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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Everything feels like a battle with DH

14 replies

burdog · 29/07/2020 15:28

Well, that's just it. Everything feels like a battle with my DH. He's just not supportive. He's very 'tough love'. If I bring something up that's upsetting me or something like that it's very much "Well, that's what they're/it's like." I once mentioned that his mum was very overbearing with me. His response was to laugh and say that's why his sister argues with her all the time. He's got a couple of friends that are cool/dismissive of me but very warm/fawning over him, which I find very rude and one of them makes me uncomfortable with that attitude since she's a woman. She never does ANYTHING egregious, but she's just cool with me and it's things like she has a tendency to laugh at me when she thinks I've made a mistake or be disparaging about the things I like really warm/friendly with him and it just makes me side eye her a bit. His response is that she's just like that with everyone, but that's not the point, is it?
Raising things, discussing our relationship, anything, gets his back up. Trying to plan or discuss the future gets a huffy, patronising, "Well we'll deal with it" type of response.
He's very naggy with things he wants done around the house, but it's hard to get him to do the things I want done.
I don't know how to broach it with him. It's a lot of little things that just make me feel unsatisfied.

OP posts:

holrosea · 29/07/2020 15:34

Do you need to broach it at all? You are clearly frustrated and feeling more and more sidelined, ignored and under-appreciated.

You have tried to express your feelings and have been met with derision and pretty much shut down. Do you feel it is worth trying again? Do you feel there is chance he will listen and change?

If the answer is no, then perhaps you should be weighing up if you even want to be married to him.

Original poster

burdog · 29/07/2020 15:39

I don't think he'll ever listen and change, because he just doesn't reflect on himself like that.

OP posts:

namechange12a · 29/07/2020 15:48

don't think he'll ever listen and change

Looks like you've answered your own question. The one you need to answer now is, since he's not going to change, do you want to continue like this and if not, what do you want to do?

FizzyGreenWater · 29/07/2020 15:50

What's your financial situation and do you have children?

I have to say, that sounds unbearable to me, really unbearable.

I couldn't live my life like that - basically being slightly disparaged by the person who's supposed to be the one on your side.

I'd much rather be alone than that.

AnneLovesGilbert · 29/07/2020 15:53

What Fizzy said. Sounds exhausting OP. You deserve better!

Original poster

burdog · 29/07/2020 15:54

Well I'm 16 weeks pregnant but working full time with a good career. I don't want leave him, I just want to feel like I'm the centre of his world.

OP posts:

FizzyGreenWater · 29/07/2020 16:06

You're just NOT though.

And it's the kind of thing that really has to be a natural thing. For him to just want to treat you respectfully, to have your feelings matter to him. To just not be slightly mean all the time. Because that's what that attitude says - he's just a bit of a meanie. When you're upset, he doesn't feel empathy and want to make you feel better - he gets a little dig in, or is impatient with you (code: you're silly, you shouldn't feel like this).

You could start biting back. What do you do to make him feel good, cared for, sympathised with? Stop doing it. His mum is overbearign? Stop seeing her, and tell him you don't have to go and he doesn't give a shit about how you feel about his mum so why should you give a shit about how he feels about you refusing to see her?

When he asks what's got into you, just shrug and say 'I've spent a long time putting more care into our relationship than you do, you're pretty uncaring towards me so I just thought I'd stop wasting my time. I'm going to invest as much as you do from now on. Oh and by the way I don't want to see your friend X any more - let me know if she's at any joint gatherings and I'll head on out elsewhere. She's a knob.'

Make him think.

But ultimately, it's a shame you didn't pick someone nicer :(

Bitchinkitchen · 29/07/2020 16:08

@burdog

Well I'm 16 weeks pregnant but working full time with a good career. I don't want leave him, I just want to feel like I'm the centre of his world.

That's not really possible once you have children.

rvby · 29/07/2020 16:10

@burdog

Well I'm 16 weeks pregnant but working full time with a good career. I don't want leave him, I just want to feel like I'm the centre of his world.

You aren't the centre of his world though. You say you "just" want to feel like that, it isn't something small and simple though, you'd literally be asking him to be a completely different person.

He isnt going to change, it sounds like you chose someone who is the polar opposite of what you want in a partner and are now hoping he will transform into the man you want.

What do you think is the right thing to do here?

Original poster

burdog · 29/07/2020 16:11

I find if I do that @FizzyGreenWater it's a mixture of a red rag to a bull and license to do it worse. It never shocks him into the "I don't like this, crikey, better stop doing it to other people" response.
Yeah, he's just a bit mean. All the time. And then he says I'm not very talkative. Well, would you talk much to someone like that?

OP posts:

Bitchinkitchen · 29/07/2020 16:15

@burdog

I find if I do that *@FizzyGreenWater* it's a mixture of a red rag to a bull and license to do it worse. It never shocks him into the "I don't like this, crikey, better stop doing it to other people" response. Yeah, he's just a bit mean. All the time. And then he says I'm not very talkative. Well, would you talk much to someone like that?

No, and i wouldn't have a baby with him either! Poor child, being raised by a man who is just a bit mean, all the time. I'd be getting rid of him and going it alone if i were you.

BlessYourCottonSocks · 29/07/2020 16:25

There are so many red flags in this post I don't know where to start.

But he's an utter knob and I'd leave him. Why on earth would you want to stay with a selfish dick who couldn't give a shit about you.

And it's really worrying that if you stand up for yourself it's a mixture of a red rag to a bull and license to do it worse. That's heading towards abuse quite frankly. Don't stay with someone you have to tiptoe on eggshells around.

magicmallow · 29/07/2020 16:37

nothing you have said about him sounds good OP. In my experience men don't change. I would be looking at leaving him. Once the baby is born it could be ten times worse between you. If the relationship isn't solid in the first place it will be much harder on you and deeper flaws will be exposed.

Zaphodsotherhead · 29/07/2020 19:29

What attracted you to him in the first place? Was it the fact that he's so different from you? Was he always like this or did he change once you were married?

It depends, you see. If this is what he's always been like, then he's not going to change. If he became like this once he'd got you trapped - well, actually, he's not going to change then either.

Why would he? It's all going his way.

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