Why am i jealous of this?

[Timefortomatoes]

Last year i dated a guy who had previously been a friend for a few months. We broke up because once I started dating him I noticed things about his personality that i hadn't seen as a friend. He often came across as selfish and lacking in empathy, and there were times when he didn't seem to have any interest in my life. We also had quite different long term goals.

Now he is dating someone new and either she is dating a different version of him to me, or she is incredibly tolerant and prepared to overlook all the things I had a problem with. However, whenever i hear about them dating, usually through mutual friends, I get jealous. For example, they are going to the coast this weekend, and as soon as I heard i thought, why can't I have a fun trip to the seaside with him? I don't want to date him again, but I feel like I wasn't good enough as a girlfriend because he now seems to be treating someone better than he treated me.

Why do women do this?

I introduced a friend to a work colleague they dated a short while and she dumped him.

A couple of years later he married someone else and as soon as friend found out he was engaged she started texting him.

Stop talking about your ex with friends, he wasn’t for you, move on.

He's probably just realised, because of you, that if you're selfish in relationships you get dumped.

You’re different people, maybe he likes/ clicks better with her?

She suggested the trip, not him?

I think what you have to understand is that you only get one life and you wouldn't be living your best life with this man. He's selfish.

It is pretty unlikely that he has changed. People don't change that much. Not without commitment and doing the emotional work to improve yourself and you can speculate all day about why this relationship is working but it doesn't really matter. Your life is away in the opposite direction. And your missing it by focusing on these two.

Shake yourself off, start thinking about your life and what you want to do. You fancy a day at the coast? Phone a friend and make a plan. Think about where you want to go and how you're going to get there. Keep busy till you get over this minor bump in the road.

Before you dated him, what did you think of the way he treated his girlfriends OP?

This has an enormous red flag waving for me and you are blessed to be out of the relationship. My stbxh of 20 years is acting the way you describe your ex, taking his new girlfriend on lovely romantic trips, having a wonderful loved up adventure, nothing is too much trouble etc. BUT, I can say that, with regard to your ex, the selfishness/lack of empathy and interest in your life are very probably the real him that as a friend you didn't get to see. Many mutual friends of myself and stbxh/his colleagues/family etc. think that he is a saint, and have no idea he emotionally abused and intimidated me for many years before I found the courage to leave. The way your ex is acting is nothing to do with something you are lacking, and everything to do with him. So he may be treating her better now, but it can't last because that isn't who he is.

Sometimes, despite the hell he put me through, I still find I am feeling jealous of this new romance, and I have to remind myself that none of it is real, it is a performance. It is like being jealous of a mirage.

She’s probably a bit easier going, willing to forgive people a few bad habits and more willing to trust her instincts that he likely means well, rather than focusing immediately on minor faults and how they affect ‘me’. Perhaps.

People can be different with different people, yes your fundamental beliefs are the same but you quite often end up doing different things and in a way you may not have before.
Why take it personally you just weren't compatible.

I was with someone for 7 years, broke up 2 years ago, my decision.

He was (still is) in a relationship which he started within 6 months of the split. I'm jealous, not because I want him, but the imagined outcome. I want the relationship not him, and how come she can have it with him and I couldn't...well because he was obnoxious, sarcastic, overbearing, controlling.

Clearly he's either had a lobotomy, or she accepts those traits and I couldn't.

But I do understand

1. People behave differently in different relationships

1. If it ended, there was a reason so it would t have been the right relationship for you regardless

1. No good can come from what ifs when it comes to exes

I jokingly called myself "the one before the one" for years because it seemed every longish term (2-4 years) I had ended then the guy would be married with kids to someone else within 18 months or so.

They weren't the right person for me, I wasn't the right person for them. That's it. You say you had different life goals. So be thankful you don't have to try and balance that knowledge with still being him. That's reason enough for a relationship to end regardless of anything else.

Typo sorry meant to say:

2. If it ended, there was a reason so it wouldn't have been the right relationship for you regardless

You are not her so his interactions with her are going to be different and your expectations and hers will also be different. I dated someone directly before the partner I have now and the entire dynamic of the relationship is different.

We're all looking for a partner who is a good fit; nobody is perfect but we individually set ourselves the level of imperfection which we will accept.