Escort and casual sex app searches on husband's search history

[Silversearch]

Our relationship is hanging by a thread and I feel I don't care anymore.
A year ago I found 'local escort ' searches plus 'best casual sex apps' on my husbands phone ( yes I stumbled across as he gave me access).
It devastated me and I still haven't recovered. I know he never took it any further, I'm sure of that but the revelation stunned me. I lost confidence and became depressed.
I used to bring it up every few weeks but then less so but now he gets extremely angry and blames me for having a 'Jealousy crisis '. He refuses to discuss the matter. He says it was only ever curiosity but I am still angry and bitter.

I don't know how to accept it or get over it.
I feel so sad that people around me have loving partners who would not do this and I get the bad luck to find a partner who could do this behind my back.

He's lovely in many other ways apart from being quite selfish in bed, I.e lying there whilst I'm on top barely touching me or hammering away without much tenderness when he's on top. He plays with me for a minute pre-sex but nevers cares or asks whether I've come. Yet he's cuddly and affectionate when we chat.

I dont feel he's addressed it or apologised enough and he dismisses my feelings. We've just had another argument about it and he's said if we split 'good luck getting a boyfriend with your Jealousy '.

I don't know what to do I feel numb and so very sad.

He cheated on you and he has the audacity to accuse you of being jealous! You should end it, he's a knob and you can do so much better

Ewww. Get rid of him. You can do so much better.

The selfishness in bed would be enough for me to end it, the cheating would be the final nail in the coffin. You deserve better.

The trust has gone (understandably) and he sounds selfish and cruel, not lovely, from what you say.

You need to rebuild yourself. I'd organise some counselling to work on your self-esteem and boundaries, then decide on your next move.

You can absolutely make things work with someone who has cheated and is sorry.

You absolutely cannot make things work with a cheater who is not sorry.

Whether he acted on it or not, his intention was to cheat on you. He was searching for other people to fuck. And he's now blaming you for the lack of trust in your relationship? Put the whole POS in the bin.

Oh, I bet you anything at least one of those "perfect" other men in those relationships aren't so shiny and clean. Many are very, very good at hiding it, is all.

OP have you had an STD test? Cheaters only ever give the bare minimum, it's why you're always advised to hold off on accusations until you've done more research. It's highly unlikely that he didn't visit the escorts.

It sounds as though he learned about sex from porn and knows nothing about making love to his partner.

It sounds like you have no intimate communication at all. Have you told him that you don't like him hammering away as it does nothing for you and can make you sore? That you need foreplay?

He wants porn sex where he doesn't have to consider the other person. He may also be into a certain fetish that he doesn't feel comfortable asking you for. Either way, your sex life sounds awkward and unsatisfactory.

Is this what you want OP? Do you want awful sex for the rest of your life with someone who simply doesn't care about your needs or feelings? A person who is actively searching for sex workers?

Sounds like something very similar at a basic level to what I have been through. Even down to the laying there with barely any foreplay in my case giving him a very hard hand job which he often wouldn’t come from and would finish himself off while asking me to run my hands over his body and that was the full extent of our sex life but being cuddly on the sofa / day to day life . Then came the escort searches and saying he didn’t go through with it. Does he have an addictive personality in other ways ? Gambling drink drugs exercise etc.

I am not the best person to give advice but wanted to say I understand how you are feeling. Would he be prepared to have couples counselling with you ?

No, he refuses to have counselling. Refuses to discuss it with me. Addictions? Yes probably to food and cigarettes...he literally cannot give up. He is sweet and considerate in so many ways and we do get on but i think this the fact that he refuses to talk about it is a deal breaker.

Nothing about your description of him and his behaviour makes him sound even the tiniest bit attractive. And that is before you think of kindness, partnership, honesty, trust, respect.

He sounds horrible. What aspect of your life is better by staying with him?

MeridianB
I'm beginning to wonder...too many red flags early on in the relationship, I did fall in love I guess but he has destroyed that. We have genuinely had some great times together and supported each other higely through difficult times. Now I'm not sure about a future with him unless he grows up and treats me with respect and takes the time to talk with me rather than shouting.
I just feel utterly broken but I know I'm strong and will get on OK without him, its just very sad when things come to an end.

Hmmm what a delightful specimen...

He sounds absolutely terrible in bed and I'm not buying for a second that he was just "curious".

There are literally millions of women you pass on the street in real life to look at and the entire internet full of free porn..if someone is "curious" or wants to window shop that is.

Come on now OP - it's an insult to your intelligence, and he's getting angry because he's guilty and wants to stop you asking. Simple as that.

He isnt going to 'grow up' op as he is not immature. He is emotionally stunted.

Also he cheats on you and makes you out to have a problem for having a problem with it. Google: gaslighing and also DARVO.

He is a total shit.
You are not the one with the issue. He is. It is bit fixable as it is just who he is. A bastard.

Leave.

*it is not fixable

He either cheated or he wanted to Cheat either way his disgusting. Plus his shit in bed get rid of him ! Life’s too short for his crap

You said you don't know how to accept or get over it. Why should you when he has made no effort to make himself emotionally available to you? here is what I think.
Don't accept it and don't get over it. Doesn't matter how long it's been, you have every right to stand up today and tell him it wasn't ok and you're done with him.

How do you know he never took it further?

Trouble is it will just happen again. Really, if he was truly sorry he’d be remorseful and desperate to reassure you and he’s not sadly. Horrible for you