To feel a bit betrayed ..

[Kelcat9494]

Hello,

This is me probably being super dramatic but it's why I wanted to post it here for some advice before I argued with my husband:

I suffer from borderline personality disorder and
struggle with maintaining friendships and knowing what to do with social cues etc

Bit of back story my DH has been friends with "Sam" for awhile before he met me so then he met me and "Sam" met his wife "Jodie" anyway everything was fine, they are a little bit fickle in the sense they won't do anything if me and DH ask but would expect us to do things they asked to do etc so over lockdown I asked "Sam" if him and "Jodie" would like to do something after lockdown and he was a bit fickle and his usual self but I was going through a bit of the breakdown (which may have been due to early pregnancy hormones as well as BPD) so I thought I was being annoying and that I'd end up losing my husband his friends so I deleted "Sam", "Jodie" and some more of my husbands friends off of Facebook as I felt I was being annoying (I was having a real pity party) but a couple of days later I felt better, my mood had adjusted so I re-added "Sam" and "Jodie" as I thought we were friends and I was going to explain myself and apologise but they blocked me which fair enough, I know it was my fault and I'm not denying that, mental health is hard so I was like okay yeah fair enough and left them to it, "Sam" kept in contact with DH and has invited him round for tea and games on Saturday with a few friends and "Jodie", I of course am not invited (again fair enough) so my husbands asked me if I'm okay with him going and honestly no, I'm not okay with him hanging out with people who have me blocked on Facebook plus my husband works Sunday - Thursday 4pm-12am and I work 8am-6pm so we don't see each other as it is and I've been suffering with HG so we haven't been intimate or acted like a married couple in about 6 weeks but I don't want to be the controlling type but I have sulked a bit and told him to go have fun and I'll go to our gender scan by myself. I know I'm being out of order and I know it's my fault but I just feel a bit betrayed he wants to hang out with people who (rightly so) don't like me. I know I'm being immature and I don't know if it's my BPD or if I'm having a bad day but I'm just so worried they'll bad mouth me to DH. I don't know it just makes me feel weird.

Please can people tell me to get a grip and not everything is about me please

Aww I’m sorry you’re having such a hard time. It’s so hard being pregnant, then BPD and HG?! You must be having a really tough time. I think you need to step back, you know saying stuff like no gender scan etc is out of line. Take a deep breath, explain how you feel and ask you DP to explain the events to his friends. Realistically, if they’re his true friends they’ll have to welcome you back eventually as you’re going to be the mother of his child. MH is such a challenge and some people need to be educated about it and how and why that makes people do certain things. I do think you need to apologise to your dp for Getting so snappy. Also- try and change your narrative- it’s not that they don’t like you because of this event, they don’t like the behaviour. My MIL once deleted me off fb and I didn’t have her back for almost a year. To me deleting someone is very rude and I won’t play games like that. I still saw her and bore no grudge, I just didn’t want to have her deleting me every 5 mins. You’ll be ok. You don’t have sway over how people keep relationships with your dp, just focus on you and how to feel the best you can rn. Thinking of you x

Please can people tell me to get a grip and not everything is about me please

With love, yes not everything is about you - I say that with kindness to make you feel better, not in an accusatory way. This is something you'll have to ride out and give time as it is your issue unfortunately. You sound more self aware than anyone I know with BPD which is fantastic, so give it time and let this one play out naturally. I'm sure in time you'll be fine with them, but pushing it with them will make it awkward so I would just back off and remember that him going to see them is not a gross betrayal, it's a sign of a healthy and secure couple able to spend time with people apart and together.

I don't know anything about BPD but your behaviour is very childish - to unfriend them and then refriend them on facebook (next time just unfollow) is very pretty and what's the point really, unless you wanted to make a very clear point? And telling the father of your child not to come to the gender scan is also not on.

I think in order for your husband to continue being friends with them, maybe going over and apologising to them and even explaining a bit about what's going on may make them understand why you behaved liked that?

Sorry, I’m confused- have you told him not to come to a scan, or has he asked not to go so that he can see his friends? If it’s the latter then he is being an arse.

However he should be able to see these friends. You acknowledge yourself that you’ve caused this situation. Perhaps you could contact them to explain and apologise, or ask him to speak to them on your behalf if you’re comfortable with that? I wouldn’t stop my husband seeing friends in this situation- I don’t think the friends have done anything wrong really, although I probably wouldn’t have blocked you. I’ve had a few friends who delete and re-add on a whim, and eventually stopped accepting them because it is annoying.

If you’re ok with them knowing, explain the situation, and ask to move on.