Is it me?

[Ofalltheginjoints]

DP tonight told me that his friend has made comments about how I shout at DP all the time and last time he was over the friend said he knew DP wasn’t in as I had the dog out which I don’t do if DP is home.

Is it stupid that this has really upset me? This is someone who I’ve welcomed into our home and always been nice to, it upsets me because DP didn’t say what his reaction was to this but later said he didn’t care what his friend said, not a ringing endorsement for that he doesn’t think it’s true?

We do argue, I wouldn’t say more then the average couple and less during lockdown, my DP has a hobby who he knows his friend through and it takes over the house at times which does drive me crazy and weekends can be taken up with it at events all over the country in a normal year which I end up helping out at, one argument he saw was following on from when a female from the group ran her hand up DP’s thigh when we were out having drinks, DP jumped and made excuses to leave to the toilet but didn’t specially tell her to keep her hands to herself which did upset me

I have a disability which leaves me in pain a lot of the time and was discharged from hospital earlier in the week so my pain might be clouding my judgement

This friend of DP became part of our bubble and he is due over tomorrow evening, I really don’t want him here if that is what he thinks of me, why should I welcome him into the home other then he is DP’s friend and it is important to him but I’m very hurt he thinks that, thinking of decamping to my parents home but don’t want to make the situation worse

How odd that your husband would tell you this. Are you sure he hasn't just made this up in order to create a rift between you and this friend? Does he have form for making it difficult or uncomfortable for you to be around other people. Ir saying things like 'everyone says such and such about you' ect..?

I wouldn't be surprised if this friend said nothing of the sort. Maybe because you called your partner out on being a shit with that flirty woman and he thinks telling you 'my friend says you shout at me too much' will reverse it round on you n make you feel the bad guy. Manipulation.

Is it true about the dog? If so, it's merely an observation and so a bit odd to construe that comment in a negative way. The shouting comment, if he said it, it was stupid of your DH to relay it to you, maybe it's more your DH that thinks this.
You were arguing about an incident that was not your DH's fault by the sound of it, so it was a bit unfair to be angry at him, he moved away and acted surprised, totally normal. It's not always easy to find the right words in that kind of situation. I think there could be a mix of things at play, being in pain would make anyone less tolerant, which could have a bearing. Sounds like your DH can be a bit flakey with his support of you at times which maybe adding to your frustration. Is he a bit of a wuss when it comes to standing up for himself? Hence the 'friend said' rather than saying what he feels.

How are other people aware of your arguments?

Is he telling them or are they happening in front of people?

We were talking abut his friend who has started a new long distance relationship during lockdown and has met her in person once last week, DP said that his friend is now giving our relationship advice and that’s how the comment came about whilst they were talking about his new girlfriend.

He doesn’t have form for making it difficult for me with people so I don’t think this was a deliberate thing, he’d had a couple of glasses of wine so maybe that’s why he said it?

Arguments generally don’t happen in don’t of other people but I can be snappy with him if I’m pissed off, clearly that’s something for me to work on and the pain doesn’t help but that shouldn’t be an excuse, DP can find the pain and his feelings of helplessness to help me when it’s really bad difficult, I don’t want to feel like a burden on him.

It can be true about the dog if I’m having a bad pain day and having use my wheelchair I couldn’t take the dog out in those circumstances (medium breed but less reactive as a rescue, something that is being worked on) DP and I have an agreement that I walk the dog first thing in the morning and he does last thing at night and we share the rest, friend is never here in the morning so sees the last walk by DP, i do take the dog out while friend is here but they are generally working on the hobby so maybe don’t notice

With the woman she is a close friend of this friend and had been flirting all night with DP it was his birthday and we were in a group so I didn’t say anything until she did that, DP rightly left and when he came back didn’t say anything or her to shop which I thought was disrespectful to me, we went to the bar where I told DP I wasn’t happy and friend overheard that, it wasn’t a full on argument but I was upset, DP doesn’t like arguments (who does?). It no problems standing up for himself

I'd make a point of not addressing anything until you are home in future.

As for his response to the flirty friend, tbh, that's what I would have done. I wouldn't create a scene in front of others or humiliate someone, but I have removed myself similarly.

Being disrespectful to you would have been to engage with it. He did put a stop to it by ensuring it couldn't happen. You clearly would have preferred something a bit more 'demonstrative' but, as you have said yourself, you can be snappy if you don't like something.

Some people just aren't like that and prefer to deal with things more quietly. Which he did.

To be honest I’d be upset and embarrassed if my DH had a go at me or snapped at me in front of a friend: things like that should be sorted out in private in my opinion. Is it your DPs way of trying to address it with you as it actually bothers him?

To be honest I’d be upset and embarrassed if my DH had a go at me or snapped at me in front of a friend: things like that should be sorted out in private in my opinion

Same.

And, tbh, snapping/having a go at someone publicly would be considered abusive.

Well yes, it is you from what you have written.

@user1493413286

To be honest I’d be upset and embarrassed if my DH had a go at me or snapped at me in front of a friend: things like that should be sorted out in private in my opinion. Is it your DPs way of trying to address it with you as it actually bothers him?

Me too. He removed himself and disengaged, that was the mature thing to do in company. It does sound like he gets a pretty tough time and while I understand your chronic pain is so tough, it affects those around us and doesn't make their feelings any less important. I have epilepsy and I'm really snappy in the hours leading up to a fit, but I recognise it's unfair and have developed coping strategies for it which has been useful for me and also a relief to those around me as I don't snap anymore. Are you getting decent support for your pain management?

It sounds like you do speak to your partner with a sharp tongue - you use minimising language when describing verbal interactions with your partner, but from an outsider’s perspective you are likely raising your voice/speaking harshly & this is perceived as “shouting”.

I’m not sure what the problem with the dog is & why you have taken exception to this comment.

It sounds like you feel judged - however it’s important to recognise that when in the company of others, it’s really poor form to be “snappy” with your partner - those kinds of couples are uncomfortable to be around & people will form their conclusions about the kind of relationship dynamics you have.

Maybe this is an opportunity to work to change how you interact with your partner & the type of tone you take with them, when in public / social situations ?

OP - the more you describe your relationship and how you are - yes, it seems it is you.
Whether it is your pain, or your insecurity due to your health condition - you are behaving in a way that isn’t great in a relationship. And you are justifying and minimising is.
Your bf telling you what his friend said - is him telling you he has an issue with the way you treat him. But he seems to be too afraid to tell you directly. I feel bad for him.

So - a woman touched his leg. He removed himself from situation and didn’t cause w public scene. And then you decided to have a go at him in public? Really?

I think you really need to think about how you are treating him. Sharp tongue, public rows is really not a way to keep a relationship happy and have it go the distance.

It's hard for people to have an opinion unless they're in your relationship but I dont feel he did anything wrong in just removing himself from the woman who ran her hand on his thigh.

But your seems happy enough and someone in the first stages of going out with someone is very different to a cohabiting relationship.

Thanks everyone for the comments, a lot for me to think about and work on.

Just to clarify though it wasn’t a scene at the bar I was talking to DP about it and his friend overheard but I was upset, combination of her overly flirty and tactile behaviour and DP not stopping it before it got to that point.

I do feel judged by his friend following the comments, the dog comment upset me because I do everything else in the house, DP does little around the home he runs a couple of businesses and I also work full time, I have to repeatedly ask him to do anything around the the house so that does impact on me as well as a little help would be good especially on bad days.

No help for the chronic pain anymore from pain clinic as I’ve been discharged for a while now have my medication and physio exercises though to do and my chair for really bad days.

I really do appreciate the thoughts of other people, I’d never thought I was abusive to DP, maybe I am though 😢 and I don’t want to be like that

Do you realise you’re actually victim blaming your partner because someone unwontedly touched him? You seemingly expected him to nip it in the bud before he was touched. You became upset because he was touched & didn’t do enough to “stop it” - but it sounds like he was uncomfortable & removed him from the situation. Then you followed him out to express your upset

Also you are still minimising! Now it’s that you were talking to him, but you do admit to being upset. You admit you can speak harshly & that you were upset - it’s not that much of a leap for people to read between the lines that anyone observing would have understood you to be a couple having an argument.

It feels like you don’t even see these as attacks - it’s you “expressing your emotions”. But from another mutual friend’s perspective you speak poorly to your partner so it seems your emotions come out with a “tone” - perhaps it’s your facial expressions, a raise in octave, hand gestures, etc...but overall you are coming across as argumentative & aggressive.

It is very odd.

I understand you have problems but why on earth do you shout at your partner in front of a friend? Surely personal disagreements should be kept private.

The friend wasn't wise to say that to your partner, however he was probably embarrassed. I would be if I witnessed that.

Have him over and don't shout. Then forget all about it.

You say you were talking to him. Why would that be described by his friend as shouting then?

I've been in enough pubs to know that you can only overhear what is being said in conversations if you are a) part of them or b) voices are raised.

Either way, it was brighter the time nor the place to address it.

I feel you are backtracking and minimising now the responses arent to your liking.

It sounds to me as though you are currently 'reacting' to situations you don't like whereas it is more helpful to 'respond' to them mindfully.