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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Any advice for dealing with a father who has a temper?

10 replies

Cherryhill22 · 29/07/2020 20:15

My father has an explosive temper. 85 percent of the time he can be funny and caring but the rest of the time he is either ranting at something he has seen on the news, shouting at my mother or exploding. Our family have generally accepted this but since I am now pregnant something inside me has snapped a bit. As nice as he can be sometimes, I am worried about the impact his rages will have on my son. As a child, my father beat me a lot as a form of discipline. I would often run upstairs and lock myself in the bathroom, he would chase me in there and bang on the door. I would often worry he would break the door down. He was always apologetic after but the cycle continued throughout my childhood. The last beating was when I was 19 and came home from Uni, he accused me of breaking the TV and punched me repeatedly in the head and back. He hasnt touched me since then, but as I said, still has his angry outbursts. I have mentioned how hurtful these incidents were to him as an adult and he appears to have forgotton conveniently all of them and denies them.

I don't really know what to do now. Now I am going to be a parent, for the first time I realise how wrong his behaviour was. He can also shout at my mother frequently over minor things and they argue. Not nice to listen to.

However, in the past few years we have had developed a really good friendship. As I said, when he's nor angry or shouting he can be very nice to talk to. Has anyone had any experience of dealing with a raging parent ? I feel like I want to protect my son from him, but also want him to experience the good things my father has to offer.

OP posts:
category12 · 29/07/2020 20:18

Beating you wasn't discipline, it was abuse.

Consider speaking to NAPAC about your childhood.

I wouldn't have him anywhere near your child.

Feralkidsatthecampsite · 29/07/2020 20:21

Make a promise to yourself and your dc they will never ever be alone with your df.... Consider backing away if you can't go no contact.
You were abused op.

So sorry.

FrenchBoule · 29/07/2020 20:22

What@category12 said.

Your father is abuser. You are a victim of domestic violence.

He could have killed you with one punch aimed at your head.

I wouldn’t have him anywhere near my child.

SoulofanAggron · 29/07/2020 20:27

OMFG. So sorry you had these experiences. Flowers

My dad was a bit similar, and he has also mellowed quite a bit with age/with not spending as much time with him so I have less chance of seeing the moods.

If you've already mentioned the stuff to him, you could say that you aren't having any of that behaviour around your DC or you'll go no contact.

If it goes that way, perhaps you could find other ways to see your mum.

category12 · 29/07/2020 20:31

And your mother is experiencing domestic abuse.

Whathewhatnow · 29/07/2020 20:37

Poor you. And your poor mum :(. You wont be the only one to have experienced the end of his fist .

You know, it is ok to say that you dont want your father to have any contact with your baby. In fact I would say it is more than ok. It is the responsible thing to do. Anger and violence is pervasive and abusers rarely change :(

It's nice you have built a friendship but he is not your friend. He is your dad, and his main job was to keep you safe. He failed.

category12 · 30/07/2020 07:17

Sorry op, I guess you didn't expect the responses you got?

Cherryhill22 · 30/07/2020 14:40

Thank you for your feedback. It is hard sometimes to look objectively at the situation from the inside but seeing these responses does confirm that he was and still can be abusive. I will have to have a long think about how to approach this now as going nc will be hard. In some ways I do feel sorry for him. His anger has isolated him, he has no friends and is retired, sits at home all day watching tv. If I do consider letting him meet my little one I will watch him like a hawk and never leave him alone with him.

I will look into NAPAC. Thanks

OP posts:
Comtesse · 30/07/2020 15:58

Becoming a parent gives you a very very different perspective on your childhood. Protect yourself and the baby that’s coming. Your father sounds horrendous, a complete liability, should be in jail. It was absolutely not your fault, he has behaved appallingly. Don’t minimise his behaviour any more.

TheBlueStocking · 30/07/2020 16:13

You might see a different side to him when the baby is born. My mum was a lot worse than this (not to suggest that your experience wasn't horrible) and she's absolutely lovely with her grandchildren.

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