issue I have with my mother this time.

Thanks all for your input. Mumsnet is brilliant!