DH has a strained relationship with his mother, but sees her out of a sense of duty and calls often (it's easier as she lives a few hours away) She is a difficult person, definite personality disorder, and has been really horrible to me (not to my face so much) and bullied and shamed DH as he grew up, with the often-abroad father enabling her.
Sadly, difficult person or not, she's had a tough time, father with long Parkinsons illness who died a couple of years ago. None of them have dealt with it, his mother had no funeral and basically disposed of his body leaving it to funeral home to cremate him with no one there. My DH won't really talk about it despite careful prompting from me.
His mother then had a breakdown, became psychotic and was almost sectioned. Went from dynamic but nasty to weakened, depressed and nasty.
So of course he feels sorry,, as do we all.
But any conversation about visiting her, her visiting us cannot happen. My DH just tells me when it's happening, and if I say it's not convenient, could it be next week, he flies off the handle and tells me "You've always had a problem with her, I know she's a nightmare..." and any further conversation gets shut down.
He even showed her around several houses in our street when she wanted to move to London without telling me. When I found a leaflet in the car he blamed me: "I knew you would go mental, that's why I couldn't tell you!" Luckily all round she decided she hated London.
He's now told me she's coming to stay this week with his sister (Aspergers, really sweet and no trouble really) and her long term partner (also ASD, who is very nice) They are staying in a hotel, as they have done in the past, MIL is staying with us. Except we are having the roof done and windows put in and therefore we are a bedroom down (she has already kicked off about it) and I am working in another bedroom (7am-3pm shifts) and the children are off obviously and my youngest has a birthday I need to sort (she will not bring presents) and we are due to go away the following week, so I said couldn't we make it later in the month? It's bad enough in lockdown all over each other, let alone this too?
I get shut down, saying I've always hated her, that he know's she a "fucking bitch" (his words) and he then changed the subject to him feeling ill and he's taken to bed (he works two nights a week and so he does need a rest, but the 'I'm ill,' to shut me down is a familiar theme.
I feel like I have no say, can;'gt have a conversation, of any difficulty without being shut down.
"You're so aggressive"
"Is it your hormones"
"You've always been x y z"
"I know you are stressed (when I am not) and tells my children "Mummy is stressed"
"I'm feeling ill, going to take my temperature, where is the thermometer?"
"I'm not listening to this"
"You are always so x yz
You know the drill
I know I am not though.
How do I proceed?