Reasons I left - emotional and verbal abuse signs
JustBeingMoi · 29/07/2020 09:09
Mumsnet has been been amazing for me. It was due to the amazing people on here that I firstly saw that my 14 year marriage was abusive, and was given the support and strength to leave. It has been the hardest period of my life, but at the suggestion on of someone on here, I wrote a list of all the things he did that caused me pain, so i could look back and remind myself and give myself the strength I needed, when I doubted the decision I had made for myself and my daughter.
I thought I'd post my list on here, because it has taken me a long time to see some of these things are abusive. And frankly if one person looks at this list and thinks some of these things ring a bell, and reassesses their abusive relationship, then that will be a win. I have also written a 40 before 40 list of all the things I want to do with my new found freedom!
• He calls me names; cnt, whore, bitch, narcissist and does this in front of dd.
• He insults me and degrades me, sometimes using dd; she will grow up to hate you, you are pathetic, delusional, incapable, you don't deserve to be happy, we would be better off without you.
• He swears at me a lot. Fing this and that.
• Tells me to f* off when I say something he doesn't like.
• He mocks my interests, my music, my hobbies.
• He is sarcastic.
• He is aggressive and has aggressive body language.
• He has pushed and shoved me, has pinned me to the back door, shut my arm in the fridge, shoved and kicked me in bed because I wasn't responding.
• He throws things in a rage, or punches things. He has broken phones, the television, we have had to fill holes in walls etc.
• He drives erratically when angry.
• He shouts a lot.
• He denies everything, the name calling, the swearing, the pushing and shoving. If I can prove he did it, he will then;
• He blames the above on me.... it's because you make me so angry.
• He dismisses the name calling and horrid things he says as being said in the heat of an argument.
• He calls me miserable and says I'm miserable all the time.
• He gets angry if I don't show him enough affection after we have 'made up'.
• He is jealous of me going away with family or friends.
• He makes spending time with family horrid.
• He bitches about my family.
• He has always made it clear he doesnt want me to see friends, saying he will miss me if I go out.
• He has told me I forced him into having children/getting married.
• He doesnt care when I feel unwell.
• He was a complete arse throughout my pregnancy, getting upset when I couldn't eat much of the food he had cooked, or that I didnt feel up to doing much generally. Making 'jokes' about me moaning all the time.
• He makes me doubt everything I think I know.
• I trust my intuition at work, but never in relation to our relationship, which just seems like a fog in my head I can't make sense of.
• He mocks me in front of his family.
• He has started goading for arguments in front of his family, knowing I will do anything to avoid a public conflict and back down.
• He makes me cry so much. He mocks me for crying.
• He is critical, and everything has to be someone's fault, often mine.
• He likes to do what he likes to do and either won't do something he doesnt want to, or makes it clear he doesnt want to be there, so it is so unpleasant you won't do it again.
• When with my family, he makes it difficult by making me feel guilty for spending time with them and not him. Rows always ensue.
• He will argue through the vehicle of conversations with dd eg; 'no mummy isn't coming because mummy doesn't want anything to do with daddy/us'.
• Makes everything a competition. Like who feels the most poorly, who has done most round the house, who has looked after dd.
• Makes a chore out of things he does because he wants to, like diy, and then uses it against you.
• Does nice things like cook a meal, etc. And then when things don't go the way he thinks they should, uses it as a weapon against me, saying how ungrateful I am.
• Destroys things he has bought for me, if i don't behave how he thinks I should. Eg destroying a bunch of flowers in the yard, ripping up my valentines card in front of me.
• Makes me feel like shit about myself.
• Lies about what has happened, or expands on the truth or exaggerates it to reinforce his point.
• He tells me I only think of myself.
• If we are talking he will refuse to look at me, often looking at his phone, the telly or just not me.
• Hates me showing any sort of emotion.
• Blames everything that has gone wrong in our relationship on my PND or PMT.
• Says I don't care about his mental health, whilst simultaneously destroying mine.
• Never seems to show any other emotion than anger.
• I don't believe he loves me. I'm not even sure he likes me. I think he despises me at times. He certainly doesnt respect me.
• Promises change but never sticks to the promises.
• Lacks empathy. If it can't be fixed what is the point in being upset about it? End.
• His way or the highway.
• If I ask for space, he will refuse, often belligering or following me, making me feel trapped and escalating the situation.
• Constantly messaging me when we have had arguments, again escalating the situation.
• Blamed not getting a promotion at work on me.
• Never really addresses the name calling, or shows any remorse.
• Used to pick up on my spelling and mock me about it.
• Mocked me for being a technophobe.
• Accused me if forcing him in to getting married and having a child.
• Accused my of ostracising him from his friends, even when I had actively encouraged him to see them and had organised group get togethers.
• Accused me of forcing him to give up his hobbies, despite me actively encouraging him to take up running.
• Accused me of being abusive.
xsquared · 29/07/2020 09:18
Well done for getting out. Wishing you a happy life.
BlingLoving · 29/07/2020 11:57
Oh OP, well done for getting out. Reading that list, I don't think there were any that I felt weren't immediately obviously not okay. I think it's so hard when you're in these situations to see the wood for the trees. Well done for doing it.
DeliaOwens · 29/07/2020 11:58
Bravo for leaving OP. You are a strong woman!
blubberball · 29/07/2020 12:20
Thank goodness you're out of it now. Hope things are much better for you and your dd
JustBeingMoi · 29/07/2020 12:39
@BlingLoving you are so right. I describe it as a fog. I just couldn't see anything clearly. And once it lifted everything became much clearer. It came back occasionally, but once he left it became much easier to look at everything much clearer. I honestly couldn't see how wrong some of these things were. I'd been with him for so long, it just felt normal.
Missjpwz · 28/06/2022 12:56
2 years too late to this thread, but i am goimg through this at the moment and i could have wrote 95% of that list. So pleased you got out of it and are now happy. How did you find the strength to leave?
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