Can a former abused person turn into an abuser?

[WhoamI83]

I’m just asking because my ex lived in an abusing household growing up and was abusive himself.
I now have trauma because of him and I get snappy and angry when I really don’t want to. It’s something I’m trying to work through and it’s hard. It’s not on the same scale as him and I am able to see where my anger comes from. He said to me he needed a firm farther as he was a wild child. Obviously that is rubbish, he was wild and rebellious because of his father. I obviously triggered him when questioned his control.

If I didn’t understand my anger I wonder if I could turn abusive to my children. Then it would just cycle round.

It often makes me wonder about how much hate I should direct towards him. He probably was carrying a lot of trauma, although it wasn’t for me or the kids to be on the other side of and he did nothing but smoke weed and put me down to make him feel better.

I also realise now that it was wasn’t up to him to fix me either.

I am no expert, but some people who have the most horrendous childhoods go out their way to make sure their own children don't suffer like they did. Some (like your ex) continue the cycle of abuse to their own family.

If you feel maybe your emotions are effecting your family life and the way you treat your children, maybe you could access some counselling. Could you have PTSD?

I'm sure there will be some wiser Mnetters along soon to point you in the right direction.

I'm sorry you've had such a horrendous time.

Ps. You really need to try and let go of the hate. I've been anger and bitter against my ex for 5 years and have just managed to work through it.

It feels like a weight has lifted off my shoulders and I can even feel sorry for the pathetic little man he is.

The fact you have insight into your behaviour and are questioning it is a good thing and shows you want to do the best for your children. Most abusers blame others fr their behaviour and don't look inside for the real cause.

You sound like a good mum, have you had any therapy to deal with the abuse?

Hate and resentment are pointless emotions. You are allowing him to live rent free in your head. The only emotion you should have for him now is pity. Pity because it's tragic that he wasn't able to break free from his abusive past. He might still be a prisoner to his past, but you don't have to be, and you certainly shouldn't be taking your unresolved feelings out on your innocent children.

If you have been brought up being shown a certain way of behaviour, and that is all you have ever known, then yes, very easy to become the next generations abuser.

Yes indeed - it's called the cycle of abuse.
And it's why we always urge abused women on here to leave.
There is no other option if you want your children to have a normal and childhood and grow up to be nice rounded people.
It's what you learn.
It's all you know. So it's your 'normal'

I don’t take it out on my children but I can feel I’m angry and frustrated inside when say I try to do something and it goes wrong or
I drop something. I also do get angry at loud noises, I can’t help it, it’s an automatic reaction. I’m working on this but it’s so unconscious. I don’t blame others for my behaviour. Others have given me PTSD but I don’t blame them for triggering it now. It’s my unhealthy reaction. I do need others to help me heal though.

I do pity him that he can’t see what he is like and why. He blamed me. He didn’t believe in therapy and used weed to calm him down.

I’m desperately trying to heal myself so that my children sees a well rounded women as their role model. It’s very difficult because there are parts I have no control over and it’s very hard living with and containing all the memories but I have no choice. I hope that I do not let them down.

You are very aware and that's great.
You won't let them down.
Have you had counselling or therapy at all?

I’m on the waiting list. I speak to many people and I have a good understanding of what has happened and my childhood. Letting my children down is my biggest concern. I don’t have very good role models in my own parents and they have a terrible role model in their father. I need to be superwomen but I’m humanwomen and a bit faulty at the moment.

Have a look at the online Freedom Programme and I believe there is a free download of the book "Why does he do that" or similar. These will get you started and break that cycle of abuse.

And make you understan when a relationship is just not right!

As others have said, anyone who has the degree of insight into themselves and their own behaviour is doing very well and is unlikely to be doing much harm to their children. Communicate well with them and they will do well.

Ok so for example. My daughter slammed her toy really hard on the door when in I was in the toilet and I did shout. I was wrong to shout but I was scared/triggered. So I told her that mummy was wrong to shout and that I was sorry but I also said that it makes mummy scared when you throw your toys against the door.

Tell her it is the noise that scares you. Not her throwing the toy.

She will have a better understanding of the problem then.

She might stop throwing toys but still make loud noises.

I will make sure I do next time. She used to come up and shout in my ear a lot but she has thankfully stopped that. I had to walk away because I could feel the anger in me rise. I cried and said the noise made me scared. She is only 4 so she doesn’t understand but she is starting to understand. I don’t mind normal noise at all, it’s that sudden shock noise.

My daughter also does not like it when she hears people arguing, she cries. She also is aware of when the mood changes. It’s sad.

The difference is, you are a grown adult so, no. Cluster b personality disorders are formed early in childhood. They are generally why people are abusive (because they never developed empathy).

Unless you has severe ptsd and didnt know what you were doing (eg: jumped and lashed put at a loud noise and sent the kid flying accross the landing). Or alcohol addiction deceloped as a result of drinking to cope and that made you aggressive when you were drunk. But generally speaking, as a grown adult, you arent suddenly going to turn into a nasty shit.

Also, do you really know his parents were abusive? As a lot of abusers claim they had it rough in order to justify their abuse.

My first partner was a covert narcissist and the only narcissist I've ever met that I feel a bit sorry for as his mother was a total overt natcissist and I saw it with my own eyes. But still, it's no excuse for how he treated me. If he had had different parents perhaps he would have been a nice person. But - he wasnt. So fuck.that.dickhead. pity them if you like, but do so at a distance. The fact is though, monsters don't deserve our pity.

I’m the opposite I have to much empathy, it got me in this mess. I was a people pleaser.

You're a nice person. That's what it boils down to. The only thing you need to worry about is possible codependency. So, basically be careful not to pick another shitty person and introduce them into your kids life.

Decent people dont tend to become abusers but they can be overly complacent and excuse abusive behaviour from spouses. Which if course, the children witness.

But now you know what to watch out for you can work on your own boundaries so that this doesn't happen.

OP it sounds like you have Post Traumatic Stress and are easily triggered. There is a lot of help available but you really need to speak to someone to help process it.

Tapping is something you can do yourself.

Mindful Meditation is also helpful. Try the Headspace app

Complex PTSD: From Surviving to Thriving by Pete Walker has help and information on how to deal with flashbacks.

You can self refer for therapy or speak to your GP on the NHS. Anxiety UK offers cheap therapy for those earning under a certain amount or on benefits.

In order to stop snapping at your child, I would read up on strategies to help deal with flashbacks as a priority. Deep breaths. Breathe in through your nose and out through your mouth before reacting.

Other things you may find useful is yoga. There are lots of different types from Yin for those with disabilities to yoga for the very fit. Take a look at Youtube for free yoga and find one you click with. Try to practice for twenty minutes three times a week.

You saying you are empathetic rings alarm bells and I'm concerned about a lack of boundaries. You need to start centring your needs and feelings and showing self compassion. Read up on boundaries and how to maintain them.

I have a lot less empathy now trust me. I’ve done the freedom programme and read a lot of books on abuse and I will “hopefully” never put up with that again. I can’t, I have my children to think about and I don’t want to be treated like that again.

I think I’ve had some form of PTSD from before him. I grew up with a mum who was very unwell and I was often scared. She was quite neglecting of me really. I don’t have a bond with my own mum. When he shouted at me I fear I turned into a small child like I did when she shouted at me.