Sexless marriage? Please help

[floweringstar]

I've namechanged for this but am a regular MNer.

My husband and I are encountering difficulties in our sexual relationship. When we do have sex it is initiated by my husband. I am in my early 40s but on HRT so this has caused physical changes but my husband has brought lubricant/toys to help this. He has even tried to make me feel comfortable by saying he only wants to please me...at the time this seems to be the case but I know then from things he says after that it's not true. I realise I don't initiate sex in the way he would like me to and I now feel that if he brings out a sex toy that I should be grateful he wants to satisfy me. Even writing this I know I sound so ungrateful.

This may now sound like an excuse but want to give some background.

I've always had issues reaching out physically, even for a hug, and this is something I've been working on. It comes from a deep seated fear of rejection stemming back from childhood, which I know is nothing to do with my husband but somehow it still has an effect.

My ex husband was abusive and pressured me into sex several times or would get very angry if I refused. Called names/things thrown at me/held down/strangled/kicked out of bed etc. I left but didn't ever reveal exactly what happened but it caught up with me and came out a couple of years ago. I've been trying to cope with the aftermath of this since, including his arrest and having to face the reality of what happened during police interview. I'm currently undergoing counselling.

I also have a pelvic floor prolapse so things down below are not as good as they could be.

My husband is understanding of the menopause/my past/medical issues but I still feel so guilty.

I thought he understood but recently the frustrations are coming out and he comments that I am a "pillow princess"; how I will "never give more than I receive" and that "that door is now closed, we are in a sexless marriage". Tonight he gave an example of what sex with me is like and basically lay there. It hurts but he's right.

I am so confused and lost. I feel when he attempts intimacy I do enjoy it. I know I don't initiate but the comments are ringing through my head which makes me less like I want to do anything.

I love him so much. He makes me laugh like no one else does and my daughter adores him. I want to fix this but I don't know how. Would it be fairer for him to leave and find someone who can satisfy him like a real wife should?

Please please help if you can. I'm willing to listen to any advice as i know this is my fault.

Hey OP... I think your ex husband did a real number on you. It sounds like you’ve had a number of traumatic sexual experiences- no wonder you don’t want sex. Does you DH know the extent of what you have been through with your ex? What does he consider sexless? It sounds like a lot of pressure for sex but not a huge amount of intimacy like cuddles ( that lead nowhere). If you feel ready to tackle your sex issues then I would say a psycho sexual therapist would be the person to unpick what has been going on between you and how your past is impacting on your libido and sexual enjoyment. Whether that’s just you first and then the pair of you I don’t know but I think you should remove the expectation of any intercourses happening while you work through it all - take the pressure off.

Thank you @Divebar for replying so quickly.

He does know about what happened to an extent as was there during first police interview. I think he understands the physical impact, not sure of the emotional side though. When we first met the sex was amazing, explosive but that was before menopause, prolapse and the crap from my past came to light.

I think when he says sexless he is referring to any intercourse/sexual acts. I would be devastated if that is hugs too but even when we do cuddle (which again I know I don't initiate and actually hate myself for that) it may lead somewhere but then if I tense or flinch I always feel my husband is reacting to it in a negative way so then find myself thinking do I / don't I and it inevitably ends awkwardly/one or both of us upset in our different ways.

I would love the hugs only (selfish as I am) but know I need to progress to making out sexual relationship work. Any ideas how I locate such a specialist counsellor?

Thanks so much for your reply.

Was sex with your H ever different - when you met, for example?
Or were you ever different with any of your precious partners?

If this is not a change to how it has always been in your relationship - then your H is being unfair in expecting you to change.
If, however, it was different - then you can try to get back to how it used to be. Maybe use a counsellor?
It’s unclear from your post whether HRT or your ex-H is more of a root cause of your issues, or maybe it a combination of factors. Equally possible is that you have a low libido. At least lower than your H.
You probably won’t be able to resolve the issues on your own.
I don’t think you need to leave without trying to get to the bottom of this. Because every other relationship would be equally affected.

Even writing this I know I sound so ungrateful.

You really don't. Actually, he sounds annoying.

You experienced sexual trauma, have you seen anyone about this outside your marriage? You understandably are holding traumatic memories in your mind and body. Have you tried to have regular massage? Perhaps if you could enjoy your body in a relaxing way that didn't involve sex it could help with the healing of the past? What you experienced sounds horrendous and you seem to be pretty hard on yourself. Caring for your physical and emotional health and talking to your husband would seem to be the way forward.

@Wishingstarr I tried some mindfulness but couldn't switch off enough during it!

This situation is causing so much resentment I fear, he needs the physical side and although says the words that he doesn't mind everything else about him says he does. Which I understand, I do. I know it's me,I just don't know how to fix it.

Hi @MMmomDD when we first met we had great sex. Albeit he did the initiating but I absolutely was always available and I responded in the right way. I always enjoyed it and felt amazing to have such a considerate partner. I also made an effort to ensure he was pleasured too.

This was before the full picture of everything which happened with my ex came out. I also can't get rid of the pillow princess/can't give more than I receive comments he made to me, they circle around my head constantly. He stands by them and says that it's true and I meet the pillow princess definition as I lie back and take.

I honestly don't want it to just be like that, I want to be able to give too. I'm so upset and confused right now. He needs more than I can give I think.

He comments that I am a "pillow princess"; how I will "never give more than I receive" and that "that door is now closed, we are in a sexless marriage". Tonight he gave an example of what sex with me is like and basically lay there.

This is verbal/emotional abuse OP. And as you say, these comments definitely won't help him get a shag.

I've never heard that expression before. Wow in 24 yrs of marriage my husband has never said anything so mean and snidely. He is blaming everything on you. I don't see how that attitude is supposed to help you feel better after trauma. That's extremely passive aggressive.

I don’t know, OP. Sexual issues are often so hard to untangle as there are a lot of things that are mixed in there.
First of, I don’t think that he needs more than you can give.
Secondly - I think you both need to work on something to try to fix it.

Your side is complex. You say you managed to deal with your past issues before, when you and H met and had a good sex life. He didn’t know - but YOU did know about your ex at the time and managed to put that behind you and be in the present. Whatever happened to affect that - counselling might be able to help.
As to the ‘pillow princess’ comment - I think it’s more about how you are during the time when you do engage. It may be a bad way to describe it - but you seem to agree that in essence it is true and you are OK with a passive role of a receiver. Rather than being an active and equal participant. No partner, not even the most giving one would be ok with that in the long term.
But you seem to have fallen into that role and got used to that.
In a way - that bit is easiest to fix, if you are willing to try new things. You can try to talk to a sex therapist, but it’s not really a rocket science. You are a grown woman and you probably know what your H would enjoy. Or ask him? It may be even little things that may make a difference to him.
But generally - I think a good mental rule is - if he put in an effort for you to reach a climax - you should try to make sure he does as well. And it doesn’t need to mean that you have sex while not wanting to - but men are simple creatures in a way - and lots can be achieved by just being there and giving a helping hand.... pun intended.
If you are feeling more adventurous - and need more ideas - instructional videos are also there.

He on the other hand also needs to figure out his own issues. I don’t think it’s intentionally passive aggressive, it more likely an accumulation of something over time. In his mind - he created this image of a man who is only focused on woman‘s pleasure. But he doesn’t wants to please because he gets pleasure from that - he sort of does it to receive reciprocation (but can’t admit to himself?). So it comes out in some sort of passive aggressive + victim way.

It’d be much better if you two could communicate more freely and directly. But to achieve that - you both need to actually understand what’s going on with you individually.

He sounds very selfish and entitled. Perhaps he thinks you owe him sex. You don't.