Was this normal ish for the 80s?

[WhoisRebecca]

I’ve recently started processing my relationship with my mum and events from my childhood. I’ve started therapy and some things have resurfaced. I remember mum having a decorative samurai sword on her wall. When she argued with my stepdad, it would sometimes turn violent. Once, aged around 6, I got in between them and got a busted lip. I vividly remember the blood on my white nightie. I hid the sword under the sink because I was scared they would use it on each other.

I’m reading this back, thinking - of course it wasn’t normal.

If my stepdad left in the early hours, mum would drag me out of bed at 3 in the morning, aged four, to go searching the streets. She didn’t drive, so we would walk with me in pyjamas.

She once put a red towel on her head and pretended to be the devil because I had been naughty. She loved horror films and I watched them from about 8.

In my early teens she would bring me with her while she met the men she had affairs with, so my stepdad wouldn’t suspect.

She’s not a great mum or grandmother now. Dd2 won’t see her as she once tried to play oujia with her!! She did that to me as a child. She is distant and thankfully has no unsupervised time with the dc, but doesn’t see to care either way. It broke my heart when grandparents were posting about how much they missed the gc over lockdown and I realised she didn’t care at all. I’m trying to process and I’m not even sure where I’m going with this rambling post. I haven’t gone NC but I’m not sure if I should. She can sometimes be very nice and I’m not in the same place I was as a child.

I happened too often I'm afraid 😟
It wasn't considered 'normal' though, just no one thought to step in.

I was thinking that. My aunty was saying ‘yes I remember you used to hide the sword’ and I wondered why that was seen as ok back then.

No, it wasnt normal.for the 80s.

Your mum sounds off the bracket.

I like the phrase ‘off the bracket’ @GilbertMarkham.

She’s now very young looking and beautiful after multiple surgeries. She likes to call me Saffy after the character in Ab Fab. Of course Edina was an abusive mother also.

My dm had a baseball bat.
And a truncheon.
I saw that truncheon in the sort of photos no dc should ever see..

I am nc and have been for 20 years just about.
She also had many affairs and encounters..

Reminds me of a friends mum when I was growing up in the 80s, she would walk the streets looking for her husband that had strayed, no mobile phones then.
I was allowed with my friends to watch horror movies too, people seemed a bit more relaxed then.

However you did have a very traumatic childhood and that's not nice or normal for any era, I hope your therapy can help you heal

I have very low contact with my mother, she basically has no interest in seeing me or my children apart from sending birthday cards, I haven't seen her in 5 years so I sympathise

No that was not vaguely normal for the 80s. Or even the 70s! I never did any of those things then

That’s awful OP, I can’t even imagine putting my DD through that, I feel tearful at the thought. I think you are right to go NC, have you had any counselling?

I like the phrase ‘off the bracket’

That was me being rather diplomatic .

OP I was born in the 60s and have a somewhat difficult relationship with my mother whom I now realise is a classic narcissist who had difficulty maintaininglong term relationships and friendships.

However, no, what you suffered absolutely wasn't normal for the 80s. Or the 60's, 70's 90's, 00's 10's. Not your fault. Hope the therapy helps.

She’s now very young looking and beautiful after multiple surgeries. She likes to call me Saffy after the character in Ab Fab. Of course Edina was an abusive mother also.

I know this is the most clichéd call ever but I can't help it .. narc, narc, narc, narc .... Did I mention narc?

Not normal truly awful 💐

She is a classic narc. It’s only now I’m really beginning to process it. She isn’t capable of showing love for anyone else.

@Feralkidsatthecampsite I’m so sorry you went through that.

Mines quite similar - again in the 80s.

I thought I was the only person in the world who went with their mother while they were knocking off their secret lover..... (my mum obvs!)

My mother is classic narc. Still is and always will be albeit slightly mellowed with age.
I had the opportunity to go NC a few years ago after low contact, sometimes I wish I had done.

I've had counselling and it helped for a time but I think I need it again.

I'm NC with my narcissistic "D" M.
Not like yours, but not normal for other reasons.
It's not an 80s thing - it's a Narc DM thing happening everywhere, everyday.

OP, it was not normal for any era.
Go NC if it helps - do what you need to do - the therapy will help you.
Good luck

I haven’t told the counsellor all of this stuff, weirdly and irrationally, I feel she will judge me. I find it embarrassing.

Of course they won't judge, and there's nothing to feel embarrassed about, it wasn't your fault.

It's quite liberating saying it out loud to a person totally unconnected to your life.

Not normal

I’m an 80’s child
No. Not normal at all

You need to take a deep breath and start telling the counselor. They've heard it all before but they can't start to help you unless you can open up to them.

weirdly and irrationally, I feel she will judge me. I find it embarrassing
And this is exactly why you DO need to tell your therapist about it.
You did nothing wrong at all.
You should not feel embarrassed. You need to tackle that in your safe space, so please do talk about it with your counsellor.
All of that is appalling behaviour from your mother.
I hope you can unpick through it all.

I totally understand why you're embarrassed by it - my mother is a narcissist and my dad enabled - I used to feel the same. I still have periods of shame about it.
BUT, it's not your fault, you were a child and she should've protected you.