Do you ever get over it once the trust is lost?

[RayDoh]

have name changed and this is a bit of an unusual situation

dp and I have been together 5 years (late 40s, no dcs together but we both have dcs).

4 years into the relationship, completely coincidentally (it's a bit of a long story), i discovered that dp had lied to me and in the first year that we were going out, when we weren't living together, dp was still living with his girlfriend (he claims ex girlfriend). He claims they weren't sleeping together nor really seeing each other at that point and they just hadn't managed to physically move out. She did not know dp was dating so this was not transparent and he was clearly lying to us both.

the problem was at the time, we were getting on so well, I could barely believe it. And it wasn't as much the fact that he had done it, it was the deviousness and the planning it took to lie to me that whole time.

because so many years had passed, and because our relationship was so good at the time, I decided not to break up with him and to give it a go. He was hugely sorry, begged me to carry on with him, said it was a dreadful time in his life (he was v physically unwell and the doctors were struggling to diagnose what was wrong, they've solved that now).

however, I am finding it so hard to trust him. Every time he does something that gives him the opportunity to not be here that wasn't planned, my heckles rise. I have never had a partner who has lied or cheated on me (as far as I know) so I'm finding this dynamic v hard to navigate. If anything, it's making me insecure which I'm not used to and then I'm becoming all clingy which is totally not like me. I'm an independent career woman who was single for 8 yrs before meeting dp - I run a big company, single handedly raised all my kids - and I'm finding this really difficult.

dp is on the face of it is a good partner. But he has this front that he is disorganised and chaotic and I can see now that he used that to hide the truth in our first year - so moving meetings, arriving late - I now think were because he was also managing his girlfriend's expectations. So when he behaves in that manner now, it makes me jumpy.

Is this going to get better? Should I give it a chance?

I wouldn't - but I won't accept any lying or bullshit now.
But this is entirely up to you.
Do you think he has cheated?
You are 5 years on, how has the relationship progressed?
Do you really love him?
Do you have loads of fun together?
Do you never have to worry about where he is or what he is doing?

No I don't think he has. It was just weird as I found out 4 yrs in when I was/we were blissfully happy. It honestly felt completely surreal finding out something that happened 3 years ago. I do love him and we have so much fun - I haven't laughed as much in a relationship. But I think internally there's a little piece of me that's gone because of this and I don't know if time will bring it back.

I personally think if he has given you no reason in the last however many years to doubt him then you shouldn't

He may have thought it was easier to not tell you he was still living with his ex girlfriend (wrongly so, but men🤦🏽‍♀️) but it doesn't mean he was still with her / sleeping with her

If you've had an honest conversation with him and you truly believe he hasn't cheated then I would try and move on from it op. If you really can't, then you need to tell him why you can't see past it and break from the relationship.

I get that it does play mind games on you and it isn't always easy to move past these things, but if you love him and have fun with him and there are no other trust issues there, leave the past in the past.

Good luck op!

I am so sorry op.

I would be concerned with the lying and the fact that your dp did not inform her of your existence. What excuses did dp give for you being unable to visit him in that year? I assume you did not visit.

Did they eat together or were they living like housemates?
Did they meet mutual friends together?
Why could he not tell her about you?

Of course you feel anxious, RayDoh. That was a whole year of deception and manipulation. Lying is a dealbreaker for me, so I wouldn’t continue a partnership with a man who is capable of such dishonesty.

I think I would need to speak to his ex girlfriend to find out what was really going on and then take it from there. He has lost your trust so you have to find a way of believing that at least what he said about the situation at the time was the truth. That they were split up. I think if they were just living together but not together, though not ideal that he was lying, I think I could get over that. If he was two timing then I dont think I would.