Should I try to stop the divorce? Help!

[Maisie54321]

DH and I have had problems for a couple of years... a combination of poor communication, his work being ridiculously busy, money worries, demanding children, no outside support, no dates, barely there sex life, ill parents, death of a parent, etc, etc.

Everything is very amicable between us and we decided to divorce. Since then (mid May) we have got on a lot better and I’m wondering if this is a huge mistake. I’m seeing glimpses of who we used to be and I can imagine a positive future for us.

I don’t know whether to say anything to him or not because I’m not sure know he feels. I’m inclined to think he would say no to getting back together. We have already started the divorce, remortgaging the house and he has had an offer accepted on a flat that he’s keen on.

I thought splitting up was what I wanted but I wanted to split from the man he was for the past 2 years. Now he’s being my old husband again (glimpses) and I don’t know what to do.

My fear is that I have come this far and maybe I’m just scared and having a wobble. A lot would need to change on his side: helping out more, communicating better, etc, but I think he could do this if I was really trying too.

What do you think?

Talk to him. What does he want?

If work/life balance during lockdown has made life better, then is he willing to change his career permanently to save your marriage?

I’ve found during lockdown that I am so much less stressed, and family life is so much better, that I’ll be adjusting my career because the money just isn’t worth it.

You wouldn’t be the only one to want permanent change

I've heard of couples before who find they get on better after the decision to divorce. It doesn't mean the marriage can be rescued, just that the pressure is off and they can find a way back to being friends.

I'm not saying this is necessarily the case for you but have things changed in the fundamentals? What behaviour in you do you think would effect this permanent change in him? (You say A lot would need to change on his side: ..but I think he could do this if I was really trying too. ) Is that really realistic?

Maybe re-evaluate once he has moved out. I guess this will be before the divorce is finalised, so there will still be time to put the brakes on if you want to?

I think o would let him move out and have the children regularly.

He can then see what he needs to do in terms of housework cooking and looking after the kids, while you get a well deserved rest.

You can then start again on a more equal footing.

Being in different t homes won’t harm. If it’s meant to be you’ll work our out

Perhaps he’s a better person because he can see an end to it and he’s looking forward to his new life ?

You need to talk.

It sounds like things are better because you’re both happier apart. Won’t the problems with sex will likely still be there if you got back together? It sounds like you will have an amicable co-parenting relationship now, which is good.

Also you mention you don’t think he will want to - why is that? You say the breakup was mutual, but did one person instigate it first, then it became agreed upon? If it was totally mutual it sounds like a lack of passion for a romantic relationship on both sides...

Maybe you are just good friends now?

You could ask him, but in my experience if a man wants to be with you, they will say so. If he seems chilled out & happy, it may be because he is happier separated. You could bring it up, will it set you back if he declines?

I think if you feel this way you need to sort it out now, or you will find it a lot harder to send the kids off with him when he has a new GF etc

@SteelyPanther

Perhaps he’s a better person because he can see an end to it and he’s looking forward to his new life ?

You need to talk.

I was thinking this, too.

He’s totally able and capable to look after the children and to help around the house. He’s actually very domesticated. He didn’t do those things over the past couple of years for a few reasons: lack of pride in the relationship/home, I didn’t pull him up on it enough because I didn’t feel like we were a team anymore, he was busy and possibly a bit depressed.

The divorce has to go through before the remortgage/purchase. Then he has a couple of months of decorating and new bathroom/kitchen on his place and moves out in January.

If work/life balance during lockdown has made life better, then is he willing to change his career permanently to save your marriage?
Lockdown actually made everything much worse and in March - May it brought everything to a head. Only since late May, since we decided to split, have things been better and we’re talking more and warmer/kinder to each other.

What behaviour in you do you think would effect this permanent change in him?
It’s me that needs to change. If I was more committed to the relationship, warmer, more loving, raised my expectations of his behaviour then he would respond by being more loving back. I have spent the past 2 years distanced from him.

Perhaps he’s a better person because he can see an end to it and he’s looking forward to his new life?
Yes, this is very likely and is the main thing stopping me from saying anything.

I think what I have realised is that my love for him is dependent on him being loving and nice towards me. When he’s cold and distant towards me, my feelings for him wane. Is that just a healthy conditional love or should I love him just as much even when he has withdrawn from me?

I agree that it's likely he's happier because he's looking forward to the future. It's a shame but otoh good that the two of you can have an amicable separation.

Speak to him honestly. Say that you are seeing the old him which is who you fell in love with. See what he says.

No! Your love for your spouse is dependent on how they treat you. Or at least it should be! How often do we read on here a woman listing the ways in which she is treated like shit and yet she finishes with but I love him and don't want to leave... ?

Now, that's unhealthy, not responding normally to how you are treated!

I'm sorry OP but exdh and I found almost overnight that we were nicer and more pleasant to each other when we decided to split. Not because we still loved each other but because we were relieved . We get on better now than we ever did but it's because we are friends and not together.

However please be aware you have placed a large amount of blame on yourself for not being more proactive etc. It takes two people for a marriage to end in a situation like this. One person being more proactive would not help of the other didn't want to change. It's most likely that if he had wanted to make the marriage work he could have stepped up as well.

Once exdh and I moved out and moved on it became easier to see the benefits of our split. Hold tight, you are in the odd no man's land right now. What you are seeing is not truly indicative of the relationship

OP talk to him.

There will be people here who say that you split for a reason and you shouldn’t go back, but honestly a lot of relationships which could be saved aren’t because people carry on with the split because they’ve started it.

At the end of the day, if this isn’t what he wants then you’ve lost nothing because the split is already in progress.

And if it is then you can work towards putting the relationship back together.

But none of this can happen without communication, so talk to him now and then see where the rest goes.

Speak to him honestly. Say that you are seeing the old him which is who you fell in love with. See what he says.
Yes I think I need to do that.
Should I wait until we have had a bit more family time over the weekend so he can see how it could be?

Your love for your spouse is dependent on how they treat you.
Good. That’s what I thought. I had a relationship with a guy before DH and I would have done anything for him and he treated me poorly. I have been confused because I think I misinterpreted that as love and the conditional love with DH as lesser somehow.

You have to follow your heart and talk to him. Tell him how you feel. Check this tips will help you have other point of view.

The school of life - how to stop feeling nostalgic for an ex

I'd say that fact that your questioning yourself, that your first instinct was not to smile and talk with him does mean that your marriage is probably broken.

By all means have a conversation with him but leave it open so you really hear his thoughts rather than what he thinks you want to hear. He may be entirely clear.

Please don't give yourself such a hard time and shoulder all the blame. 50% is fine but you don't deserve more than half.

Sorry pressed post too soon

It sounds as if you feel you carry the responsibility for the happiness and satisfaction in this relationship. You don't, you can't really unless he 'lets' you.

Much better to be with someone if they carry half the load (their share) of being happy

It's probably because you've decided to split. I was in an abusive marriage, but once it was over he was quite lovely for a while (until he wasn't). But it made me think about it again.