Mil functioning alcoholic

[Eslteacher06]

DH has told me his parents used to get very drunk every night for as long as he could remember but particularly, his mum is quite an unpleasant drunk. It has affected my DH a lot. His father died 10 years ago so now his mum carries on drinking on her own.

She has given me and DH many drunken text messages that suggest we hate her and they wear thin. I barely have any respect for her now at her attempts to try and build a wedge between my husband and I. They have stopped now thankfully but the feels is still there.. We realized she drinks a bottle of wine when looking after the kids in the evening, and then drives home. We now have stopped her looking after them but now she's making us, but particularly me, to be the bad guys by "stopping her seeing her family"

I have seen her with black eyes and even a black face from falling over...three times in six months. She was hospitalised once for two fractures on her skull from banging her head into a wall 5 years ago. Most recently, she collapsed unconscious and inhaled vomit which meant she was blue lighted to hospital. However, once she woke up, she left as soon as she could by walking home in the rain with pneumonia. Apparently it was something and nothing.

Basically. I have no idea what to do. My husband and his family seem to get annoyed by it, but then carry on as normal. I don't want to do that, but then I look like the one dragging the bad situation on. DH knows his mum is a functional alcoholic and doesn't want to cut contact.

It causes so many arguments between us and I don't know what to do. Any suggestions?

You won’t change her. My mum is similar, hides it well, but won’t be without her wine and when we found the hidden bottles, that was it for us, no more babysitting. During the day, fab, lovely, but once 5pm hit, the wine came out.

There's not a thing you can do about this except keep her away from your children unless you are there to supervise.

That’s not functioning. She’s having falls and injuring herself because she’s that drunk. Does she drive as well?

I would encourage your husband to contact Al-anon as they are very helpful to people affected by another persons drinking. She is clearly not functioning but lurching from one crisis situation to another.

As for your own self I would continue to keep you and your kids well away from her, she is not a safe person to be around.

You can't control her drinking but you can prevent your dc from coming into harm by being unsupervised with her..
I am sure family members agree with your decision but are reluctant to support you irl.

Thanks for the replies. Thing is, she is fine when sober and doesn't drink before 6pm. But my god after that she knocks it back. So we don't ask her to babysit at night now.

You say keep the kids away, but my husband would see me as being unreasonable, even though he completely agrees about the drinking. He's so conflicted with it as he knows it's wrong but at the end of the day, this is his mother (this is his opinion).

@justilou1 she does drive. I know (in hindsight) she has driven home drunk from looking after the kids at night. I've told her she's not allowed to drink in front of me unless she wants me to embarrass her. That will make her hide it more, but it means I don't have to sit there and listen to her bullshit lies. Urgh.

See my description of a functional alcoholic would be someone who has an alcohol dependency but is otherwise functional i.e drinks every or nearly every night but doesn't become disinhibited (So doesn't send drunk messages), doesn't cause injury to themselves or anyone one else (falling over, getting black eyes, choking on their own vomit) and recognises that they can't drive under the influence.

They get home crack open the wine at 6 on the dot and have the bottle polished off before 10pm. Go to bed, wake up the next morning have a strong coffee and their weatabix and turn up at work on time and do their job.

I have lived this life. She died last year. I stopped seeing her 5 years before due to the abuse and behaviour.

My DH then saw her on her own - nothing social - she couldn’t get out as her mobility declined - just dropping off food / medicines for 10 mins in the mornings afternoons.

He took the kids on these visits if they wanted to go - but they soon stopped as she lived in “alcohol squalor” - that is how he was raised (his DF was the worst alcoholic I have ever seen - died 15 years ago) so it was his “normal” and he was somehow dysfunctionally enmeshed with the DM.

It’s his DM he can do what he wants with his siblings.

It’s your life and your DCs childhood comes first.

Stick to you guns - do not be guilted by the family in denial - they are all wrong - you are right.

This will just progress through more and more horrors - it will not get better at this age. Your DH has so much more shit (literally) coming his way.

Keep your DCs away.