Am I overreacting and overthinking?

[AnnoyedAtEverything]

Around this time last year DH was having an affair and they were meeting up in the Jury’s Inn hotel for sex. I’ve found out that he’s planned a birthday surprise for me to my favourite place in the uk (we decided to work through things) but the accommodation he’s booked is...the Jury’s Inn. (Not the same one he was in.) Surely he’d know this would upset me? I’ve found out about this by accident so he’s really proud of himself for planning this massive surprise getaway for me and doesn’t know that I know. Should I just suck it up? Am I being really pathetic about the whole thing, I mean it’s just a hotel chain.

We have been away together to another couple of hotels but I think it’s the fact it’s this time of year, it’s around my birthday and it’s almost exactly a year since it all came to light. He knows I’m finding things hard at the minute because I’ve told him the emotional flashbacks from last year are happening and it’s hard for me to deal with. So I’m really surprised that he’s picked somewhere that was so recent when he knows I’m struggling at the minute.

Hire a make escort and shag him a few times in a Jury's Inn - might make you feel better.

Don't tell your DH obviously, he doesn't need to know. After all you didn't need to know when he was shagging someone else in a jury's Inn.

In all seriousness, this is why people staying with spouses who betrayed them makes me so exasperated .. it's like a magician saying "and for my next trick, I'm going to swallow broken glass for a few years".

Your brain can't accept it because it shouldn't have to accept it, because it's wrong to accept it.

If you want to stay cause your kids are too young, or for financial reasons fine; but don't try to have a normal, real relationship, see them for what they are and act accordingly. You owe them nothing.

*male escort obviously.

You could probably meet any number of up for it men via online sites if you'd rather not pay. The supply of men who want no strings sex always vastly outstrips the demand for no strings sex from women, so women can pick and choose.

I do agree with Gilbert here "and for my next trick, I'm going to swallow broken glass for a few years"

Been there, got the T-shirt. It sucked. He cheated again.

Oh and I guarantee that your oh's reaction to your infidelity would illustrate exactly why theirs should not be forgiven.
Cheaters don't think their partner has the same "rights" as them, end of story. They're willing to betray and deceive you to get what they want.

(And not everyone cheats, so don't fall into the trap of thinking you'll never meet a man who doesn't and it's not so bad).

You're thinking about him comparing you with her while at the hotel? How about thinking about how he's an incredibly lucky fucker you're within ten miles of him and is having any contact besides letters via solicitors. How about thinking he better make it the most amazing time you've had, how about thinking he's on trial and may be chucked at any time? Think that way instead.

Get yourself on Trivago. Find an expensive 5 *hotel. Send him the link and tell him you expect nothing less.
Sadly if this becomes a big deal you won't enjoy ANY place you go together..
Personally think you are bonkers for still being with him but hey ho...

Yes I would say, as long as it’s not Jury’s, I’m not staying there.

@cstaff

Just say something along the lines of "once it's not jurys, I'll enjoy anywhere you pick" as a passing comment.

Agreed

I strongly suspect he has t actually twigged it's the same hotel chain. I doubt it's premeditated or deliberate.

Just say to him as long as it's not a Jury's Inn you'll love it. If he errs, just tell him that Jury's Inn reminds you if the affair doesn't the reasons you've stated

Been there, got the T-shirt. It sucked. He cheated again

Yep another member of "The club nobody wants to be in" here.

but don't try to have a normal, real relationship, see them for what they are and act accordingly. You owe them nothing

Have to agree with this too, it was the only way I could bid my time until I was financially set to leave. Sad but true. It was a strange kind of half life for a while.

Yes, @AnnoyedAtEverything, I think if you stay you need to accept that this is your life, triggers all the time.

@AnnoyedAtEverything

He was cheating on my birthday last year so he’s promised this year‘s birthday will be amazing and he’s really making an effort which is why I feel a bit bad about telling him. We’ve really made an effort with our relationship and things are good but this is just disappointing.

Why do you feel bad about telling him? He’s the one that was fucking around, not you. This is completely on him.

No loyalty and no loyalty scheme either
Why are you even forgiving him?

We’ve got two kids and I wanted to work through things to keep the family together. We’ve both had counselling and we agreed we’d try. Not just for the kids though, I did want to keep the marriage together. Still do. I hope he won’t cheat again and my counsellor said I needed to take “a leap of faith”. It hasn’t been easy and at times it’s been rough. Especially during lockdown. We do both want to be together and I do believe he wants it as much as I do. I’m going to insist he changes the accommodation and there are definitely things which will trigger emotions for me. This being one of them. I know it’s a long hard road ahead but we do want to work at it. Maybe I’m stupid but I think if I didn’t give it a chance I’d always wonder what if.

So I’m really surprised that he’s picked somewhere that was so recent when he knows I’m struggling at the minute.

Why are you surprised? He's already shown you what he's capable of.

His thought process would've been: wondering where to pick, remembering that chain, remembering that he had a nice and successful time there, making the booking.

Not only is he a cheat, he's also about as sharp as a bowling ball.

Oh yes, when we went to counselling, it seemed to be all about me taking leaps of faith. Hardly about him at all, as if I were the problem.

It seemed quite good at the time. In retrospect, not so much.

I'm not knocking you for trying, op. Maybe it'll work out for you. It's a long hard road. Good luck 🤞

This happened to me (although I booked the hotel before I found out he was having an affair). It honestly is the hardest thing ever and I didn't sleep a wink nor did I at any point relax. I was 'lucky' he understood. We talked about it and he just spent the whole evening reassuring me and making sure I was ok. If I had the choice (non-refundable) I'd have moved it in a heartbeat. I still avoid Hilton's even though we're moving past it and I'm sure I will forever more. I would talk to him about it honestly and tell him that it makes you uncomfortable. If you're working through this together he should be able to make a change for you.

Why should you pussyfoot around him? Tell him you know and you are NOT going there. This should be about your feelings, not his.

Your being truthful about things now be truthful about this too just say I do t want to stay there - my H had an affair over 15 years ago, we worked through it and are very happy together, at 1st it was on my mind a lot, now never.

Jury's Inn ?

Shagging the OW in one aside, this is meant to be a "grand gesture" ? He is selling you short, op. Again.

You need to speak up and say. Marriages should be about communicating everything, even more so after an affair.

Your feelings on this matter, you matter, he needs to hear it.