Autism and trauma, please help

[TheresASadSortOfClanging]

I'm autistic (HFA) and have history of abuse from a childhood/adolescence in which my parents essentially tried to punish/shame/hit my stims and traits out of me to make me 'normal'and 'like everybody else'.

I've had therapy for the abuse but the trauma remains and it causes problems for me in relationships.

I've never really had a proper relationship as a result - I've not been loved and I doubt I've ever actually loved anyone either.

Around 9 months ago, I started dating someone who I met through friends and I really like him. He's kind, respectful and thoughtful. We haven't argued once. But I can see that some of my traits/past trauma are becoming an issue for him. He doesn't say so directly but something happened at the weekend that upset him and he was right to be upset by it.

He was still really respectful and mind in the way he addressed it but I'm worried now that it will have changed the way he feels about me.

I'm not 'high maintenance' in the way some people are but this combination means I'm not 'easy' either.

It just makes me very sad to think I might be ruining the first chance I've ever really had at being in a real relationship.

I recommend EMDR therapy, it's really good for trauma.

What happened at the weekend? A decent partner I think would be supportive.

He has been hugely supportive but, when he opened up about something, the autism and trauma combination meant I ended up making it about me.

It was all fine and sorted out very quickly but I can't help but feel I'm more trouble than I'm worth.

We haven't really spoken this week since I saw him on Monday. He has arrangements to see a friend this weekend and told me on Tuesday the friend had extended the invitation to me too. I said I'd go with him if he wanted me to but I've heard nothing since.

I know that's an autistic thing. I've learnt and, therefore, know that a lot of people would assume that telling me meant he did want me there but, to me, he was telling me something not asking me something and so I can't be sure. Plus I was still feeling bad about what happened and worried that he was having second thoughts. In truth, he was probably have 10th or 20th thoughts.

I know there have been a few times when I get a bit wrapped up in myself. If I have competing emotional demands, or I feel a bit overwhelmed, or I can't work out how to respond, then I tend to withdraw, even if only briefly, and I understand that makes people feel a bit pushed away. But I don't realise I'm doing it at the time because my head is just full of "I dont know what to do now" and I just remove myself from a situation quickly.

I guess I just feel that he's just pretty easy going and doesn't need the 'drama' that being with me brings.

TRE - trauma release exercises might help. Learn from an experienced practitioner so you feel safe and go slow. Www.traumaprevention.com

My partner is aspie and I’m NT. When we first got together we had difficulties but we overcame them by talking about them and understanding the reasons behind them. For example in conflict situations, such as a disagreement he gets overwhelmed, becomes defensive and can’t talk rationally, so now he just takes time to process before we discuss. I know he needs the extra time so back off and when he’s ready we are able to talk about it calmly. If anything crops up that is down to his ASD we talk through what goes on in his head and work out the best way of dealing with it and it works pretty well.

I think being open about it is the key.

I should mention that he had similar issues with his mum punishing him for his traits when he was a child and he is now estranged from her.

Itsadilemma

Thanks. That's what I've been trying to do - which is one of the reasons he told me I'd upset him. I can be a bit 'self absorbed'.

I just that he's of an age and stage in life where his friends are in long established, loving, largely easy going relationships with normal women and he deserves the same.

I do have my plus points - I don't get jealous, needy or clingy. I don't say im fine when i'm not.

But I think I must be quite hard work in daily life

I'm estranged from mine too. I haven't seen her in 10 years.

Just because you think that other people’s relationships are ‘easy going’ doesn’t mean they are & there’s no such thing as ‘normal’. We are all different and just because your brain works a bit differently doesn’t mean that you don’t deserve a relationship or that you are any more difficult to be with than any other person on the planet.

You said that he is ‘kind, respectful and thoughtful’, if he is those things then sitting down to explain why you need time out to process and talking more about how you feel / how your brain works in certain situations should be something he is happy to do.

It took me a little while to get to grips with my partner’s ‘quirks’ but it was worth the time and effort. He is now much more self aware and I have a wonderful, loving and kind partner who I love to bits. Every now and then his lack of common sense drives me nuts but I have things that I am sure are a bit annoying too; that’s just being human.

It sounds to me like you are anticipating the worst without really knowing what he is thinking. In which case an apology from you and an explanation as to why you need the space to think would be a good idea.

One of the things I used to find difficult was my DP’s inability to resolve a disagreement in the moment. I couldn’t understand why he would leave me and sit in another room to think, but now I know why this happens (and that a ‘sorry, aspie head got in the way’ usually follows) I’ve learned to be comfortable with that and not worry about it because I understand it now.

If you haven’t had the conversation you can’t know what he’s thinking, especially if you’re ASD! so I’d pick up the phone and talk to him!