Help me find some joy living with husband who drinks too much

[trying606]

I’ve been coming to terms with my poor relationship with my husband. He drinks anywhere between 10-15 units every night, sometimes more on a bad night. He doesn’t see this as a problem because he drinks less than he has done in the past. But this has been going on for many years. We have 2 young dc. Last year I gave him an ultimatum which I don’t think he has taken seriously. He has even blamed me for his drinking.

On top of this, last year he wasn’t very nice at all even when not drinking. He bit picked at me about everything, I even quit my job to try and make our relationship better. Things are a bit better but I was so low at the end of last year I just don’t think I can forgive how he ground me down. I had counselling and feel much better now.

I’m building up the courage to leave and have been getting some plans in place. But I’m the meantime how do I find a bit of joy, to enjoy the everyday without constantly thinking about how to leave etc. I’m also always thinking - are things that bad, maybe they will work etc - but just writing this makes me realise how flawed the relationship is!

If he will not leave willingly then I would employ legal means to get him out. Given he is also verbally abusive towards you as well I think he will refuse to leave.

You are married to this man and thus have rights in law, exercise those fully. You may well have to look at obtaining an occupation and or non molestation orders against him. It would also be far easier for him to move out as well rather than you and your children. Do seek legal advice on all this ASAP.

I wish I'd left sooner, as PPs have said.

While I was gathering the courage to divorce him, I did quite a lot of meditation courses - I found meditation really helpful.

Good luck OP, your future without an alcoholic husband will be a lot brighter.

I went to see a solicitor earlier this year and I did ask her about some of this but at that point I just wanted some space from him so wasn’t resigned to divorce. She told me I didn’t have to leave the family home. Just wish I could fast forward to get some of this over with and be on my own with the dc.

OP you can contact Shelter for housing advice
Here's the CABx guide to Ending a Relationship
You can find a family law solicitor here. Some of them have cheaper rates for those earning under a certain amount.

You can get advice on child contact, maintenance, benefits etc from Gingerbread.

I left 3 months ago, the house is mine but I left because I didnt feel safe but I am working to get me house back. I attend Al-Anon, I have counselling, I speak to a helpline and I read books and its tough, he still drinks and lies. I stayed because I thought I could protect our child more but he will hopefully life with his parents and they have promised he wont have our child alone. I cant pretend its easy but equally its better than the stress of living with him drunk

@trying606
What is the situation with the house?
Owned or Rented?
If owned who's name is on the deeds and mortgage?

If rented is it private or social housing?
Who's name on the tenancy?

It’s jointly owned and joint names on mortgage

My father was an alcoholic. I spent years hearing my mother tell me how she was going to divorce him; I have memories of me being 4 years old begging her to do so (I didn't understand what divorce was, just that it meant that my father would no longer live with us). But she never actually did so - not only do I still resent her for this, the impact of growing up with an alcoholic still affects me now.

You need to leave urgently, don't underestimate what this can do to your children.

Is there much equity in the house?

I'd be inclined to rent privately with help from family and then fight for whats rightfully yours in the divorce.

Yes it is your family home but ultimately unless you have enough income you wont be able to pay the mortgage.

Could you go on entitledto and check what benefits you would get if you didnt work and he left the household?

You would be entitled to maintenance but that might take months to sort so cant be relied on.

Apart from not living with him how do you envisage your life?
In that house forever or somewhere new that is just yours?

I’m not particularly attached to the house, I could move into another cheaper place locally. I couldn’t afford the mortgage on my own but could afford a nice-ish small place for me and the kids

I was brought up in a home with an alcoholic parent, it was and still is the biggest sadness in my life.

Your children will suffer living with an alcoholic and are more likely statistically to struggle with substance abuse themselves.

You are really doing them a disservice if you don't leave.

This was me earlier this year. I have found joy in my hobby and children but it is so difficult/impossible to find true joy when living with someone with drink issues. At the beginning of this month I asked my partner of 15 yrs and father to our two young children to leave. He moved into a rented flat last weds. We have a joint mortgage so i have asked to return to work FT so I hope to take this over and give him some sort of lump sum in a few months.

It is very fresh and very painful. It is not what I wanted. However, living with someone who lies about drinking, drinks in secret, hides bottles etc is awful. He could go weeks without but the binges would always return and he was horrible when drunk. These bouts have cropped up over the last few years and I had become small and joyless and full of resentment towards him. He seemed relieved when I asked him to leave so I suspect he has something else lined up. He is also making a thing about not drinking now so he connects the drink to me rather than take responsibility for it. He is in full denial still. He will drink again but I won’t be there to see it. I am trying very hard to focus on myself and children and to being joy back into our home. Sending you a hug - it is exhausting. It is really only in the last few weeks I have reached out for help and realise what has been happening. I just want to make sure when my children are grown ups they look at me with pride. That would not have happened had I continued with this relationship. It sounds like you have a plan - keep ironing out the details and get everything in place. Be smart and call on the resources out there.

I can only agree with everyone else - the joy in life will come when your H is gone. The house may well have to be sold, but you and the DC will be happier living somewhere else on your own. Detach emotionally, get all the information you need on finances - income, savings, pensions - and when you're ready, start the divorce. His alcohol use will be the foundation for a petition on the grounds of unreasonable behaviour.

And get some support for yourself from Al-Anon or a similar group. Talking it through with people who have been where you are now is priceless - they will help you when you have a wobble and let you detach without bitterness.

Life without an alcoholic in it is great.

I left an alcoholic and it was the best thing I ever did, but thankfully from rented where I could just jib off.

Throw sunlight on it. Don’t keep his secrets anymore. Don’t let your children grow up like this.

He has a good job so could afford the mortgage on his own. My default position was that I wanted to move out because I just don’t want to have to deal with being his emotional dustbin and his drinking. But every one I’ve spoken to says don’t move out of the family home, but I don’t think I can stay in it following the fall out from me saying it’s over. I also feel like it is unfair for the kids too.

Can anyone tell me what arrangements for seeing the kids have been made for them following leaving in a situation like this?

@Seriouslynotagain my H is similar, can go long bouts without drinking but always comes back to it in the end, it’s heartbreaking and exhausting.

I teally think you need to speak to a solicitor to talk about a divorce and your rights before you do anything.

You will likely have to pay as not many do free half an hour for divorce but it would stand you in good stead going forward.

The thing with staying in the family home is that unless you can afford to buy him out any court order will allow you to remain in the family home until the youngest is 18 but as its his home still he would be able to come and go as he pleases plus if he is told to pay the mortgage but doesnt and ultimately cant be forced to and you cant pay it then you lose your home anyway.

Better to have planned it than have it come as a shock.

With regard to access, no doubt when you spli he will want full custody blah, blah , blah but in reality most men dont fight for it as they dont actually want their children lots.

I would say that day time visits would suffice to start moving to an overnight stay if he proves himself.

Start a diary now of his drinking and ghis attitude/behaviour towards you and the children so if he applies for overnight access or custody you can present your evidence.

OP do you have any evidence the children are unsafe in his care? What do you think he would want to happen re the kids? Is his good job at risk due to his drinking?

Definitely see a solicitor. Some advice on the thread might not be true. If he has shared custody for example a judge would want to see you both have equal homes so he wouldn't necessarily have to let you stay in the family home until the children are 18. Arrangements like that are more rare these days.

Dies he accept his drinking is an issue? Does he want to change? My ex couldn't have gone a day without drinking. He would have the shakes and withdrawals. Are you sure he isn't drinking when you think he isn't?

I would get proper info from a solicitor, if you have the full facts as to what you are both entitied to when you leave, and perhaps get some advice on where you can live and what you are entitled to, you can make plans - not knowing the facts is stressful in my view as the whatifs go round and round your head.
Get the facts, make a plan. Don't wait for him to sort himself. I've heard of people with a drink problem having a sort of personality change once they give up alcohol. So your marriage might end then anyway. So don't hang on for the miracle that will fix things.

I’m so glad you’re leaving your alcoholic DH.
Like other PP’s I had an alcoholic parent too and it’s just the most rotten existence for children.

Have you spoken with a divorce lawyer yet?

Arrangements for the kids were paramount to me. I put off pulling the plug for a long time because of worrying I would be made to put them in an unsafe position.

However, the courts take accusations of alcohol problems really seriously. Help yourself now by maki g a diary of his drinking, any incidents that have happened, occasions he’s driven drunk, take pics of empties etc etc.

There is testing that can be done if he denies the drink problem.

For my situation, there is no unsupervised contact, no overnights and no driving.

Re the house, I second getting advice from a solicitor and it probably not being a good idea to leave if you can help it. Does he have family? Could you talk to them and get them on side to offer him a place to stay and help convince him. Maybe phrase it as a temporary thing first if you think he’d be more likely to go for that and then you can make it permanent.

Good luck!