How would you deal with this behaviour.

[ChristmasinJune]

Hi! Hoping for some good advice here as I'm crap at relationships, have been single for the last 7 years due to believing that I just can't "do" successful relationships. Just recently I've been thinking about getting out there again but would like to do thinks differently and be.... well, better I suppose. Anyway this person (female if it matters) is the one that family and friends consider my "best" and the one that got away. I ended it largely because of this, I'll give examples but it was constant.

Always in the company of friends or family she was bubbly, funny, charming and everybody loved her.

1. She said "oh I do all the cooking my our house, poor old June doesn't have a domestic bone in her body"

Reality: I enjoy cooking, she wouldn't let me cook, turned her nose up at everything I made and insisted on making her own anyway, then always left the kitchen an absolute state for me to clear up.

1. She said "Well I've been on the go but poor old June seems to need constant naps to get her through the day."

Reality I had a young baby, got up through the night, up for the day at 5.30am and had one quick nap mid morning whilst the baby slept. She slept through every night and laid in bed until 10am.

1. She said "June knows she's tone deaf but the choir keeps her out of trouble so what harm can it do?

Reality, I run the choir, it's large and quite successful, she never took any interest so wouldn't know that. My voice is ok, not a superstar but not tone deaf either.

Any attempt to defend myself quickly resulted in me looking moody, argumentative or spoiling the atmosphere.

So, sorry for the long thread.... is there a good, witty, lighthearted way to respond to this sort of thing without looking like the moody prat who ruined the evening?

Your family thought she was your best because of how she was in front of them when actually she was putting you down and making you feel rubbish. I don’t think there is a way to respond to it without saying stop putting me down or we’re done. That’s not a relationship to try and replicate.

I think she sounds like she didn't have a lot of respect for you OP. From what you say I think you were right to end it, you did deal with it properly. She shouldn't have been speaking to you like that. It's really easy for people on the outside to judge, especially if she was as charming as you describe, but they don't know the reality of your relationship.

Get back out there (if you want to!) and find someone better!!

I wouldn't deal with this behaviour at all because I'd be gone. If your family really thinks this person was the best partner you've had, I would be questioning their standards.

She sounds like a bit of a dick who can't help but play the saviour even when people are perfectly fine without her. I would roll my eyes if I heard her speaking about someone I cared about like that, but unfortunately people who are that disingenuous type of bully can fly under the radar. Rise above - when they go low, we go high - but don't give her opportunity to keep being involved in your life.

I don't understand. Is this woman your ex girlfriend, and your family are still in touch with her?

@HollowTalk

I don't understand. Is this woman your ex girlfriend, and your family are still in touch with her?

She's my ex yes, my family aren't in contact with her but will sometimes say "oh you'll never find somebody like Erica" or "it's a pity you let Erica get away, is she still single?"

She's on my mind just now because I feel like I messed that relationship up and I'd like to not mess up another one.

Thanks everybody else for your comments, it's helpful to see that other people would have walked away too.

I get a lot of "nobody's perfect" type wisdom from family when I'm talking about wanting to get out there again.

OP if she was the best I'd hate to hear of the worst.

You did the right thing, if people keep bringing it up then tell them what she was really like!

'You'll never find somebody like her again'

'Well, seeing as she was lazy, hypercritical, manipulative and fooled you lot with her Lovely Girl Act, I bloody well hope not'.

I think this situation is not uncommon. Where friends and family (the ones who aren't very close to you) will not quite get why you split with and ex. As pp's have said it's often the ones who were lovely in public. So they think she was great because they didn't know her.

Could you say we broke up for a reason so obviously didn't work that well together. It's not too cutting but also does indicate to leave the subject. Are you closervto anyone who says this? Could you talk to them privately?

Personally it sounds like you are doing a lot to spare their feelings and they're not that bothered about yours. If it were me next time I'd say actually she used to put me down a lot you just didn't see it. But if you want a more tactful way to approach it maybe try my other suggestion.

'You'll never find somebody like her again'

'Thank fuck for that!'

She delighted in putting you down. Splitting up was the right thing.

You shouldn't have to constantly fight your corner or bite back with a partner, and if you do, it's not right. I wouldn't try to learn ways to fight back with this sort of thing - in the long run, this kind of behaviour is emotional abuse and not worth putting up with.

Honestly, OP, tell them how ruddy awful she was!

OP, she was gaslighting you. You need to research that particular style of insidious abuse and how that affects your self esteem and make sure you never let it happen again!

You did the right thing by letting her go OP. She doesn't sound like a nice person at all- more narcissist. Get out there and start afresh. Hold on strong to your values and don't settle with the 'Erikas' of the world.

Thank you!! This relationship has been a bit of a Stone on my shoe for a while now, as I've always felt I was in the wrong somehow. So it's reassuring to hear people say that it just wasn't right for me.

Why is it so hard for families to stick with their own?
If anyone would criticise me to my family they would start apologising for me and be very embarrassed that they brought to this world a person who doesn't like to iron clothes for example...

Not sure if it's a family thing or just my family but there is a bit of a tendency to create a black sheep and put them down quite a bit. In a very light hearted jokey way but still.....

The black sheep was me for many years but has now passed on to my nephew who gets "teased" more than I'm comfortable with.

Your family sound awful op :(

I think maybe tell them person once or twice after a comment like that that it's not ok.

After that, dump.

It is emotional/verbal abuse.

I'm not very assertive so I would be telling the person their comment wasn't ok once we get home (if at all.) But a more assertive person might reply immediately.

Erica - 'poor old June seems to need constant naps to get her through the day.'

June- 'I'm up with the baby all night, while lucky Erica sleeps through. I get one nap while the baby's asleep.'

@bronzedgodesswannabe

Your family sound awful op :(

They're not awful we're a very loving family in a lot of ways. But the teasing thing that happens isn't nice, I admit that

So tell them next time they do this.

Actually Erica was quite manipulative and unpleasant. But she was very good on putting on an act to make people think that she was amazing. So actually I really hope I don't meet someone like her again.

And start sticking up for your nephew.

Teasing ...

Bullying.

She sounds like a right c u next Tuesday.

Your family don't know her (and they sound quite bullying and victimising themselves anyway).

This goes on in my DPs family to a certain extent, unfortunately he is often the butt of extend family jokes. I make a point of always standing up for him and to be honest they have stopped it to a certain extent (in my company at least).
DP does it to me sometimes too, he is also held up in this when he tries it. For example yesterday at his parents he commented that if I hadn't finished my MBA by the time we go away on holiday in June next year, he wouldn't 'let me' go. My response was, oh you mean the holiday I booked and paid for with my money for you? I'll be going on my own then. Cue - sheepishly look and backtracking.
The only way to tackle unnecessary teasing is to tackle it as it happens and make the teasers feel uncomfortable too.
However, in the case of your ex, I agree with everyone else, not a good match for you (or a very nice person given your explanation of her).

Oh Jesus I had a mate like this. Narcissist. Her dad was too which was how I worked it out - blocked and never looked back.

Look, people are stupid. They get sucked in. There's little you can say apart from 'we weren't a good fit. She was very different with me than you' it ruins your confidence. It's all so underground you wonder if you are imagining it - you're not.