Struggling with the fact my ex DH is having children with someone else already.

[Joywillcomeagain]

I want to not care about this but it's really bothering me. I'm hoping getting it out here will help a bit.
Split with DH in Sept 2018 but divorce took ages didn't come through till Jan 2020. We have a dd together who is nearly 3. She struggles with her motor skills but is an utterly lovely child. I divorced him as he changed drastically when I was pregnant and even more so when dd was born. He was always a drinker but he started doing coke and mdma a lot. He was barely ever home and if he was he was recovering from whatever bender he'd been on. As well as this he was 'in love' with his close friends wife. He tried his damnedest to have an affair with her. His friends also sent me pics of him kissing another women in a bar.
He showed no interest in dd after the first two weeks. I tried so hard to get them to bond. I booked swimming lessons for them to do together (he missed half due to work). Would try and get him to feed her etc. He just didn't seem to want to do any of the work, he'd pose for pictures but that's it really. We even had a conversation once where he said she was important but he didn't want her to be the centre of his life. She was a bit "different" when she was little she couldn't sit till she was nearly 1 for example which made it hard to do things with her you'd normally do at that age.

He's had a new girlfriend since around June 2019. This didn't bother me in fact I quite liked her she seemed to make him less of a selfish arse. He announced the other day they've been trying since January for a baby and now she's pregnant with twins! I realise this is allowed, we did break up. I am just shocked he's having more children on purpose when he was barely interested in dd (he is more interested now she's older in a Disney dad kind of way). I feel really resentful he's getting a second family and he gets to have more kids. This is terrible to say but I resent they probably won't have development issues so he'll get to experience having "normal" children without all the medical appointments and worry we had with dd. I'm also worried about how we'll manage contact going forward and I worry she'll prefer to live with him and her siblings rather than just me. I moved to be near my family so he's a fair distance away.

I hate myself for this bothering me so much I don't know how to get past it. Tips / handhold / wise words all appreciated

[Sakurami]

I would feel really sorry for his gf. Twins with a useless man!

[Happynow001]

@Joywillcomeagain

Now they're selling her flat to get somewhere bigger but without either of them having a job I worry he'll just burn through that money too. He might completely shit all over her life like he did mine but even worse.
Don't get involved OP. This is for them to solve. And don't "lend"/give him any money or commit yourself financially to him in any way...

[Wimbledon1983]

Uff what a complete arsehole. I would feel exactly the same, op. I think just focus on the sort of person he is. Even if he didn’t really want to be with you a better man would have gone about all that in a very different way. He wouldn’t have run away to drink and drugs, would have been open in communicating with you that things maybe weren’t working out, would have been a much better dad to your dd. Focus on that. As pp have said, people really don’t change. I feel very sorry for his new girlfriend and hope she has the support to raise twins when he starts showing his true colours again.

[Zaphodsotherhead]

Leopards do not change their spots, not without extensive counselling and a lot of help, which I sincerely doubt he has had. He's just putting on a good act to try to make you jealous.

But he's just going to repeat the same behaviour with his new girlfriend, leaving her traumatised and trying to care for two babies with no money and a BF who stays out all night on benders.

You and your DD can have a lovely tranquil life without him.

[fflelp]

Very silly move of the gf to start trying for baby with some bloke she's been with for 6 months.
He's going to be just as shit a dad to the twins as he is to your DD. He's also going to cause the gf financial problems.
Be glad that you are shot of him now and concentrate on securing your own future and enjoying your life with DD.
I do know what you mean about worrying about the gf, I feel the same about the woman my ex has now latched on to. But then I think that I had a rough ride and came out the other end of it and am recovering and the same will happen with his new gf.
Same scenario for you and this woman.
Try not to think about her too much.

[Joywillcomeagain]

Just had a chance to catch up on all this. Thanks everyone. Don't worry there is no way I'll lend money or anything like that. If he stops maintenance (which to be fair he's been really good and never missed) I will be poor but not out on the street.

Not really ready for a new relationship myself I don't trust my own taste! I also wouldn't want to bring someone else into dd's life at the moment. Never say never though.
I feel much better a mumsnet thread can be very cathartic

[angelofmum]

Completely get why you're upset! Just sit back and watch it all unfold though. A leopard never changes its spots and his new girlfriend is foolish to want kids with a man child that doesn't take care of the DD he already has and can't manage his finances. Twins will not be a bed of roses - if he found one baby hard to deal with god help him with two! Give your DD a good life and be happy together, life is so short and don't waste another minute being rankled by your horrible ex😘