Triggering - sexually abused by other child

[NancyNC2020]

Namechanged for this. Please be kind, feeling very vulnerable.

Struggled recently with memories of being sexually abused at 9yo by older 14yo girl. I've buried it for years but since having a baby it seems to have resurfaced. I think I've told myself for years as she was also a child it wasn't abuse and I was to blame, but now I keep thinking about it and feeling angry at my family for not protecting me. It would devastate them and not sure if I can bear to bring it all up now.

I was so young, I feel like my childhood innocence was stolen from me.

I'm so sorry that this happened to you.

I had to reply and hope you don't mind that I've named changed as I've been a MN for years but your post struck a deep chord.

Although I've read about child-on-child abuse (as part of my job & safeguarding training) I've never seen an account where the perpetrator was female.

In a way, I'm so relieved that you've been brave enough to put it on here...I have never been brave enough!!

Pretty much the same thing happened to me. I was 6 and my abuser was a 13 year old girl. I know this for sure as a song came out that year that my abuser played constantly on a record player (that's how long ago it was!!). If I hear that song now it brings it back vividly.

She was the daughter of my childminder. I've never told my own parents as they would be devastated as they placed me in that house. My DH does know though and I have told a handful of friends.

I'm very aware that she was probably sexually abused too but it's still very difficult.
I think having my first DC brought it back too.

Holding your hand. Have you told anyone IRL? If you want to PM me or discuss on here, I'm listening...

The abuse you suffered was in no way your fault.

Abuse thrives on secrecy and this will continue to eat away at you.

Please consider speaking to NAPAC when you are able to do so; their link is here:-
napac.org.uk/

I’m so sorry that happened to you.

The difference between child sexual abuse and peer on peer sexual abuse is that social services would have been concerned for both parties. What had the 14yo been exposed to that made her do that?

What happened to you was in no way your fault though.

@holdingyourhand so sorry it happened to you too. Sounds v similar. Having a child seemed to bring it all back up as I have some anxiety about all the dangers that could befall him. I think because it was a girl I talked myself out of seeing it as abuse for years and then felt complicit and ashamed. Like you I'd only really heard of male children doing this. But I still remember that sick panicked feeling when I knew I had to see her. She was the daughter of my mum's friend and babysat. She was in my life for about 7 years but the abuse happened over maybe a year when I was 10ish. I can't remember what made it stop. My mum would be devastated, although I feel angry at her she has been unwell and I can't imagine telling her I now. Despite always being very close I've not managed it yet! I've recently told my husband but can't talk to him about it easily. I told my therapist today! Exhausted. 20 plus years of silence and just telling people.

@BeingATwatItsABingThing she had a pretty chaotic home life I think, only know the vague details as I was young. She ended up pregnant at 16 which probably coincided with the end of the abuse of me. She mercilessly bullied me for years on top of the abuse but I do understand how it could have happened and social services probably should have been involved.

@AttilaTheMeerkat thanks for the link, had been looking for a helpline.

Hopefully this thread will if nothing else raise awareness that young girls do also abuse and help others. Not sure where to go with this now.

I talked myself out of seeing it as abuse for years and then felt complicit and ashamed

I'm so sorry this happened to you.

If happened to me too. Well, not exactly.
I was about 4 or 5, the perpetrator only 2 years older.

As an adult, I wonder what on earth happened to him.
But then it hurt me too.
I too felt so ashamed, so complicit. Just .. ashamed.
Nothing to offer but solidarity

she had a pretty chaotic home life I think, only know the vague details as I was young. She ended up pregnant at 16 which probably coincided with the end of the abuse of me. She mercilessly bullied me for years on top of the abuse but I do understand how it could have happened and social services probably should have been involved.

Honestly, I can’t imagine how awful that must have been for you growing up. I’m glad you feel able to talk about it now even if it’s only to certain people.

I have no idea how serious the abuse you are referencing is... I know as a child I had a couple of "weird" incidents with children around my age or a bit older/younger that could have been called sexual abuse but I'm not sure id say it was exactly that. Only you know how it makes you feel. I went to therapy for childhood issues and dragging up all those memories did me nothing but harm. In the end it was best to move on and accept that my life had turned out okay regardless of things that have happened to me. Many therapists will keep you crying in their offices for months with no resolution just to line their own pockets. Sounds blunt, but just my two cents. if you got this far through life without thinking about it, it might say more about the state of your life now - are you struggling with work, family, covid etc? our brains work in strange ways sometimes.
If you want to work with a therapist, I'd recommend going to them with a clear goal in mind - to be able to move forward and stop thinking about it. Hope that helps

@NancyNC2020 I know that sick feeling you describe exactly. Exactly. I remember it so so clearly.

Like you, my abuser was a bully. She hated me (or seemed to) then liked me but sometimes drafted in her friends to bully me. I was only 6 and wanted her to like me. I don't remember too many specific memories of the bullying, I just remember the feeling of being utterly miserable and crying when I had to visit that house and they hid from me or 'teased' me. The abuse however is crystal clear as it felt so wrong.

Dillo, I'm sure you don't mean to, but I'm sorry but I feel like you are minimising this. I do know what you mean about 'weird' things that children can do but if OP's abuse was along the lines of mine, there were absolutely no grey areas. It was sexual abuse. My abuser knew exactly what she was doing and what she forced me to do. As an adult, I am utterly horrified. Even at that age I knew that it was wrong. God knows where she got it from though.

Children are capable of horrific things (and I know that this is very often due to being abused themselves.)

Don't want to go into detail but the abuse I suffered was definitely sexual, definitely not just kids messing about and was truly horrendous. I still remember the hot tears on my face and the feeling of being utterly powerless and dirty and ashamed.

I think having your own children really makes you reevaluate things. Therapy may be an option. It's something I've considered but have never been brave enough to do. I just don't want to open that box in my head really. It's there but I don't think about it often and can safely push it away when it occasionally appears. Until today, I've never breathed a word on MN about it until your post OP. Don't know why. It's a horrible little secret that I'm really not sure how to tackle.

Sorry for the essay!!!
Finally, OP, it really wasn't your fault. Your feelings are absolutely valid. There's a whole raft of issues here, not least that as the abuser was a child, this is so much more complicated than 'sexual abuser = evil.' as happens with adult abusers. Child-on-child is such a taboo, emotive subject.

Big hug for you love.

Sorry if I seemed insensitive. I wish I never opened pandoras box and am trying to prevent another person going through lots of therapy without a clear goal in mind for moving forward, that's all I meant. Didn't mean to minimise x

Ok @Dillo10 , I'm sorry too. Hope I didn't upset you. Thank you.

for you too. Sounds like you've had a tough time.

@Justathinslice we have to be kind to ourselves I think and remind ourselves that children cannot be complicit in abuse. Shame and secrecy is a horrible festering wound.

@holdingyourhand

@Dillo10 sorry you've had hard times too, think more people than we realise have. I understand what you are saying and up until now I rarely thought of it and tried not to when I did. I have social anxiety and bouts of depression, I can't know if these episodes of abuse contributed to this so it's not been all fine and dandy until this. My brother took his own life when a teen also so there is a lot of trauma. I know he was inappropriately touched once by this girl but I am not sure if that was the extent of it. The more I talk about it all the more I think 'what a fucking shit show!' But recognising the trauma allows me to be kinder to myself. My mum mentioned this girl recently and apologised she never knew about the bullying - she has been discussing it with her therapist. Also my nan, who was a rock around this time, is dying so I think it just bought it all back up. It was a difficult few years in my childhood after my parents divorced, my dad was abusive and my mum struggled with her MH after she left him. Despite this, I have built a good life and am focussing on that and making this my story rather than what happened iyswim.

@holdingyourhand they get into your head don't they, warp what's happening. Everyone thought she was lovely and trustworthy, felt sorry for her because things were hard. Good luck on whatever you decide to do. I'm not sure how I even got here l, I never intended to discuss it, was getting help with social anxiety and it just came out! Not sure where it will go and how I feel about it. Whatever you decide to do, I am sending you love.