How much arguing is normal?

[FiremanSpam]

I don’t have much experience of healthy functional relationships (my own or parents) so I’m wondering, at the start of a relationship, how much arguing is to be expected? I have been seeing a new man (both late 30s) and most things are going well expect for relatively frequent arguments that escalate before I know what’s happening. Normally it’s a misunderstanding and in the end it gets sorted, but I’m worried it’s too much in what is supposed to be the honeymoon period. His communication gets louder than I’m used to and that is an extra worry really. If I try to use humour to diffuse a tense conversation it doesn’t work because he doesn’t seem to get anything jokey once he’s wound up. It’s starting to get me down a bit m, but I also know that relationships take time and patience. I can be anxious and indecisive sometimes, so it’s not like I’m the easiest person to deal with. I’m just feeling upset about it because I want a happy ever after and it never seems to work and out. That does sound a bit childish on my part.

bin him! He has issues.

I am sure he doesn’t mean it to upset me
Of course he does.
It is to his advantage to do it.
And you are enabling it.
This is NOT OK at all.
There really shouldn't be any arguments at the start of a relationship.
You are finding out about each other.
Learning about each other.
Understanding each other.
Being kind.
Not arguing and shouting.
Massive red flags already OP.
You posted for a reason - trust your gut.
RUN - THE HILLS ARE THAT WAY >>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

Sorry I agree to get rid. It won't get any better.

He thinks that you are criticising him.

If he really does (mistakenly) think that you are criticising him all the time, then he believes that you are a critical person; he thinks he is a nicer person than you and does not like your character.

If he's just acting as if you are criticising him, then he is trying to make you feel bad, e.g. to make himself feel better in comparison, or because he likes the feeling of you apologising to him.

Neither scenario makes for a pleasant relationship, even before you get to the bit where he storms out, demonstrating that he's got to his late 30s without having learned how to control his temper.

I’d like to add ... To answer the question ‘how much arguing is normal?’ it really really depends. 2 mates of mine constantly bicker and argue and don’t even realise that that they do! I expect to hear an ‘oh sorry we’re arguing’ etc but it never comes. They’re happy as! They also bitch about one another all the time.

Another couple I know: he raised his voice at her once in 20 years and boy was he in the doghouse and he had to work very hard to get back in her good graces.

I’ll say what I wish someone had said to me (as I married someone who screamed & cursed at me & could never understand why it upset me so much). Forget about him! How do you feel? What is ok for you? What ate your dealbreakers?

*are

B for bin

Blimey if you haven't been with him for very long and you are arguing now, then the future does not bode well at all. Dump his ass.

I have been seeing a new man (both late 30s) and most things are going well expect for relatively frequent arguments that escalate before I know what’s happening.

being right or wrong is important to him. Being right becomes the priority

As soon as he feels criticised, which is never my intention, he changes massively. It’s made me feel upset a few times now. One minute we are having what fees lighthearted chat then suddenly I’ve said something that’s gone down badly and changes everything.

This is a recipe for disaster. You'll be walking on eggshells the whole time and it's only likely to get worse.

The rest of the time he is very nice and kind, so it’s not all bad.

Everyone is capable of being nice and kind some of the time.
My benchmark for relarionships are the arguments. A person who is still nice and kind enough during an argument is worth keeping. A nasty person during an argument, definitely not.

It's not the relationship that needs work here. It's him. And you can't change him. Only yourself. So, you have three choices:
1- never ever even remotely criticise him
2- put up with upsetting arguments in a frequent basis
3- walk away now.

how long have you been together?

He is volatile. Get rid.

Then because of the comment below - do loads of psycho education (loads on you tube and online about healthy / unhealthy relations) and maybe also seek some therapy - so that you are informed about appropriate behaviour and you know that you deserve kindness and respect at all times and anything else needs to go.

I don’t have much experience of healthy functional relationships (my own or parents)

Hie is abusive and controlling and he is training you to behave as he wants you to. Run as fast as you can.

I am sure he doesn’t mean it to upset me.

I am absolutely certain that he does.

Why else would he act like this?

I am sure he doesn’t mean it to upset me.

Can you see that this is like saying someone hit you but didn't mean to hurt you, they 'just' lost their temper?

Healthy, balanced relationships don't feature someone hurting the other whether it's intentional or not.

Especially early on, especially repeatedly, especially with no accountability.

You need to raise your bar to be happy.

Dump him, dump him, dump him. You're in a power struggle and he's teaching you not to challenge him. It's not going to get better OP, you have a dominator.

I’m really grateful to everyone who has taken the time to respond and help me think more clearly. There are no ties, it’s not complicated to walk away in practical terms. He doesn’t say abusive things (yet?) but the way in which I’m spoken to upsets me and that’s enough, isn’t it. Its also true that accepting it is enabling. It’s hard to think about starting again but I can see it is probably necessary. Thank you all so so much.

And better luck with the next one. Better to cut loses sooner.

the way in which I’m spoken to upsets me and that’s enough, isn’t it
That's exactly it, really. Whether it's deliberately intended or he doesn't notice he's hurt you/doesn't stop when you tell him ... if you don't like it, you don't have to put up with it. There are many, many people out there who will manage to get through the day without trampling on your feelings. You don't have to choose the one who does.

Relationships should enhance your life, not drag it down. If he's like this now, imagine life with him in the future.

This behaviour often does escalate over time in my experience.

These words are so wise for relationships & friendships. I have a friend who I feel bad for cutting contact with but she hurt my feelings one too many times:

There are many, many people out there who will manage to get through the day without trampling on your feelings. You don't have to choose the one who does