Is he making excuses?

[Mysterytome]

Apologies, this might be a long one.

I've been seeing a guy since just before lockdown. Stuck to all the social distancing rules until we could form a bubble (he lives alone and I'm a single mum)

Everything had been going great! We have the same sarcastic sense of humour, wanted the same things from life, feel like we've known each other forever.

Last weekend, DD was with her dad so DP came to stay at mine for the weekend. As we were going to bed, he spotted me taking a tablet and asked what it was. I was honest (no reason not to be) and said it was an antidepressant (that I'd been taking since a nasty split with DDs dad). Also said that I'd spoken to the GP and was coming off them as felt it was the right time. All fine, nothing more was said.

Hit me with a bombshell last night that he's not sure he can cope with the idea of me being on ADs. Had an awful time with his ex who was on and off ADs and treated him like crap and he's wary of being in the same situation again. Suggested we dial the relationship back a notch - knows he can't expect me to wait whilst he sorts his head out but doesn't want to lose me from his life. Life would be a 'darker place without me'.

I can understand a level of self preservation. That's natural after being hurt in previous relationships. He's a great guy, funny, romantic, caring, sensitive, handsome. We'd both agreed that we felt like the relationship really had the potential be be going somewhere. He's 51 & I'm 46 so we're hardly teenagers and both have baggage from previous relationships.

I try really hard not to tar every man with the same brush. After two abusive relationships, I'd never have another one if I did. So I guess I'm struggling a little with the fact that he can't see that I'm not her, that I'm coming off the meds anyway so what's the issue?

Is it a genuine fear of being hurt? Is it just an excuse as he doesn't want a romantic relationship anymore? If it's a genuine fear, how can I help him to process what he's feeling so that we can move forward together? If I'd said it was my hay fever tablet, I wouldn't be in this situation..... but honesty is important to me and I had no reason to lie.

He's not the guy for you.
You shouldn't have to explain it justify why you are taking medication. His reaction is not the one you want.
Sounds like he still has hang ups from his ex, which we all do at some extent, but it sounds like an excuse to me. I reckon it would have been something else if it wasn't that.

And also you don't need to help him process. He needs to do that himself.

I wouldn't bother investing any more time or effort in this relationship. He has his own prejudices regarding depression and anti depressants and you shouldn't have to worry about how you can 'fix them' for him.

Tell him you're sorry, but you're not his ex. If he cannot accept that, then you are moving on.

If he's been badly burned before then it is ok for him to be wary. He needs to educate himself though that there are many people taking AD for a wide variety of reasons.

Worth talking to him about or just walk away? I'm devastated tbh. I really thought he could be the one. Christ, that makes me sound like a complete sap.

Worth trying to sort out I'd say, he was honest with you and I can understand him being wary, not of you being on Ad's but generally wary of any behaviour from which he associates with an ex, we all do it to some degree. Perhaps when he's had chance to process what you have said and he can see that you're not going to go down the same path as his ex he will let his guard back down. The thing he needs to realise is that at some point in the future you may need to go back on them, or even heaven forbid, he may need to use them at some point in his life, and its how he might handle that rhat would make me worry

Mmm, I am in two minds here. Part of me thinks he's clearly got issues with depression and has had a bad experience so is unlikely to ever see that you are NOT his ex. Not all depression is the same (just like not all cancer is the same) and the impact is different for everyone, as is the process of healing/managing it.

Having said that, there are definitely things that DH and I respectively saw as huge issues in each other because of previous experiences. eg DH' habit of going to bed really late really really bothered me. Not because I had an issue with it in itself, but because I grew up with a mother who did this and was then largely useless in the mornings, let us down repeatedly because of tiredness etc. DH pointed out he isn't like that. Asked me to watch and see. And of course, he was completely right. But every fibre of my being was ready to walk away from the relationship because this was a (ridiculous, unreasonable) trigger for me.

I’d be disappointed by his response. It doesn’t bode well for how he’d cope with you experiencing a blip in your mental health- or his own as another poster has said! What if you were taking medication for physical pain?

Further, you’re not his ex and he shouldn’t be conflating you two. So I’d have to say I don’t think you should work this out with him but instead let him go to find someone who accepts you as you are.

Hi Op

So sorry to hear this.
I cnt see why he have a problem with you on antidepressants.

I get he had a rough time with his ex coming off of them.
But not everyone is the same.

Is this the first time he has stayed over?
Just go very carefully here, I would back off just a little and see what happens.
You sound such a genuine person
Take care

Hes had a very bad experience in the past and this has triggered all those bad memories and emotions. Let him process this but don't protest too much about it. These are his feelings and fears. All you can do is remain positive and show him that there is nothing to worry about. Don't chase him or do the pick-me dance. At least he has been honest and up front about how he feels and has asked for some distance. Give him that, if he comes back then great, if not then.....next!

Definitely worth talking about. If he's willing to engage about the situation, he's a good guy.

There are things that I would go "no way" about because of past experiences. I'd give him the benefit of the doubt here.

I'd be cautious with him, OP. Would he not be able to cope with someone taking Metformin or Insulin for diabetes?
Plenty of medical conditions can cause changes to your mood.
You need someone mature enough to handle your medical needs, whatever they might be.

I had an ex who objected to my use of anti depressants. Didn't think I needed them (he'd only ever known me using them) and then couldn't cope when I came off them, at his insistence. Couldn't cope with my silently sitting on the floor, staring at a wall for hours. Couldn't cope with me crying for no apparent reason. Couldn't cope with my suicide attempts. All of which he was warned about.

It's not anyones place to tell you how you should or should not be treated, but the person treating you.

Jesus, leave this man. What if you need to be on them again? Or any other meds for that matter. Is he just going to up and leave? Through sickness and health? Not marriage material, nor boyfriend material.

Having also had a relationship with someone who was on ADs I can understand his nervousness to be honest - I have to say a lot of the time that the person taking the pills "forgets" or has no idea of the effect their behaviour has on the other people in their lives - it's alright for them as they have ADs to help them through whereas the partner generally doesn't and has to deal with it the best they can. As a partner of someone on AD you don't get any support and there isn't anyone to talk to really as either the person taking them doesn't want others to.know or you get accused of being unsympathetic

I'd talk to him about his concerns and that everyone is different. Take it day by day/week by week.

Its not an uncommon view, there are regularly people on MN saying they would never date someone with a mental health illness.

Its upsetting, but it isn’t something you can change and you haven’t done anything wrong. Only he can change how he feels, you can’t and his feelings are not your responsibility.

Its something I have had to discuss with my partner, I’ve been fine for 3/4 years, but there will most likely be occasions when I am nowhere near fine.

I would give him one shot, and start by saying:

To assume that I would react in the same way as your Ex is a huge and sweeping assumption on your part. Like me saying that my Ex wasn't very nice therefore all blokes are evil.

If his reaction is anything other than 'yes you're right I've been a silly twat and I'm sorry', then you need to bin him off.

His issue probably isn’t with ADs but with his own resilience to be in another relationship with someone who suffers from depression.

If you look on the MH board, there will be posts from people who live with someone who has depression. Life is very difficult and draining for them. They are staying and coping because of long term love and commitment to that person.

They are good people. But I think if asked they would say they wouldn’t get involved with someone new who had depression.

I think you need to explain what your illness was like and how you interacted with others when you were ill.

@RLEOM

Jesus, leave this man. What if you need to be on them again? Or any other meds for that matter. Is he just going to up and leave? Through sickness and health? Not marriage material, nor boyfriend material.

Actually if he was the type of man to up and leave, he wouldn’t be bothered by her taking ADs. He knows he won’t and he worries he will have a difficult and painful time.

how can I help him to process what he's feeling

NO NO NO. Do not even try. It's HIS hang up to process. You'll soon be on eggshells round him if you start that game.